Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary

[34and3]

But I don't think I love him anymore. I'm a regular just name changed for this btw.

We've been together 11 years, married for 5 (tomorrow) and have three children.

For context, our relationship has always been a rollercoaster. Nothing massive. No huge catastrophes but a lot of bickering level arguments.

Our youngest is only 7 months so I'm on maternity leave. He works from home (has been since covid) so whilst we're always together it's never qt.

Sex life dwindled years and years ago at my choosing. Literally just dtd to ttc the kids more or less. Sad but true. Our sex lives are miles apart but we've been this way for so long now it's just what it is. This is just for context because I know someone will ask.

Anyway. My feelings have lessened over the years. He's a good guy, works hard, does his share, good dad. I feel however that I don't love him anymore.

Is this normal for after 11 years? Not necessarily falling out of love but feelings dropping?

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. My parents have agreed to have the baby whilst we go for lunch but I don't want to go. I don't even know what to write in a card.

That’s what raising young children does to relationships, unless you both make deliberate efforts… it’s hard.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. It's a poor relationship you are in and modelling to your kids. If you do not love him any longer let him go. Staying in a loveless marriage will do you no favours either.

Many people are afraid to move on with their own lives and take responsibility for their own happiness.

Your relationship too has consisted throughout of highs followed by crushing lows. Is this how you think relationships should be?. You do not want to go out with your H tomorrow to celebrate your wedding anniversary. If a friend was telling you all this what would your own counsel be?.

Where do you see yourself in say a year to eighteen months time, still with him?. I would hope not. And what about your three children here; is this really the role model of a relationship you want to be showing them and for them to go onto repeat themselves?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what are you now teaching your own children?.

I think you should make definately go to lunch and have a frank conversation.

You created children in a relationship already lacking in intimacy, no wonder the love has suffered.
You have to remember to care for each other and create the spark of intimacy. Kids do challenge the best of relationships never mind one's that are already struggling to keep their head alive water, but the ones that come through intact are the ones that don't put each other at the back of the Q for consideration every day.
It can be salvaged. In my experience. My dh and I went through a tough period of relentless life challenges and got to the point where sex was almost a weird suggestion, it felt odd to be sexy with him, so it was rare. However, neither of us wanted the spark to go out (still liked each other and it was circumstances that had put us there) so we talked and listened and made positive changes based on how we felt and what we needed. (to show you how bad it was, one of the things I asked for was more eye contact!) 10 years on now and we are back in business, in fact sex life better than ever, we have forged an even deeper understanding by uniting in our wish to keep our marriage and love going. We came SO close to point of no return, but you can turn it round if you want to. It takes time and both of you have to be genuinely interested in trying to rescue things.
I'm sure you're both suffering in your own ways with the lack of intimacy (emotional and physical).
Step one is to talk to him. You must have loved him at some point. Unless he was just a convenient man at the right time, but I hope not because no one deserves that.

All marriages go through tough periods and feelings aren't always the same throughout a marriage. It always takes both people to make an effort and keep the relationship alive, it won't survive if one checks out. Id say try to make an effort before checking out and and see what happens.

Thanks for the replies.

What do I write in a card?

Dear H

Happy anniversary

From 34and3

sounds crap but I can't fake any washy rubbish

You can be truthful too, maybe something like how it hasn’t been easy with building your family, but you have your three lovely children which are the product of your marriage etc