How do you know when to call it a day?

[Nightshift110]

Me and my partner have been together nearly 10 years , 2 lovely children .
Since having the children our relationship has just drifted I feel.

He doesn't want to get married, and now actually it's past the point of being genuine... This is a Major sticking point . I just don't feel he loves me enough.
Maybe I'm expecting too much .

I don't feel myself, I've put weight on which I'm trying to get off and my mental health isn't good . I just feel a general unhappiness daily .

He works 50 hour weeks but comes in and barely acknowledges me. Faffs around doing all the housework I haven't managed to do between looking after 2 small children , before you know it it's betime for the kids and I'm not far behind them! I'm upstairs he's downstairs, doesn't come up til half 11 and I'm already asleep. Sex and intimacy are non existent.

I've had a chat with the doctor and they are referring me to weight management and also im thinking of trying antidepressants, I've been here before with this feeling of unhappiness, I guess I'm just trying to work out of its me, general life and the toughness of motherhood , if antidepressants lift my mood.. Or if it's him/the relationship making me unhappy.
Any thoughts anyone ?

I really don't want to throw away 10 years, its not what I wanted for me or my children .

I think your overall mood will lift when you and he are separated. From what you've written about the relationship it is HE who is the root cause here of your unhappiness. He does not want to get married to you, he faffs about with the housework you have not done, there is no sex nor intimacy nor does he properly acknowledge you. Anti depressants and such like may well just continue to mask the relationship problems.

What did you learn about relationships as a child?. Did your dad treat your mum like this too?.

Would you want your children to have a similar sort of relationship to yours?. No you would not but if you did decide to stay there is a far greater likelihood of them repeating similar. You are currently showing them that this model of a relationship is acceptable to you.

re your comment:
"I really don't want to throw away 10 years"

This thinking is an example of the sunk costs fallacy and like many in such poor relationships you are becoming bogged down in your sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested too much (you've made a reference to 10 years), so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Notice yourself and start to rebuild your life without him in it day to day.

Agree with PP, check out sunk cost fallacy. Also agree that you don't sound happy and that sounds like it's mainly due to him/the relationship. If you want a more positive spin, it sounds like you have already got the best thing you could hope for from the relationship, two lovely children. So perhaps you also need to think, do you want them growing up with an unhappy mum, and thinking unhappy relationships are normal? Surely separated but happy is better.

Also, as an aside, I've found it much easier to eat sensibly since separating from my unaffectionate, unloving partner. I've realised that I did a lot of comfort eating because I had no comfort with him. Now I'm happier by myself, I don't want to or need to use food to lift my mood.