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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Living Apart (Holidaying) Together

2 replies

aibuorno · 06/10/2022 13:41

Been with my dp for 5 years now, but we live apart, no intention of blending families - I have 3 dc, he has 2, both of us full time single parents (except for partial EOWs, which we do keep synced to each other).

So our blended family holidays are the only chance we get to spend proper time together - even though they're focussed on entertaining the kids, we do at least get the evenings to ourselves, and get to wake up alongside each other. The holidays are the one part of our life that's intertwined - we plan them together, share the costs and go 2 or 3 times a year. We usually book a big house/cottage through airbnb or similar, self catered, not too far away, nothing extravagant.

But last week DP announces that he's bought himself a touring caravan. It's 4 berth so big enough for him and his 2 DC to use, but obviously no prospect of us all holidaying together in it. I've no idea where that leaves us with our blended family holidays. DP appears to be intending to use his caravan at every opportunity (fair enough, it's obviously going to be far cheaper for him than 'proper' holiday accommodation, even with us sharing). There's even been talk of them going away in it between Christmas and new year, despite us already having a joint holiday together provisionally booked for then!

We had discussed camping in tents together in the past but DP always despised and rejected the idea, even though I'd be ok with it. So while I suppose me and my kids could pitch a tent next to their caravan, it would feel a bit double standards/second class for my kids, and would lose the feeling of togetherness. We could have bought a bigger caravan together (something that I did say to DP when he casually suggested a caravan ages ago, even though one big enough for all of us would be rather large and crowded). But then he went and got this one without any further discussion.

We haven't seen each other alone yet, so haven't had chance for a proper conversation about his intentions, and the wider aspect on how it will affect our relationship - the biggest thing we look forward to doing together appears to have just evaporated. I can't figure out if DP thinks/realises that, if he's not bothered, or not even considered it.

It all seems very self indulgent and inconsiderate of our relationship, and is leaving me feeling a bit insecure about it tbh. Almost to the point of wondering if the relationship was ever more than a convenience for him - a way to afford cheaper holidays by sharing the cost with me. Without our joint holidays the only other time we have together is 36 hours on our child free weekends, which pass in a blink of an eye.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed about this?

OP posts:
Unforgettablehamster · 06/10/2022 17:50

No OP you are not. I would put your emotions aside for a moment (you may love him and he may love you but make it irrelevant) and ask yourself: am I treated like a partner in this relationship? Which of my needs is this relationship fulfilling? Which are not fulfilled? Where do I see this relationship going? Does my partner share my vision? How would I prefer him to approach the holiday situation?
Men in relationships similar to yours have a tendency to enjoy them because they get what they need from partner without any serious commitment, including involving partners in decisions which affect both households. They often take on ‘projects’ that are not enhancing the relationships, yet women are expected to support their ideas and just go along with it.

CousinKrispy · 06/10/2022 21:33

I don't think you're at all unreasonable, OP. Given that you've been together five years and had an established pattern of sharing your holidays, to do this without having a discussion first to say "This is probably going to bring about changes to this significant part of our shared life, so let's at least talk about it first" seems shockingly thoughtless.

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