Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Worried I might be wrong in thinking it's emotional abuse

21 replies

Anonymices · 08/10/2022 19:56

Women's Aid have put me as middle risk of harm for being in an abusive relationship, but he never hits me. I can't risk putting too many details online, but is it possible to think that a relationship is abusive when it isn't (or it could be my fault too?)? There's a lot of jealousy and blame, stonewalling and gaslighting, but he didn't used to be like this and he isn't a bad person. What if I accept the help from Women's Aid and I am wrong about it being abuse? What if I am just oversensitive?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2022 19:59

I think you absolutely know he's abusive. I think you are still clinging on to a bit of denial because you don't want him to be. Facing the truth that the man you share your life with is manipulative and dangerous can be quite daunting, because once you accept it you know you need to leave him. I hope you do.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/10/2022 20:04

You are in an abusive relationship. Abusers are not nasty all the time but the nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one.

Abuse is not a relationship problem, abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you.

He does not have to hit you to hurt you and abuse is not just physical in nature. Stonewalling and gaslighting are types of emotional abuse and gaslighting in particular is designed to question your own version of reality. This has been done to you over time and he’s targeted you to abuse. This is all on him and this is the real him. The nice him was an act designed to draw you in. He will destroy you completely if you remain with him so I would urge you to remain in contact with Womens Aid and get their help to leave this abusive relationship once and for all.

You are not over sensitive either, that’s often a charge stated by abusers to their chosen target as well.

LIZS · 08/10/2022 20:12

Abuse does not have to be physical to be real.

Squirrelvillage · 08/10/2022 20:18

Womens Aid are the experts. They've seen absolutely everything. If they say medium risk and that he is abusive, then it will be true. Abusers are not bad all the time, that's how they keep hold of you.

Original poster

Anonymices · 08/10/2022 20:40

But I do have a history of anxiety and Women's Aid have only my reports to go on? What if I'm just scared of him because of my anxiety?

I don't think it was just an act to reel me in - bad things happened in his life that changed him (workplace stuff). Some stuff was there before, but I wouldn't have classified that as abuse. Now things are much worse and I am questioning it, obviously.

OP posts:

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 08/10/2022 20:43

Did you have anxiety before you knew him op?

Ladyofthepeonies · 08/10/2022 20:45

Would you be encourage another family member or friend to be in this type of relationship

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 08/10/2022 20:51

But I do have a history of anxiety and Women's Aid have only my reports to go on? What if I'm just scared of him because of my anxiety?

Have you lied to Women's Aid about what's happening? Assuming not, then no, they've not got the wrong end of the stick.

Bad things have happened in my life, and my husband's life - the traumatic loss of a close relative, the loss of a parent at a young age, unemployment, financial pressures, health issues. Neither of us have become abusive because of those terrible experiences.

Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? Perhaps reading something at your own pace might be helpful for you in processing what you're realising. Have you voiced your concerns to Women's Aid? I think panicking that you're wrong is probably quite common, not least because you desperately hope that you're wrong.

But you're not wrong. He's abusive.

LIZS · 08/10/2022 20:53

In their experience abuse is more often understated than exaggerated

Sophieleigh26 · 08/10/2022 20:55

If you have to Google or look up someone’s behaviour, it’s probably abuse

Thurst · 08/10/2022 21:00

Why can’t you risk putting the details?
I guarantee you will be down playing it if anything. If you need help to get away then Women's aid will be glad to give it.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/10/2022 21:25

It’s always scary when you speak to them
and they take action ! They did the same for me
but it made me end it

anyway If it feels shit you 100% have the right to leave
it’s 2022
we don’t have to stay and be miserable x

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/10/2022 21:26

And yes read ‘why does he do that’
use a highlighter x

Turnaroundandigone · 08/10/2022 23:35

Op I'm in a very similar situation and also have severe anxiety. I've recently started taking medication for it and it's cleared my head to the point that I now understand that I am being abused.

Dery · 09/10/2022 00:13

There are ways of abusing people that don’t involve hitting them. Violence can be psychological and emotional. Coercive control is a form of violence. Violence doesn’t have to be physical. It wouldn’t surprise me if your anxiety is a response to being abused. It is very unlikely you have overstated the abuse. Victims get very used to normalising and minimising what’s happening to them.

Original poster

Anonymices · 10/10/2022 22:34

Thanks for the book recommendation. Very enlightening!
Is there a domestic abuse board here? Are there any stories of hope after leaving an abusive relationship?

OP posts:

Mumofnarnia · 10/10/2022 23:05

Abusers ‘never used to be like that’ because they put on the charm in the beginning and love bomb you and make themselves appear to be so caring and kind that they couldn’t possibly be abusers! Google narcissistic relationships and you will see the exact same patterns occurring as what you read on google.
You recognise he has been stonewalling and gaslighting and that there is jealousy and blame! Those things in themselves ARE abuse.
yes it’s emotional abuse and yes YOU are being abused whether you feel you are or not. Whether he didn’t used to be like it or not.

GreyCarpet · 11/10/2022 07:20

Dis you contact Women's Aid or did they seek you out?

You know its not right. You know you're not happy.

Yes, they only have your side of the story but if the situation were different, your story would be different. Wouldn't it?

Does it help to think of it like that?

Dery · 11/10/2022 07:55

@Anonymices - people post about their DV situations on the relationship board. There are a plenty of posters who will tell you that they left DV situations and now lead much happier lives. It’s a journey to get there - it takes time to recover from being in an abusive relationship - but they will tell you it’s definitely worth it.

Namechanged454 · 11/10/2022 15:37

Anonymices · 10/10/2022 22:34

Thanks for the book recommendation. Very enlightening!
Is there a domestic abuse board here? Are there any stories of hope after leaving an abusive relationship?

Hey lovely. I went to a women's refuge thanks to women's aid, in December 2020. I knew my ex was awful but denied to myself it was abuse, he didn't hit me..surely someone else could use the help more than I could etc. It took me a really long time to get my head around what he'd been doing to me, chipping away at me slowly. I'm now almost two years past that chapter of my life and I couldn't be happier. Yes co-parenting isnt, and hasn't, been easy...but in myself I'm much more happy and confident. I have a wonderful, adoring boyfriend... happier kids. Honestly, accept their help xx

Watchkeys · 12/10/2022 00:18

There's a lot of jealousy and blame, stonewalling and gaslighting, but

This demonstrates the abuse dynamic perfectly: He abuses me in this way, that way, and this other way, but he's not abusive because...'

People who walk away from abuse understand that it doesn't matter why or how someone makes you feel like shit, and that if someone makes you feel like shit, you get away from them. The bad things in his life are nothing to do with you. You need to take care of you, not his damaged self.

Flip