Don’t think I love my husband

[SammiSnaill]

Pretty miserable over here :(
Been with OH for 5 years, got married June this year. Have a nearly 2 yr old. I’m 35.
Never felt that overwhelming desire for him physically but sex was good at the start. I fell for him for the way he treated me (like a princess, like I was his number 1 priority) after coming out of a very long abusive relationship.

OH is very successful, a multiple business owner, on the outside it looks like we have a perfect life, big house (rented), holiday home in Spain, I can work part time or could stop work if I wanted. He’s trustworthy, loyal, super clever. We get on well, he is easy to live with and is generous and kind. But there’s something missing - I knew it on our wedding day (and long before tbh - but most profoundly from the beginning of this year) but i couldn’t cancel last minute - I felt too bad.

I’ve since told him I don’t feel a physical connection with him which hurt him a lot. I fantasise about sleeping with other guys all the time, I have a very high sex drive but do not want to sleep with him and have been noticeably cold / closed off to him. I had to force myself to on our wedding night. Im seeing a therapist to get my thoughts in order.

Leaving him will crush him and the thought of being a single mum, living on my own is terrifying. I love him as a friend but there is no sexual or physical bond or deep connection there for me. Ultimately I am staying for financial security and our daughters stable home life. But there’s another voice on my shoulder saying the grass isn’t always greener and I should be grateful!

Being honest, I knew in early 2019 that something was missing but I’d had breast cancer and thought no one else would love me / fancy me after the surgery.

So I really don’t know what to do - stay or leave.

sorry for the ramble, any thoughts and comments appreciated.x

Let him go.

I bet he’s miserable too.

Leave. Incredibly unfair on his to be wasting his life being rejected and made to feel like crap about himself.

Staying to use him for money is grim.

Poor bloke, let him go.

This sounds depressing.

Time for you both to move on and find happiness elsewhere, however hard that might seem right now.

crazy how wonderful your relationship is and he’s great and it’s just the physical stuff that makes you want to leave.

your poor daughter.

btw, I once read how after abusive relationship, safe relationships can feel boring or ”lack attraction”, it’s because the abuse and uncertainty kept you in constant hormonal rush.
so if your relationship is safe, you donmt feel so called butteflies and you believe there is no live, even though it the opposite….

Yes, be careful the spark you are missing isn't 'being treated like shit'.

It can warp our sex drive.

Work on it- your attraction, your desire. Try and use him as your fantasy- the brain is malleable, if you associate him with great sex you'll desire him again.

That totally doesn't work when the guy isn't right in other ways. If yours is attentive and decent, you can relight the fire, I reckon.

Do him a favour and leave him, you were wrong to marry him and have a child with him and he deserves a lot better than you being cold and distant because you have major issues due to your previous relationship.

He sounds like a total catch and there are a million women out there who would genuinely like to be with him and treat him well I'm sure.

I think the key thing here is you coming out previously of a long term abusive relationship which as pointed out can fog you feelings with the highs and lows of that. I know this from experience as my relationships since seem a little boring and lack drama plus the physical passionate side that came with the abuse.
In another way a gut feeling also means a lot as it eats away at you. If you feel something is no there or right you can't ignore that. Don't do anything rash. Talk to him, try to improve things physically and if that fails walking away but at least you've tried.
Good luck!

I wouldn't make any big decisions without taking some time to examine your feelings. Especially because you have a young child which can really mix you up.

Can you access therapy to talk things over?

You may just confirm what you are feeling or you may not.

Poor guy's whole life is built on a lie. 😢
It sounds like you had some tough stuff going on so I'm sure you didn't plan things to be this way but you've denied your true feelings for a long time and have tried to construct your life for reasons of fear instead. Only you can know whether you can keep this up for life... But suspect not and the sooner you come clean, so forgiveness and moving on can begin, the better.
As much as those choices were flawed they were also understandable in the context of your life events. So if you share all this with him that's the best chance you have of not perpetuating this lie and therefore the damage and of being able to Co-parent successfully.
Not easy, not nice. But don't continue, because it strips him off his own agency and choice for his life and removes the chance for him (and you) to try again.
The younger your daughter is when this happens the better for her.
This house of cards is going to collapse one day, just because life isn't smooth and you can't ride out life's challenges in a partnership if the partnership is hollow.