My parents are oblivious

[myfamilyandotherminerals]

My mum was a difficult person throughout my teens. She loved me, but also resented me. The family lore is that I was an impossibly difficult teen. I've believed that for years, but now I have teens of my own I want to travel back in time and give 15yr old me a hug. Poor kid. She was stupid and insecure, she had absolutely no adult support in her life and no idea about anything.

At 16 I was living in a bedsit in a town where I knew no-one, failing at school, mismanaging my meagre funds, sleeping with absolutely anyone who'd have me and living on packet Smash.

I am now in my 40s and doing fine. Nice husband, wonderful kids, safe, warm house, food in the fridge. My home is clean and calm and no one gets drunk or throws things. My teens leave the house in good time for the bus, in the right uniform and with a packed lunch in their backpacks. I live a long-distance flight from my parents. I see them every 5-6 years and speak to them every 6 weeks or so.
But I'm angry. And they have no idea that I'm angry and would be bewildered if I told them.

There's this weird imbalance where I seethe and ruminate and go through agonies trying to work out how I feel about it all - meanwhile they message to say "everything alright? Haven't heard from you in a while!" They are completely oblivious. They're not going to change now, or acknowledge any wrongdoing on their part. And tbh they probably did their best. Their best wasn't very good but I'm not sure they were capable of any more. So - did they even do anything wrong? Not really.

Do I just let it all go? That would be the healthy option. How?
Do I speak to a therapist? Obviously there's much more to unpack than I put in this post. Would that be useful? Or is it better to just own it and move on? I do know that who I am at 40 is my own responsibility and I can't blame my parents forever. I don't blame them. I am still hurt though.

Their best wasn't very good but I'm not sure they were capable of any more. So - did they even do anything wrong? Not really.

Yes, really. Someone can be doing their best and still neglect a child- happens all the time, it must be quite a lot of what social services deal with, when severe enough.

That they couldn't manage more (and I think you're making excuses for them there TBH) doesn't mean it was fine.

I think therapy would definitely help- maybe EMDR as what you went through was traumatic and that trauma is part of your understandable anger.

I also found God and make a point of praying whenever I feel angry at someone.

'Oh dear Lord I forgive Bob, I pray for his conversion, and I ask for everything he wants and needs in accordance with your Will, Amen.' It can't hurt.

I think it would be a good idea for you to seek the help of a therapist to deal with this.

I could have written a lot of your post...the only difference being that I 'escaped' my parents by going into a very stupid marriage when just 21. Lasted 2 and a half years, I had a massive breakdown, attempted suicide and was then diagnosed as bipolar at 23.

I'm now 54 and my anger at both my parents is off the chart. Menopause hasn't helped, of course. My mother is a narcassist and hasn't ever expressed even a moment's genuine contrition for the terrible childhood they gave myself and my two brothers.

I've been under psychiatric care since I was 23 and was diagnosed with CPTSD 5 years ago...I'm now waiting for EMDR therapy. I find reading and watching videos on the subject can help.... Dr Ramani on YouTube is very good. Just today I watched this video of hers, it's my favourite, it may help you too.

You sound an amazingly caring woman, and a very good mother. Your distress is a wound from the past, which hasn’t really been acknowledged and therefore hasn’t healed. Being able to discuss the past with a therapist may help. Once you’ve had the opportunity to talk about your past and how it affected you, you’ll be able to decide how to talk to your parents. You can only make peace with yourself. Your teenage years sound v hard, v lonely, without a safety net. Your Mum and Dad may not be able to answer all your questions or even acknowledge how you’re feeling, what’s important is that you are able to deal with these things and be kind to yourself. Sometimes being able to forgive others is the best medicine. Wishing you all the very best.

I’d have some decent therapy
it’s an investment for your life and your emotional well-being

I really mean that , that’s tough what you had- and you have done brilliantly

some thinking space might heal and make you handle with less pain x

Thank you for the replies. I'm so conflicted about the whole thing. I'm genuinely not sure if I'm just being dramatic and making everything sound worse than it was. My parents have a different recollection of how things were - I doubt myself. And it's very easy to say "oh no, they were dreadful and I was a poor victim of their bad parenting" but I don't think the truth is quite so straightforward. Shades of grey to everything.
@noirchatsdeux - thank you for the video. You have been through such a lot and I hope your therapy is helpful.

@Weonlyhavealoanofit Your reply is kind. I think I'm feeling fragile today because it made me a bit teary.

Also had a childhood of neglect and indifference. Developmental trauma. My life now in a place like op. Until about 8yrs ago still got into terrible fights when i saw my mother. Then my father died and it gave me a new perspective. Went to therapy and learned that much of the fighting was caused by being triggered by past hurts. Worked hard at spending time with my mother and learned to recognise triggers and to respond rather than react to them. Relationship with my mother much calmer now. I accept there is part of her I dislike and theres a part of me she dislikes. But we love each other enough to live in the here and now and build some memories that are meaningful. I'm still angry at her and always will be. But that's ok. I just don't let the anger define the whole relationship. After my fathers death I realised I didn't want my mother to die and leave me navigating grief with nothing but anger
It felt unseemly to still b fighting with her in my 50s! If she died now I feel we at least met each other in some kind of common ground over the last few years and I already know that the grief will be easier for it. Plus we have had some decent interactions. Try to work on this for yourself. If you do whats right for you...weirdly it will be right for your relationship with your mother.
I'm so sorry you were left to fend for yourself at such a young age. It must have been so lonely. Somehow you have built a fulfilling life with children you clearly cherish. Chapeau lady! Be kind to yourself. Accept your mother may never change but you can change the dynamic in a way that is healthy for you. I am so glad I've been able to do that while she is still alive. Last thought...imagine knowing you failed your child so spectacularly? She may never admit it. But she knows. Thats got to be a living hell. One that you have so brilliantly avoided.

Definitely speak to a therapist.

My feeling - and this is just anecdata - is that it can be really helpful to work on building a counter-narrative to the one your parents are perpetuating. They are acting as if you were hard work and now you've grown up, everything is peachy. But clearly, you had a rough time and had to work hard. Maybe go on the 'Stately Homes' threads here and tell your story. Maybe, some time when you're talking to a trusted friend, and the subject comes up, you say how you're motivated to do better for your kids because you had to overcome a rough time.

I'm not saying go into detail or bend people's ears about it. But, IMO, one of the difficult things about coming from a family where you were cast as the difficult kid, is that you feel a bit ashamed to talk about it at all. You end up carrying the secret of how your parents were, because you know their response would be 'well, of course we were like that! @myfamilyandotherminerals was an awful teenager!'.

But, actually, most people won't react by asking what you did to deserve it, and they won't want or need you to go into detail. You can easily just say 'I had a hard time with my parents as a teen, so now I do thus-and-so' and many people will simply take it at face value, and understand better what you're telling them about yourself now. And in turn, that will help you to build a sense of yourself that doesn't start and end with this story about you as a difficult teenager.

I hope that helps! Like I say, no more than anecdote, but maybe it'll be useful.

Therapy will definitely help, it doesn't have to be justified as such, it just helps your trip get your own mind straight without relying on people who can't be relied on by you.

Proper person centred therapy with an experienced psychotherapist in family dynamics is who you need.

To unpick what happened but also to help you deal with them now.