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Original poster

How do people keep relationships going?

30 replies

ElephantePicante · 07/10/2022 18:02

I've been in a relationship for a few months and we see eachother a couple of times a week. It's all been going really well but recently I feel like I just don't have the energy to 'be' someone's partner. I'm knackered after work, don't have the energy to talk to anyone, just want to eat, shower and go to bed. The evenings that we are due to see eachother I don't feel like I'm the 'best version' of myself for them. It's got me wondering how do people keep a relationship going, putting the energy in each day, alongside full time work and life and then you throw children into the mix.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/10/2022 19:22

Sounds like this one has run its course?

I think when you're with the right person, spending time with them gives you energy instead of draining it.

HighlandPony · 07/10/2022 19:29

Dunno. It’s sort of built in. Sure there are times when I can’t stand his face or and don’t want to be near him and I dare say the same is the other way around but those are a minority. Most of the time I can’t wait till he gets in, I want to make plans together, I want to do things with him, I’m more than willing to compromise with him. It just is. I can’t not talk to him for more than five or six hours without feeling it even if it’s just a text, I can’t not see him for longer than 24 hours without missing his company. Even when I go out with pals I never stay out

Ydkiml · 07/10/2022 19:30

Sounds like your working way to hard maybe ? Or you just not into her very much ? Or if you are depressed then that’s totally understandable you finding things hard ?

catchthedog · 07/10/2022 19:31

you actively want to see them and they give you energy. this just clearly isn't the one for you.

catchthedog · 07/10/2022 19:31

you actively want to see them and they give you energy. this just clearly isn't the one for you.

tocas · 07/10/2022 19:32

He isn't the one, babes.

Sunnytwobridges · 07/10/2022 19:33

I realize that when I feel like that, I'm really not that into them. I may like them well enough but they don't really do it for me. When I'm really into someone, even when i'm working 60 hour weeks, taking care of my family and my home, I still have enough energy to see the person i'm dating.

LondonCrone · 07/10/2022 19:34

I think the problem here is your work. Are you burnt out or in a toxic workplace? Work is important, but it’s our relationships that ultimately matter. I’d be looking for a job that didn’t leave me unable to engage with a life outside of it.

Isittrueornot · 07/10/2022 19:35

Your not that into him

goldfinchonthelawn · 07/10/2022 19:36

It doesn't sound like the relationship is energizing or relaxing you, A few months intio meet DH, we'd either be staying over with each other, cooking for each other etc. I remember him running me baths and making soup when I was run down from working long hours. And at the weekends we'd have fun - go to theatre or to a party or meet friends and family for drinks etc.

What I wouldn;t have the energy for is week night dates where you are expected to make an effort. I'd want week nights to be low key and save weekends for bigger dates.

gwenneh · 07/10/2022 19:36

If you have to be a version of yourself to be around him, best or otherwise, he's not the one for you.

User135644 · 07/10/2022 19:37

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/10/2022 19:22

Sounds like this one has run its course?

I think when you're with the right person, spending time with them gives you energy instead of draining it.

Depends on your personality though. If you're very introverted it's hard if you've been around people all day in work, you just want to your own space when you get home.

Orangio · 07/10/2022 19:39

I am an introvert and need recharge time alone. I had to push through this stage in my relationship until I got to the point where my partner was so well known to me that I didn't need energy to be with him any more. He doesn't 'count' as socialising now, it's more like spending time with another me.

Is that kind of what you mean? If you feel this way about everyone, maybe this partner is actually a good un, and you just need to push through this stage? Find ways to make it easier practically.

If it's just him you find hard work though, maybe he's not for you?

daisychain01 · 07/10/2022 19:39

a) both of you wanting to be with each other

b) keeping your own identity

c) little deeds of love every day. Things to surprise each other, none of which need any money.

Original poster
ElephantePicante · 07/10/2022 19:41

@Orangio yes I feel like this with most. I'm very introverted. I don't know how to push through it. They haven't done anything wrong and are absolutely great. It's me.

OP posts:
IronicElf · 07/10/2022 19:45

If you feel there's something in common you build on that. Add a new regular activity, even if it's Asda pizza and a Amazon Prime film ( take turns, the other HAS to watch it - the only reason I watched Constantine with Keanu Reeves was DH's turn. my film was Miss Congeniality 2. He had to concede my choice was better ( DH just now re-admitted mine was better).

BUT

This is the point where you need to see the faults. Do not waste time on somebody not worth it.

I have this thing.. it's tossing a coin. It sounds ridiculous, but you're not going to do what the coin says - that would be ridiculous. You can't base life decisions on a flip of a coin.

But as the coin hits, and settles you will have an emotional response. Are you glad or are you sad? That's what you need to pay attention to. THAT will tell you what you want to do.

Orangio · 07/10/2022 19:46

Well to start with I would explain to them how you feel. And assuming you get a sympathetic response hopefully they'll be open to changing things a bit. Some ideas might be:

Not meeting week nights but having more time together at weekends
Agreeing that any week night meet ups are not for doing anything except eating boring food and slumping in front of TV/reading a book. Basically whatever you would do if they weren't there.
Try walks together? If kids allow.

catchthedog · 07/10/2022 19:48

I'm very introverted too but it's only ever been an issue when it's not the right partner.

Original poster
ElephantePicante · 07/10/2022 19:52

Yes that's a good point @IronicElf

@Orangio but even slumping in front of the TV together isn't alone enough for me. Because there's still the expectation to chat, cuddle and then have sex. And then you feel guilty because they understandably want to cuddle and connect. I literally want to sit in silence alone midweek then go to sleep.

OP posts:
Aconitum · 07/10/2022 19:55

Scrap the week nights and just see each other at weekends.
There you go - problem solved😁

BiasedBinding · 07/10/2022 19:55

Only see him/her at weekends? It works for some people

MotherofPearl · 07/10/2022 20:18

OP, I think it's okay to say that you'd rather be single, if you think that's what you'd prefer.

Even good relationships with someone you love can be hard work at times. Maybe you would be happier alone - that's a valid choice.

zonky · 07/10/2022 20:30

Ok, we have been socialised/conditioned into thinking that we 'must' have a romantic relationship otherwise we aren't 'complete'. It's nonsense of course.

I agree with pp @MotherofPearl
Many people are in relationships because they're co dependent, because they can't cope being alone, because they want to get married/have children etc. Lots of reasons why to bother spending time with someone else as being single is seem as sad situation (it isn't of course) and these other milestones are only possible with a partner (for some people) so they keep at being 'someone's partner '.

If your partner isn't meeting your needs then you need to think about whether it is worth carrying on with.

Watchkeys · 08/10/2022 13:43

ElephantePicante · 07/10/2022 19:41

@Orangio yes I feel like this with most. I'm very introverted. I don't know how to push through it. They haven't done anything wrong and are absolutely great. It's me.

You don't have to push through anything. You are who you are, and you want what you want, and there's nothing wrong with that. The right person for you will be fine with you saying you need to retreat for a bit. The right person for you will be happy for you to slob about in pyjamas and not speak, when you need to.

Stop trying to be the right person for somebody else. Be the right person for you, and 'your people'/'your person' will happily stick around.

Lookingoutside · 08/10/2022 15:45

Maybe full on relationships aren’t right for you. You might need your own time and space and that’s normal and fine.

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