Is it me? (very long sorry)

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I'm in a real situation and I really need some support / advice. Please try not to be judgemental about my past decisions as I'm in a bad place emotionally. What I need is some support going forward. I'm a long time poster on here but have name changed because I want to be able to continue to post.

History

When I read 'but they take me to stately homes' threads I can see a lot of what is talked about in my mother which I think has led me to have fairly unhealthy relationships going forward.

My mother is hard work. I'm the eldest and I've always (since my father died when I was young) been expected to be an adult.

My mother was difficult right from when I was young, she had fall outs with her own siblings which have led to her not talking to people for years.

My brother who is in the medical profession has mentioned to me before that he thinks she has a form of a personality disorder. She is very controlling and this has become worse as the years have progressed. But even when she was young she has nagged and nagged until I've ended up buying the house she wanted me to buy (I hate it) , taken my child out of a perfectly good nursery because she didn't like the area it was in for a round trip of an extra hour a day, not pursued a career I would have been really interested in because she felt it was too 'opinionated' and she didn't agree with my opinions. I have basically been a door mat and as a result of this have issues with other relationships. The list goes on but as I child I wasn't allowed friends in the house because she was worried what others would think of the untidyness (it wasn't) , I wasn't allowed out because she said it wasn't safe to go out, just trying to give a picture.

I got out because I was bright and got to uni, eventually got married and have two children with Sen. This made her very unhappy. Why was I labelling them? When they couldn't cope in school , she was very unhappy. She didn't give any support and then when I decided to home educate because this suited them better she was embarrassed and 'wouldn't be seen out with them in public' . Basically I've never had support when times have been hard.

Current

We had a blazing row last weekend because I haven't done enough to help her when my aunt died, (I did more than anyone else) . my aunt wasn't rich and lived but lived on her own and my mother has control of the small amount of money she had. She took great pleasure in telling me how she has given money to my sibling for.being 'fantastic' in their support when in fact it was me who drove her to the hospice without a word of thanks. My sibling filled in a single insurance form. When I lost my rag about this she told me she wants nothing more to do with me and I'm disgusting. She hasn't spoken to me now for a week. She says it's because I'm money grabbing (I'm not) I just want to be appreciated for the things I actually do.

So NOW on to the other stuff DH where I think I'll be blamed.

DH raped me in my sleep when I was at my lowest and my youngest was struggling in school. He has admitted it. This was more than 2 years ago.
I gave up the job I had to home educate so put myself in a financially awful position, without real family support (we dont' get divorced in our family) , so I said I would stay , he was apologetic if he would sort out his issues of control and lack of respect. Ultimately two years on this hasn't happened. Everyone I know including my kids have no respect. I've sent DH an email tonnight giving an ultimatum and talking about modelling behaviours.

How the fuck do I untangle this? And if everyone in my life behaves this way, is it me?

Sorry just want to add I drove a 50 mile round trip to the hospice on a weekly basis for over 2 years. It wasn't a one off. No thanks. No petrol money until I begged for it because I couldnt afford it.

And I'm not still being raped. He's sleeping in a different room and i'm physically safe.

He just doesn't respect me as. a human being and hasn't got the counselling about this that he promised to have a couple of years ago.

No, it's not you. But you do have some very unhealthy relationships with the people that are supposed to be closest to you. This isn't your fault, but you should work on changing this - you need to try to put yourself first and cut out people that are damaging you. I don't say this lightly, but for your sake you should massively reduce contact with your mum. And for your sake and the Children’s you should seriously consider separating from your husband.

You say your husband has not followed through with his promise of counselling. That doesn't interest me - he's clearly awful. But have you considered counselling for yourself? It might be a good first step to helping you realise you need him out of your life.

Your abusive mother has trained you from an early age, and particularly after your dad died, to serve her and put her needs first with your own dead last. I think your brother is right when he states he thinks she has some form of personality disorder. In this respect read about narcissistic personality disorder and cluster b disorders and see how much of this relates to her.

What if any relationship does your brother have with mother these days?.

She has done you a service in cutting you off because it saves you from having to do it. It’s not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not really changed in the intervening years since. She is a crap example of a grandmother to your children too.

You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Emotionally healthy people absolutely do not behave like your mother has done. Have a read too of the Out of the FOG website.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles, although interchangeable yours is the scapegoat. The favoured sibling (I presume you have another sibling other than the brother you wrote about) is her golden child, but that is a role not without price either.

Your boundaries, already skewed massively by your dysfunctional and abusive mother, have been further messed with by your husband who has admitted to raping you. He was never interested in getting counselling and likely only suggested that to keep you quiet. Even though divorce is not done in your family (that is your mother talking no doubt, again she’s only thinking about her own self and image here) you are not an extension of your mother as she thinks you are but are your own person with agency.

You are married to this man and have rights in law. You only need to give your own self permission to leave him if that is what you want to do. Be tired here of being the last one who matters. I would also urge you to contact Rape Crisis and get support from them also. What happened to you is not your fault in any way, that is all on him.

If you issue an ultimatum you have to be fully prepared to follow through on it otherwise there is no point in issuing one, repeated ultimatums have no effect.

i would urge you to make the break and from that go onto rebuild your life without either your mother or your husband in it day to day. These people have dragged you down. You need radiators in your life, not drains on your being.

But have you considered counselling for yourself? It might be a good first step to helping you realise you need him out of your life.

This is interesting when my dad died my mother said 'we don't do mental health problems in our family'.

I did try to see a counsellor in the early days but I found it really hard. I think, in retrospect they were trying to unpick things I wasn't in a place (emotionally) to address because i'd just lost my dad and it would have rocked my entire existence.

Atilla

lots of what you have posted resonates.

There are 2 other siblings. The 2 boy child are the 'golden ones'.

There is a significant family event where we have all paid a lot of money to have a long weekend in a couple of weeks. I'm not sure where I sit with that. I really want to tell me mum to F off. I'm more angry with her than I am with Dh. Does that make sensez? I wont just feel the wrath of mother but it will be the other siblings who have their own crosses to bear.

How do I handle that do I tell the siblings i just wont go? That's what I feel like but then I think I won't be thanked for it.

I'm more angry with mother because I think she's thrown my confience so much that I am an easy target for abuse. Just to be claer.

And none of this is trying to excuse DH.