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Original poster

Sexual issue in a marriage - is this wrong?

22 replies

RPost · 08/10/2022 07:54

My husband and I have different views on what we should do sexually.

Husband wants me to do things that I don’t want to do, some of these things are fairly generic - in this situation, ejaculating into my mouth and putting my fingers up his bum while I give him a BJ. I used to do these things when we started dating. I have explained I don’t want to do these things anymore and he struggles to accept that. He says he would do anything I want and I believe that.

The other night he asked for me to put my fingers up his bum which I did. He is aware I don’t like to do this but I have agreed to do it to try and make him happy. He asked if he could wear a condom and ejaculate into my mouth (as a compromise - as he knows ejaculating into my mouth directly is not an option). I was hesitant because I really struggle with the thought but I have made a commitment to try and take baby steps towards things he wants to do sexually so I agreed. When he told me he was close to ejaculation I began to panic, heavy breaths, gagging uncontrollably and strong wretches and crying. He ignored it for a bit and in the end he moved his penis away from my mouth and came himself.

I really want honest feedback on what this is. I have purposely tried to make this not one-sided and acknowledge his feelings in this because I truly want to know if I am being put in a bad situation or if this is something I should continue to do and work on to save my marriage. Thank you x

OP posts:

RewildingAmbridge · 08/10/2022 07:56

No one should do anything they don't want to, I can see his confusion though if these are things you willingly did before. Has something happened since then? Your response sounds like a trauma response

SilverLiningPlaybook · 08/10/2022 07:57

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. End of. No ‘trying to e him’. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. You shouldn’t feel coerced.

SilverLiningPlaybook · 08/10/2022 07:57

‘Trying to please him’ that should be!

KangarooKenny · 08/10/2022 07:59

You shouldn’t be doing anything you don’t want to do. Even if you’ve done it previously.
If he manipulates you to do it, that’s abuse.

KangarooKenny · 08/10/2022 08:00

Are things ok in the rest of the marriage ?

Blondbombsite · 08/10/2022 08:01

Or course no one should have to do anything that they don’t want to do or feel coerced but I think it’s usual to compromise and do some things that you don’t particularly enjoy if it gives your partner satisfaction, on occasion.

That said, yoke response to ejaculating in your mouth seems extreme and I don’t see how your partner could enjoy that. I like a few things that my partner could take or leave but he does them as it brings him pleasure to watch me enjoy it, and I do the same for him.

Hotandbothereds · 08/10/2022 08:01

No you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, especially sexually. You tried it before, and you’ve decided you didn’t enjoy it, that’s fine.

He sees sex as something you do for him, not something for both of you. It needs to be mutual, not just about what he wants.

Bestcatmum · 08/10/2022 08:03

I wouldn't do any of those things and especially anything bum related. Yuck. You need to learn to say no. You are not a porn star.
If he insists then he is not worth having.

KangarooKenny · 08/10/2022 08:05

I stopped doing BJ’s when I found out that they can cause oral cancers.

KangarooKenny · 08/10/2022 08:06

Does he watch porn ?

TightDiamondShoes · 08/10/2022 08:08

Not on my list either and I’ve done them in the past when I was trying to be “liked”. But eww, no. Even vets and doctors stick gloves on before going there! 😉

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/10/2022 08:10

Do you know why you now don’t want to do these things? Or is it the case you never actually wanted to, but did them anyway? I can understand his confusion and upset if you willingly did these things before. How are things generally? Sounds like you need to talk this stuff out

Ydkiml · 08/10/2022 08:12

Your last words bothered me ‘ to save my marriage ‘ . If this is a marriage deal breaker for him , get rid of him . You should not do anything you don’t want to and if he continues to emotionally pressure you and oversteps your boundaries , then this is abuse . Sorry . He should respect your feelings and consider you .

Gloriosity · 08/10/2022 08:14

No, you shouldn’t have to force yourself to do something you hate- end of story.

