My son hits his dad when angry

[indomitablespirit]

I am really not happy in my marriage for which I have sought relationship counselling which begins soon. There are many issues that have contributed to the problems, and we disagree on most things more and more each day. One particular problem is that the way my husband deals with him, ends up in my 9 yr old son lashing out at his father when he is frustrated. My son is very spirited and shows his full range of emotions, be that happiness, excitement, anger. He quickly gets annoyed with his dad and then he ends up getting hurt when my husband hold his arms or pushes him back as he tries to stop him from hitting him. I get very stressed when this all kicks off, and I end up shouting at my husband to leave the room to calm my son down, and then he thinks I am condoning my son’s behaviour, and making it worse. I just don’t want my son to get hurt even though he is the one lashing out. I believe my husband winds him up knowing what will happen, and it just occurs over and over again. My son never hits me and I don’t find him too difficult to deal with. I just wondered if this kind of thing is happening to anyone else, and if anyone has any good advice about how to diffuse the situation so it doesn’t lead to hitting. Out of our two children he does give my son a hard time, and lots of telling him off more than his sister. Thanks in advance

You can't shout at your husband and make him leave the room because your son has hit him. It's your son that needs to be isolated. He keeps doing it because he gets away with it.

How does all this start between your son and his dad?. Why exactly are their interactions becoming physical?. Is it only because of your son reacting to being physically restrained by dad?.

You've written about your H before now haven't you?. I seem to recall that his mother has also hit your boy. Your H also does not have your back either when it comes to his family of origin.

I would consider starting divorce proceedings as much as relationship counselling. All this is happening in front of your very eyes.

Spirited! Says everything really.

I believe my husband winds him up knowing what will happen

So your husband gives your son a hard time, and tells him off more than his sister.

Hmm. I don't think it is your son's behaviour that you need to be worried about.

the way my husband deals with him

How does he deal with him

Yes I did post previously about my husband. He did slap our son’s face on two other occasions, which I hate him for and also why I am seeking counselling on the way to an inevitable separation. His lashing out at his dad doesn’t start with him being restrained, it is from being told off and he usually confiscates something which really upsets DS. I know I shouldn’t shut H out of the room but my son finds it hard to calm down, and my H exacerbates that by just being there. I don’t think using the word ‘spirited’ says it all, just maybe me using the wrong description. He is pretty defiant with his dad - I meant he has strong emotions that maybe not everyone does. My H thinks he needs to learn to control his anger (DS, that is)

He does need to control his anger but he’s only nine and he needs help to do that. So if your husband was a decent parent he’d be looking for what those triggers are and helping his son navigate them.

My son is neurological and has difficulty with his emotions, I can see a situation building in him and de-escalate or if needed make a safe environment for him to make good choices in his struggle (be used to hit or break things, now he's better at being guided into pre agreed calm down activity)

My husband however cannot see the triggers, cannot see how his own reactions feed into the response he gets from our son and fuel anger/fear/anxiety behaviours.

It's actually intolerable because I feel it sets my son up to fail because I know his dads attitude of "stop rhat right now! Get to your room!" Escalates my son up to making poor decisions.

For this reason we are going to do a CAMHS understanding emotions course with parents separate from children so parents know the techniques their children are taught to regulate emotions.

I honestly feel like my husband needs it more than my son, as like yours, just his being there can make things worse. My son always expects his dad to shout. He's not a bad man but he just doesn't have any understanding of what could be in another persons head and is like his own son, too quick to challenge and react.

OP

You have a nine year old child. Your H may well think he needs to control his anger but do you think this is the case?. He is but a child.

I am wondering what it was like for his dad growing up; was he hit by a parent?. If he was then he has come to normalise this behaviour.

What is your son being told off for?. It could well be that he is reacting to and or otherwise copying what his dad is already teaching him. Why do you think he's hitting him rather than you?.

If you go to counselling I would go on my own. He's unlikely to want to actually attend any sessions. I would also seek legal advice asap.

How is your DH at controlling his frustrations and anger?

