Are some people impossible to love?

[MandiY]

I'm in this horrible cycle of being in a relationship for a few months, developing strong feelings then being told by the other party they haven't developed any feelings for me or there is no spark. I feel like I must just be really boring, or unlovable for some reason. This isn't me, I genuinely feel this way. It'd happened again tonight and I am just fed up to the max. Typing through tears but I'm 31, would like kids and stability and a relationship but equally don't think I can handle this over and over again.

That's meant to say this isn't me feeling sorry for myself.

Bump

Of course you’re not impossible to love! You’ve just had a run of bad luck that’s all. Do you think you attach too soon?

I don't think so. I'm always pretty cautious initially. It had been 8 months which I think is long enough to have developed strong feelings but not too long to feel like my life is falling apart. It is just shit. I can deal with a breakup but when it's repeated and the excuse is always 'I haven't developed deeper feelings for you' it does things to your soul.

Painful OP but it will pass, don’t let him interrupt your alignment with your soul. His loss. Time for some high strength self care and compassion.

I’m so sorry, that sounds horrible. You are not impossible to love. Sending you a very non-MN hug.

I wish I could just fast forward to the bit where I'm ok!! I hate breakups they just take so much out of you. I was falling in love with this guy. Just feel a bit broken.

I know. It’s that ‘how is this happening AGAIN’? feeling. We all get it and it’s horrible. But it passes, I promise.

You need to figure out why you keep choosing the wrong kind of man, why you develop such strong feelings for someone who isn't reciprocating them. I'm thinking there are red flags from the beginning that you're not seeing.

I think this is totally off the mark. This is sadly just how breakups work. He was a lovely lovely bloke it just didn't work out and unfortunately I'm not the one who wanted it to end.

That sounds hard op but don't give up.

We're all just winging it anyway, many in shit situations, living a lie, so many people putting brave faces on.

Take some time out, look after yourself, spend some money on yourself and re emerge.

Don't give up hope, you are still so young, remember fortune favours the brave.

I used to have this.

Quite happy minding my own business then some guy would come along and really pursue me. I'd initially be unsure it could be true then dive in and then they would just stop liking me.

I felt like there must be something wrong with me - that when they got to know me something was so awful they would be put off. I would have no idea what I had done wrong.

I think you just have to support yourself and just look at it as not a good fit and as likely as much about them or something you aren't aware of going on then it all being about you.

Hugs to you I know it's hurtful and bewildering.

I know you've disagreed with a PP who said this but honestly my first thought is that you're dating men who don't want to settle down or are incaple of deep feelings full stop.

Unless there are repeated issues of you being jealous, violent, deceptive etc then someone who got into a relationship with you should naturally develop deeper feelings.

I'm not sure you should be so quick to rule out examining the type of men you're getting into relationships with.

The average person has several relationships, most of which don’t work out. Picking the perfect partner generally doesn’t happen the first, second or third time (nor should it). That is the nature of dating and relationships. It’s horrid when they don’t work out, but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything needs to be ‘examined’.

I think that if you're waiting for their feelings to develop, you must be going through months of relationships without there being strong feelings from your partner, is that right? So your feelings are getting stronger and stronger, and then you notice after a while that there's a discrepancy, and then you wait for him to catch up?

I'm wondering if you go for emotionally unavailable men?

Have you considered going solo to be a parent? It's not a requirement to be in a relationship in order to have a child and you certainly will have more agency over this aspect (rather than waiting for a man, then for the right relationship, then for the right time to TTC etc etc.).

Of course fertility cannot be predicted but it would remove the element of having a relationship .

I decided to de-couple these two concepts (having a child and a relationship) and have gone on to be a solo parent and no regrets other than I should have done it sooner! I've even go on a few coffee dates since having my child without the anxiety of will it or won't it work out!