What is the reasonable thing to do - speak or silence and move on..

[LaVieestBelleNestCePas]

This is a tough one. My upbringing has been fraught with trauma and treatment that has - at times- left me insecure, heartbroken and very, very angry in retrospect. My trauma centres on the way my mum treated me (the oldest) and my younger brother and sister - but in later years - my children - now young adults - and now recently something that really has me thinking about ceasing all contact with my mum, and now brother and sister.
In April of this year - going home after a two year absence (due to work overseas) I went back to where my mum lives (and for all intents and purposes where I lived for 4 four short years). I was there for 9 days, advised with a months notice I was coming - was told I couldn't stay as my younger brother - who has lived at mum's for the past 13 years (he is in his early 50's) that he wasn't happy for me to stay (at mum's) - so I indicated I would stay with a friend. I stopped by mid week - after calling and texting to say I would pop by to say hello - and was greeted at the door with a hello - followed by the door closing in my face - with my friend (female) who I was staying with - and remained in the car in the parking area - she had driven me there - I was mortified. I didn't know what to say - my aunt (mum's younger sister) provided comfort and insight into her behaviour - that she (mum) knew what she was doing - that it was deliberate - and to simply ignore it - walk away - etc. Thing is - this has been going on for most of my life and I really feel confused, upset and simply find it difficult to be thick-skinned as some friends have suggested. I have always been the 'dutiful' one, the one that looked after my younger siblings, who did well at school and tried her best to not cause trouble or heartbreak to my family. My parents split when I was 16 - my mum in retrospect did everything she could to vilify my dad - and after 30 years of thinking hard about it - has me thinking it is just a case of divide and rule - and the lady dad has been with - for the past 30 odd years - far surpasses his marriage to mum - so who is the difficult one here? In passing I have always been blatantly treated differently to my siblings - I put myself through uni - bought my first home by myself, sent my children to good schools, fought hard to provide for my family - paid for my children's sports, holidays, dental work, travel and activities - holiday camps etc - with absolutely no financial support (not one penny) from mum - or dad - in contrast - my younger sister received 4 cars (all brand new) from mum, 6 years free accommodation, uni fees paid in full, food, heat, council tax, petrol and food paid for her and her two children and (former) partner who is a tradesman but never worked full time - this includes holidays overseas, camps for the children, holidays paid etc - my sister now separated since the children were small now lives in state housing and goes regularly to the foodbank - my brother as stated lives with mum - his daughter received much of the same (as my sister's children) and orthodontic work, uni fees paid for 6 years - to receive a teaching degree which she does not use as she works in a retail position - etc - Apologies this has been so long and sounds so singularly one sided - I am grateful I have worked hard to provide for myself and my two children - what I don't agree with his how vilified I have been my mum where my two young adult children are concerned - I have been accused of the most horrific behaviour - which is absolutely not true - and denigrated constantly by mum - my close friends and mum's brother and younger sister have said it is jealousy (I have always gotten along really well with my dad - am 7 inches taller than mum - long limbed - curvy but athletic figure and well accomplished in whatever I set out to do - not because of talent but simply hard work on my part. In closing - I have always tried to be dutiful - as a daughter and as a sister - with financial support to my siblings ( in the thousands of pounds when they needed it) and to my nieces and nephews - and also to helping out mum with anything she ever needed - mainly centred on lawsuits against neighbours or whatever ill fell upon her - of HMRC etc - so now I figure I have suffered enough - and to conclude am worried about the toxic spread of information and 'use' of my own children to her own end - I am sorry for the long spiel - any advice to get my head into a clear space would be so welcome

Silence and move on.

She's awful and you can't change her. When you accept those two truths and grieve the relationship you wish you had with her, you can finally be free. Go No Contact and focus on your grieving and healing. It's not you, it's never been you, it's her.

Thanks - I'm really frustrated - it's taking the blame for everything that's every happened put upon me - yet I'm the one - who - when I was 'there' was the rock of my birth family - the one who hosted - and paid - for Xmas, Easter and all family celebrations...it just hurts - and now I am vilified because I'm not there? That said I have live 40% of my adult life away from my mum (dad left a long time ago) and siblings - it seems that no one ever acknowledges my success (however faint that may be - a postgrad and owning two homes and now divorced still ok - ) the hard part is that my ex - is still welcome in my mum's home - even after he has assaulted me (and everyone knowing about it ) his drinking and pot-smoking and general awful behaviour (drinks and smokes marijuana to excess and has also encouraged the youngest to behave in a similar fashion - which thank god the youngest has had second thoughts about - no child maintenance no responsibility for the children whatsoever) in fact he is still regularly received at mum's dinner table??? How does this happen? To a middle class family within which I was brought up in - to go to such (in my view) an extreme?