Cheerybigbottom

It may well be he is unlikely to take any notice of such a course and that he thinks he does not need it.

I would also seriously start to think about separation and divorce from your H. Trying to protect your son whilst you are all under the same roof is an impossible task.

OP your husband hitting your son is a pretty vital part of the picture here. He's taught your son that's how you deal with your frustration.

Your home is currently toxic. What's the purpose of delaying the separation if it's inevitable and everybody's so miserable?

Are you both on the same page re parenting? Confiscating items (eg phone or tablet use) for poor behaviour is normal. It’s not helping if you’re throwing your DH out of the room when things kick off, it’s just diving him and his father more. That said if he is acting OTT or harming your son that’s different but it sounds like you’re both on different pages re discipline which inevitably leads to more problems

Cheerybigbottom I can definitely relate to what you have described. I know I am not dealing with these situations on the best way, but it is the only way I know in the heat of the moment. That seems a good plan you have to both attend the CAMHs course so he can learn to deal with his son in a more constructive way. I hope it works for you

Kindly OP, get rid of your husband. Slapping your son twice around the face is two times too many. You must be on eggshells all the time. Poor boy.

OP,

How did the slapping happen? What was the lead up to it?

There are very few circumstances where a
parent slapping their child around the face could be justified.

Does your husband goad your into these red mists?

Does it happen often?

AttilaTheMeerkat H had what I would deem to be a strict upbringing. From what I know of his family, they are all fine with slapping kids in the face for any defiance, insisting that the children ‘obey’. They really disapprove of me and my parenting - could be a cultural difference (I am English, he is French) but I know other French families who aren’t as strict. H tends to be fairly unemotional. He slates me when I get annoyed and angry as of being angry is not allowed. To me it is a normal human emotion as long as it is not out of control. I think in his family, it is called ‘cinema’ when any of the kids has a paddy or protests about something. It is stamped on immediately.

Darbs76 You are right, we certainly aren’t on the same page with discipline. I know that my son can’t handle having his toys confiscated so I don’t do it - I prefer to sort out any bad behaviour by telling off and explaining why it shouldn’t be happening. Sometimes works, sometimes not.

It is a toxic environment that I have put up with for too long, and I’ve put up with his bullying mother for 10 years too who has constantly put me down! Time for change

I can see how this would happen OP. My DH argues with our DD12 sometimes like they are two siblings. He also doesn’t see own his actions sometimes fuels it (although thankfully nothing physical from either of them).

I advise my DH that he engages too much and if he knows he is correct over whatever it is, to just disengage - why bother arguing with a 12 yr old - she’s 12!

can you not intervene earlier if you see it is going the wrong way and calmly advise your DH to walk away prior to your son getting so wound up?

can you talk to your DH when everything is calm to work out a plan for the future when things get heated? Perhaps remind him that he is the adult and has to be the mature one? Kids are testing but if things carry on like this, his son won’t have fond memories of him in the future.

CantFindTheBeat first slap was husband telling him off for something, and going on and on about it. Son might have shouted at him and hit out at him, then he hit hit twice on his right cheek. This was about a year ago, and I said I never want to see that again - that moment killed me really and I lost all respect for H. The second time was around 3 months ago. We were supposed to be leaving the house - I went to wait in car for H and DS with DD. Son had been cheeky to H, who had told him off for being mean to his sister. DS was making fun of H and he hit him in side of the head, and then DS laid into him. So H hit him first and tried to say DS was hitting him first but I believe my DS over him. This is all after an event when DS was 4/5 yrs old and when grandmere was visiting us, she slapped my DS in the face. I can’t stand any of them. Sorry for the rambling, long explanation. H tries to deny these slapping incidents, saying it was an accident or that he doesn’t remember, and discredits my account. Actually, writing this all down makes me realise how stupid I've been letting it go on for so long

Could people please stop using the phase throw a paddy? It's offensive to Irish people

@Cheerybigbottom did you self refer to cahms for that course? Also, do you know if they offer and tips to children to help with the anger. Interested to know as I’m having same issue.