I know I should LTB but........

[BollardsRule]

I am happier in the marriage than the prospect of divorce. Came really close to splitting last year. His complaint was that 'we don't do things together'.
Well we don't! Last night he said he was going out on tomorrow, (to an event that in a 'normal' relationship a partner would have mentioned and ask if the other was interested in going to). He goes with a female friend (who just uses him as a companion). I then have to listen to her talking about the lovely time she had with him. Others must wonder why I didn't go. This isn't just a one-off. It has been going on for years. He has a parallel social life, the difficult thing is that it is with people that we both used to work with. I'm invited to some events and not to others. This has been exposed in the past and people realised that the invitation had not been passed on by him to me.
When he said he wanted to split up last I went through 9 months of hell (solicitors, sorting finances, clearing the house, viewing properties) and then this Spring he said he'd changed his mind and that he was just depressed. He's worried about retirement and said that he wanted to do things together so we could stay together. I suggested an event that we went to successfully. Since then he has carried on booking things for just himself or with others. I've suggested other outings, but he hasn't been interested. During the period of the impending divorce I starting going out on my own and with friends and have established a good social life.
I don't expect or want to go everything together but it's the things where I meet those who were invited afterwards that are hard to deal with.
I don't feel I can mention his NT/ND status without getting roasted but he is a computer programmer, as is his female friend. Also he didn't tell the DCs about the split or as far as I know anyone else. I feel I have been put in a box and am taken down from the shelf every so often.

You need marriage counseling. Also have you tried having your own social life? If you're going to stay then find ways to get your sense of worth and happiness back with or without him.

Have you said to him "you're the one who says you want to do things together, but you keep booking things without me. Can you explain why?"

You do sound a bit passive in the relationship OP. So the minute he said he didn't want a divorce you immediately put the brakes on all your arrangements? What do you want?

I am passive, because it is impossible to argue with someone who doesn't reply, wont discuss and goes off in a huff and is always right! I am also frightened of him. He doesn't say what he thinks and then comes out with divorce from nowhere. The original reasons included, 'one day he walked into the kitchen and I walked out' he took that as a rebut. It's very difficult.
I could never get him to counselling
I don't want a divorce - YET. Maybe I will get to a point when I do, I've thought that would come when we are retired, need to downsize. We've been together for over 40 years. He is frankly very boring, only wants to do what he wants to do and will go and see the same show again and again but wont try something new. He spends all his time on the laptop and his social life revolves around drink - he has cirrhosis.........

Sounds to me like you are dependent on him, despite all your justified complaints.
You need counselling for yourself, not marriage counselling.

Why are you frightened of him, OP? And why are you do willing to stay in the box he’s put you in?

This doesn’t sound like a relationship worth staying in but if you’re doing it for the material security rather than love of him perhaps you could just focus on building up your independent social life and living your life that way.

That’s really how my maternal grandparents lived in the last years of their lives. My grandfather was a real homebody and didn’t want to go anywhere but my grandmother had a great social life including making some fabulous trips abroad.

What are you still getting out of this relationship now?

What sort of a relationship example did your parents show you?. Did they have a similar relationship?

Are financial concerns and fear of him along with fear of the unknown keeping you in this?

I would urge you to make the break. Have you considered you could well end up being his full time carer as well as ground down if he already has cirrhosis.

When he said he wanted to split up last I went through 9 months of hell (solicitors, sorting finances, clearing the house, viewing properties) and then this Spring he said he'd changed his mind and that he was just depressed.

You really really need to find yourself in all of this. You are a little moon rotating around his sun and just reacting to what he wants. He changed his mind and you went running back to your horrible, miserable life of walking on eggshells?

Would you consider counselling - for you, to help you with some clarity? Not for your relationship which is a sad, dead thing and which has exactly one thing going for it - you are used to it and like an old shoe you have adapted to it, even though you have worn down and lost yourself in the process.

A new future can seem frightening, but it only needs the first step. The rest will follow. Start with finding a counsellor, someone you can talk to, something just for you to help you find yourself again. You have been a moon for so long you have lost your own inner light.

You’re just dancing to his tune. It’s about time you found your voice and used it. What on earth do you think retirement will bring?

Stop being a passenger in your own life.

OP, you don't sound happy at all, understandably. Feeling alone/unwanted in a relationship is much, much lonelier than being by yourself in my experience. I think you should try to build your own life, build up your confidence and then leave on your own terms. You deserve better than how he treats you