I'm trapped by husbands mental health problems

[Spookysun]

Been having marriage problems for years. Have 2 kids under 10. He's recently been diagnosed with depression and has started medication. Currently seeing no benefit from them but been told they can take a while to work.
It's taken him at least 10 years to acknowledge these issues and I'm so glad he has finally done so but I'm scared that the damage to our marriage is irreparable.
When he started the medication, I had in my mind that he would become a new man and all our woes would disappear!! But on reflection, this is never going to happen because a large portion of it is his natural personality and that isn't going to change.
I had been working up to courage to say I want to seperate, I'd even told my parents. But now he's actively trying to help the situation takes the reason away that I was going to use. I have got tog give him time to see if this works.
But in the meantime it's mine I'm walking on egg shells. I darent say a word out of line to him and I'm desperately trying to keep everything ticking over smoothly so that nothing triggers him or sets him off. But that's not real life and something will eventually happen that will cause him to have a melt down. It's so tough.
He's signed of work at the moment and I'm a housewife so we are in the house together 24/7. I aren't getting a break at all and I'm finding it very smothering. I want tone supportive but I've been worn down by 20 years of this and there's noone for me to talk to or get support from

You’re talking to your parents so that’s some support. What’s your plan for housing and contact with the kids when you leave him? Have you thought all of that through?

You’re right, the way you’re living currently isn’t healthy, for you or your children, and it’s not sustainable. You can leave him. His behaviour over a long period of time has wrecked your marriage and finally taking medication but still expecting you to walk on eggshells isn’t far too little far too late. You’re not trapped and you owe it to your kids to give them a happier life than they’re living at the moment.

Work through the steps you need to take to make it happen. Are you job hunting? Do you rent or own? Will your parents let you stay if you need to?

Yes I have it all planned out. I was all ready to do it but then he took this step and I do want to give him a chance, it's just really difficult

My mum isn't supportive unfortunately. She has stayed in a n unhappy marriage for 40 yrs and counting yet moans to me every single day about how unhappy she is. I told her the problems and she said I should stay in the marriage.
My fear now is if I leave him he will not manage well on his own or he will do something to himself. I think it would push him over the edge and it makes me feel trapped.

You need to put yourself and your children first. This is a horrible life and neither of you are happy. It sounds as though your relationship is abusive. You should not have to walk on eggshells in your own home. He is not your responsibility. He is a grown man with agency over his words and actions and whatever he does is up to him. Whatever you do should be up to you, but yes, you absolutely can and should leave.

My fear now is if I leave him he will not manage well on his own or he will do something to himself. I think it would push him over the edge and it makes me feel trapped.

How many more years of your life, your children’s childhoods, will you sacrifice on the chance he might hurt himself? 1, 5, 10? He’s an adult. His mental health is his responsibility alone.

But you're not responsible for him at the end of the day and he is an adult too.
How many chances have you already given him?.

Walking on eggshells is code to my mind for living in fear. Have you actually lived in fear of him and have tip toed around him in an attempt not to set him off?. Has he been abusive towards you; I ask this as many abusers cite depression as an excuse to further abuse their chosen target.

Do not further do what your mother has done here i.e. stay in an unhappy marriage because of her own reasons for doing so. She doing that threw you under the bus in the process.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Would you want them to have a marriage and or relationship like this; no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

The harsh truth is that you are not responsible for your husband's happiness, and that you are sacrificing your own life (and happiness) to stay with a man who makes you miserable.

You will be experiencing what's known as FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).

This is no way to live and you know you deserve better, right?

You are also not responsible for how he reacts and behaves when you separate. If he has a mental health crisis, or threatens suicide, then he will have to go to hospital. He has to take responsibility for his own mental health.

You DO NOT HAVE TO STAY in this marriage. You can leave for any reason. You do not need to justify why. This year's introduction of "no fault divorce" makes it much easier to divorce.

You only have this one life. Don't waste any more of it on a marriage that brings you nothing except heartache.

Don't feel you have to stay because a 'reason to leave' has been taken away eg him getting help. Not wanting to be with him anymore is a good enough reason. It's horrible but you have to prioritise yourself. It sounds like your mental wellbeing has taken second place to his for a long time. You deserve more than that.

MH problems are not an excuse for making someone else unhappy.

You don't have to repeat your mum's experience. Ignore her advice - misery loves company and its not fair of her to expect you to be unhappy just because she is.

You have my deepest sympathies
I do wonder what life would have been like had I left my partner at the ages yours are - mine are now older teenagers with commitment issues and MH / anxiety having lived with deeply unhappy parents for the last 10 years

There have been good times but it's bloody hard to make that call - I couldn't leave for the fear of making him worse and destroying his relationship with the kids - as well as being scared and ground down.

Is there anything in the relationship that works - any sparks or smiles - anything to build on - can you have an honest conversation maybe through counselling on how his illnesses affect you and the kids?

Maybe if you explored all the options then making the decision to stay or leave would be easier as you've tried?

Also get out each day for you - have a breather - relax - get some space for you to just be and don't don't listen to your mother xx

Its never too late to leave knackeredmu. Staying with him has cost both you and your children dearly.

Thank you
We are in a much better place now -
It's been horrendous but I quite like him now (some of the time) it's different as the kids are older and we have time at the weekends as a couple.
Leaving would have destroyed him and I didn't want to do that to my children's dad - that seemed worse than battling through - that's why I stayed.

Your mother moaning to you every single day struck a nerve with me. I had a not dissimilar type of relationship with my dm when I was a full-time mum. It was as if she saw my situation as a way to get a daily counsellor and got rid of all her stress by giving it to me? If this is happening on top of living with a depressed DH I can imagine it feels as if the walls are closing in on you?

Are you maybe struggling with your mental health as well? It sounds as if you have been the sponge to mop up everyone's negative thoughts and feelings for a long time.

I don't know if and when you should leave but maybe use this little bit of time to get some counselling for yourself and start putting a spotlight on you for a change. I did and it changed everything.

Women aren’t rehab centres for men. He has damaged your mental health over the years, there’s no duty to give even more of yourself. He’s a grown man, if he can’t cope with the split, he can get therapy and help like other adults do, but what he can’t demand is that you sacrifice your own happiness to continue to act as his support human. You can support him without being in a relationship with him anyway.

Time to put yourself and your needs first. Good luck.

Oh my couldn't drop by without saying I'm so sorry, my DH also suffers from anxiety and depression and it's very very hard to live with. My kids are young adults now, but if I had my time again I'd think VERY seriously about the impact this will have on you and your children if you stay with him. I know it sounds awful to say this, but I know first hand how hard it can be to live with. It can really drag you down, it can be so hard to look after your own mental health when you live with someone with long term depression.

@Spookysun what did you decide to do in the end? X