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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you want to know?

30 replies

HotelNotel · 07/10/2022 15:54

In need of some advice here.
Recently started seeing a man, he spent months messaging me beforehand. However I have since found out he has a long term girlfriend, and I'm pretty sure they're also trying for a baby.
I am devastated as I thought he was lovely, now I realise what he's really like and that he was just using me.
Obviously I no longer want anything to do with him, however, I feel guilty that there's a woman out there falling for the same nice guy act, who's invested years in a relationship with this man. My question is, what would you do, would you tell her? Would you want to know if you were her? I can't stand the thought that men will continue getting away with this sort of behaviour unless we call them out on it.

I've tried looking at some similar threads for support but the answers seem so mixed, so any help or wisdom would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Founditinyou · 07/10/2022 15:58

I would want to know.

firstmummy2019 · 07/10/2022 16:03

Yes would want to know. I would send her an email telling her everything with screenshots/ dates. Not just for her but to prevent children being bought into this awful mess.

firstmummy2019 · 07/10/2022 16:04

Does he know that you know about the girlfriend?

YellowRedBlueGreen · 07/10/2022 16:07

I would want to know but your first priority is your own safety

Original poster
HotelNotel · 07/10/2022 16:09

@firstmummy2019 yes he does. We were at a work event and someone brought her up, then a couple of people started openly discussing her.
So he knows I know. He also knows some of our other colleagues are aware what he's been doing.
So I'm also worried if I send screenshots/ hardcore evidence to her (which would be best as then she knows for sure), he will know for sure it was me that told her. I know he'd likely suspect me anyway, but he couldn't prove it.

And I understand what some people think about seeing/dating people you work with. But I thought Id met a nice man in a natural environment, the same as an apparently large percentage of us do. So please be kind.

OP posts:
LivingMyBestLie · 07/10/2022 16:12

Yes you need to tell her. All the while she's not pregnant, she can move on and start afresh without a second thought for him.

If I was her I'd hate your guts (obviously it's not your fault but you will be apportioned blame). But I'd still want to know, and years later I'd probably be extremely grateful to you for exposing what a lying twat he is.

girlmom21 · 07/10/2022 16:13

You need to tell her before she gets pregnant because you won't be the last woman he cheats with.

The sheer audacity of him being so bloody brazen!

mollymole999 · 07/10/2022 16:13

Tell her

Aggypanthus · 07/10/2022 16:15

You need to tell him you are going to tell her, then tell her. Otherwise you are being sly

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/10/2022 16:15

I would want to know. I think you should tell her.

Original poster
HotelNotel · 07/10/2022 16:18

@LivingMyBestLie I totally understand that, even though I had no clue. And I'm not afraid of that.

But I feel like, unless I set myself up for a world of pain at work, and risk a reputation as a bitter, psycho bunny-boiler, I dont really have a choice but to tell her anonymously, and leave any evidence out that leaves no doubt it's me.

But that seems cruel, like it would leave her unsure of what to believe.

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 07/10/2022 16:18

Yes tell her

Original poster
HotelNotel · 07/10/2022 16:21

@girlmom21 that was my other concern, I won't be the last. And now with hindsight, the way he sort of 'groomed' me in to position using pointless work tasks to connect with me etc, is a little creepy.

To top it off with how he let me find out- brutally and publicly. Knowing it was always going to end in my humiliation. He didn't even follow me, message or call me until the next day. And we were staying in the same hotel. Heartless coward.

OP posts:
Doggiedoodoos · 07/10/2022 16:25

Tell her. CHeating pricks like this need to be stopped in their tracks and she has a right to know what he has been doing behind her back. Sorry you found out the way you did. What a prick.

UseOfWeapons · 07/10/2022 16:29

I would want to know if I was in her situation.

Original poster
HotelNotel · 07/10/2022 16:33

Thank you so much for your support everyone.

Can I ask, do you think it is still fair to send her an email or a letter telling her, if I don't send any evidence or anything that could identify me? I know arguably that's cowardly on my part but I have to protect my career.

At least if I've told her, she can investigate further herself?

OP posts:
Original poster
HotelNotel · 07/10/2022 16:40

@Aggypanthus but is it sly to not tell him, or sensible? I understand it's obviously worse what he's done to her, but he's put me through a lot too. I can't risk my career as well.

Also, if I warn him first, any evidence she could discover for herself, will likely be wiped.

OP posts:
Monsteraobliqua · 07/10/2022 16:41

You'll get a mixed bag of responses but I would want to know. It sounds systematic and practiced, not a genuine situation where he fell for you, I'm very sorry to say. No reflection on you, of course. He also sounds like he was quite happy for you to be made aware in such a humiliating way, assuming that you wouldn't want to take it any further and he would have no come back.

You don't owe him or his partner anything but if you feel telling her would be the right thing then unless you think he might react violently then I would do so. Don't send an anonymous letter. Let her know there is proof if she wants to see it.

What's your line manager at work like, and who are they in relation to him? Is it someone you could speak to preemptively? As in, 'I know this is very awkward and unusual but I entered into a relationship with Joe in good faith. It now turns out he has a partner and I think it's the right thing to let her know. I am concerned about any bullying or fallout at work so wanted to give you the heads up in case this happens. However, all I want it to continue working here with no further upset and would appreciate your support in case this becomes difficult'. I think it would depend a lot on your individual manager but could be worth asking if they would be supportive.

Aggypanthus · 07/10/2022 16:43

Then protect your career and do nothing, She will find out for herself without your input anyway.
Move on

Anniefrenchfry · 07/10/2022 16:50

God how awful. When you say recently, how much had you seen him? Did you go on dates or was it just sex?

I think you need to protect yourself. If you change job then tell her.

Original poster
HotelNotel · 07/10/2022 16:54

@Monsteraobliqua You've summed it up exactly there. It was all practiced, he didn't fall for me at all. I could tell by his response- all he could say was that he was 'a dick'. No assurance given that he ever valued me in any way. Not that it would have made a difference but I think it proves his motive and the fact that he's likely to do it again.

I did make my line manager aware as I was frighted of work fallout. She contacted him (even though I asked her not to, seperate issue) and told him his behaviour was disgraceful and he was lucky I wasn't taking it further. I think she was upset as she knows him well and thought he was this nice, shy guy.

OP posts:
Original poster
HotelNotel · 07/10/2022 16:56

@Anniefrenchfry I thought it could go either way, but we'd been on a couple of dates etc.

It's a relief knowing the truth now, but I wish I'd found out earlier and saved myself the pain. I suppose that's why I feel bad his gf doesn't know.

OP posts:
LumpyandBumps · 07/10/2022 17:38

I would want to know BUT perverse as it sounds I wouldn’t want to be told by the other woman.
I can’t really put into words why I feel that way. Maybe because whatever her motivation I would possibly be suspicious of her reasons for telling me, or I wouldn’t want to have to feel grateful, etc.
I think you should do what is best for you.

HereForTheCommentsB · 07/10/2022 18:32

I would definitely want to know, particularly if they're trying to conceive. It's unlikely you are the first or will be the last and that's an awful situation to bring an innocent child into because he'll be found out at some point regardless and she'll be linked to him for life.

Please don't tell her without proof though because he will gaslight her by telling her it's all lies and she'll doubt everything.

HE did this, not you. If there is a fallout at work it should be him on the receiving end.

Mrstiggywinkle44 · 07/10/2022 18:59

Tell her with proof. I would want to know if it was me x

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