I do have a couple of thoughts which don’t take away from my first sentence, just musing really- first- did you used to enjoy giving head? And if so, what changed?

And secondly, could you imagine yourself feeling comfortable to insert some sort of small anal toy on him instead of a finger? Just wondering if that would be a way you could give him that pleasure but with less direct involvement.

AgentJohnson · 08/10/2022 08:56

A man ejaculating into a woman’s mouth is standard only in porn.

When sex stopped being about us and only about Ex, was the minute I realised my relationship was over. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to sleep with him until that realisation. The expectation was I was to put out as some sort of ‘wifely duty’, said an awful lot about how little he respected me.

It sounds like you stepped over your sexual boundaries early on in the relationship and he now expects you to keep on doing so.

I doubt very much that this is the only thing in your relationship where he thinks his opinions trump yours. There’s probably a pattern which you haven’t acknowledged.

Thatnameistaken · 08/10/2022 10:27

There are things my DP and I used to do in the early days that I 'went off'. I only had to gently steer him away from those activities once or twice before he understood that I was no longer up for it.
Never once in all the years since has he pressured me to do them.
Your husband is selfish and the fact that he will have you do things that he knows you don't want to says an awful lot about him.

UWhatNow · 08/10/2022 10:34

“When he told me he was close to ejaculation I began to panic, heavy breaths, gagging uncontrollably and strong wretches and crying.”

And yet still he was able to come despite your distress. Ffs this is not fun and it’s certainly not healthy. Sex should be intimate and loving, not something that makes you wretch and cry. Do you really want this for the rest of your life? Him selfishly getting pleasure from your body and you crying? Wake up! You tell him what’s acceptable to you and if that isn’t good enough he can jog on.

Planesmistakenforstars · 08/10/2022 14:30

The fact that he ignored at first that you were panicking "gagging uncontrollably and strong wretches and crying" and then was still able to cum is really, really awful. AND he still wants you to do this again? OP have a serious think about what that means. Imagine the other way around - would you be able to stay aroused, let alone orgasm, if the person you loved was in such obvious distress as you were?

Lex345 · 08/10/2022 19:49

Firstly, stop doing things you don't want to do. Right now.

Having a healthy intimate relationship relies on trust and respecting boundaries. We all have different boundaries and they can change over time. The point is right now, your boundaries are-you don't want to do those specific acts-not only do you not want to do them, when you have tried to do them, you have had a very significant emotional response to it.

I do wonder as a PP did whether something has happened to give you a strong reaction to this now, when you have previously done these (I hope because you wanted to at the time)

I hope you are OK, it sounds like a very powerful, overwhelming distress reaction

OldFan · 08/10/2022 20:17

I have made a commitment to try and take baby steps towards things he wants to do sexually

@RPost Don't take any steps towards doing things sexually you don't like the idea of OP. It's ok to not like, or not like the idea of, some things. He's not entitled to sex acts, especially not ones you don't want to do.

There is sexual coercion here. You don't want to do X, Y, Z and that is the end of that discussion for a decent man. No trying to get you groomed slowly into doing it or anything.

Plenty of women/people in general don't like anything to do with anal play and many women don't like men to come in their mouth (many don't like giving BJ's at all.)

It is abuse for him to ask you for the bum thing, or any other act, when you've told him you don't like that act and don't want to do it again.

It's coercion, manipulation.😢

OldFan · 08/10/2022 20:19

I do wonder as a PP did whether something has happened to give you a strong reaction to this now, when you have previously done these (I hope because you wanted to at the time)

But she doesn't want to do them anymore and has said so already. Part of the intensity of OP's reaction I imagine is because this is sexual abuse, crossing boundaries and overriding her no.

OldFan · 08/10/2022 20:23

I think most people do some things early on in a sexual relationship that they eventually don't fancy doing anymore.

I definitely have in various relationships.

@RPost his attitude to sex will be a turn off in itself, from many forms of sex. He's pushy and creepy.

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