As I've gotten older, I have tried to gently address some of the things that hurt the most - the 'bicycle' is probably one of the earliest memories I have - my younger brother got the 10 speed bike with all the trimmings - I received the used bicycle from the middle aged lady down the road from us - which was about 15 years old! I only managed to broach the subject about two years ago (in my 50's ow and that was 40 years ago!) and I was laughed at - and send pictures of a bike from Facebook on sale from both mum n brother suggesting I but myself one... it just goes on and on - orthodontic work for my brother, sister and their children from their teens on - and of course you can surmise not one iota of interest let alone expense for me let alone my children - and I am sorry to sound so trite - but well it hurts - still.

@Endlesslaundry123 thank you for your kind words and clarity

Narcissists are everywhere, in every class of people. The more they hurt you the better they feel... It's really sad but the biggest mistake you can make is to keep going back for more when she's clearly shown you who she is.

But please don't take it as a judgement on you -- you deserve to be treated well.

@Endlesslaundry123 not to worry I am taking it 'well' - it is just like I feel like I'm at then endo fo my tether - after 30+ years!? And also worried for my youngest who I see has been manipulated and fed some awful lies - thank goodness he has some critical thinking skills and a bit of confidence to ask for some explanation - and thank goodness heard me out

I'm afraid I agree with pp who said that this is who she is, and you can't change her. Try to think of it as a neutral fact- she can't change herself either, this is what she is and how she will always be. She just doesn't have what you need from her.
Distance is the only answer. Either completely cut her off (But crucially, don't tell her that's what you are doing- the drama will be nectar to her!) or severely limit your contact with her. She will bitch about you, of course, and criticize you to the wider family, but to be honest, isn't she doing that anyway?
My parents are still alive, but both very much like your mother. I simply stopped making the effort (and twisting myself into knots trying to make them like me) and while I'm sure they moan about what a rotten, ungrateful cow I am, I have taught myself not to care.
I have cultivated other relationships, with older people, and that has been a great source of support and comfort, quite apart from the benefits of knowing some really wonderful people. I have a family around me, who love me and support me. It's a shame that none of them are my actual birth family, but it is what it is.

@BigglyBee Thank you - I hear what you are saying - and am blessed with really good friends of 30-40 years who have been a godsend. I guess one of the consequences of being brought up in such a family is that it took me a very long time to learn what constitutes a good relationship is - with oneself as well as others. And whilst I am known by friends and family (aunties and uncles) fro my 'big' heart and generosity - it has taken a toll on me - and also with the guilt and sadness I feel in not being able to provide my children - now grown with a stable family - having married men ( two marriages that only now I realise - had a lot in common with my mum!?!)

I am a year into no contact wity my mother. Best thing I ever did. The peace that it will bring you unexplainable. But I have also received counselling and some holistic healing therapies as well. Your mother, like mine, is a narcissist. They thrive on chaos and discord.

They usually have a golden child (your brother) and a scapegoat child (you). The golden child tends to be the one most like them and the scapegoat the child witg the most empathy. Be happy she didn't choose you. But this has taken me a while to get there.

I agree with PP that this will not change. If you think about it, you became a successful and good person in spite of your mothers behaviour not because of it and that is powerful.

It is sad that she has hurt you so much but she is never going to be able to validate your feelings.

if it helps to vent on here and say the things you want to say to your mother then do that! Or write letters and burn them.

@firstmummy2019 that is terrifying! I always thought my brother was the golden child - or my sister who is the youngest - it is awful because I have seen how much my brother suffered - we were all traumatised in truth - he ran away from home - had some truly awful experiences that left him scarred for life and yet he lives with mum? Out of guilt or out of blame I truly don't know - and to think for this 'golden child' I think there are truly no children in that (my own birth) family who are or were considered 'golden'. It is so tragic - and it makes me so very sad. I truly empathise with what you have said - with it had taken you a while to get there - it is a long and painful road and hell! why would anyone want to get 'there' in the first place? It's just very very sad.

@Intersmellar I'd probably be arrested! I kind of think about all the times I felt like she was 'leeching' off me - accompanying me to my hairdresser's or lastest boutique where I liked to buy clothes to go out clubbing with in exchange of modelling their clothes - it just felt like I always provided an avenue or a path to greater things - people- just stuff - mum came out to see me when I was living in Australia - she decided and announced she would stay for 6 weeks - I was so happy she was coming out - I booked a tour - wineries - spa - all kinds of things - it cost me two months salary - worth - and I was happy to be able to host her - the end of her trip she said it was the 'best holiday she'd ever had' and commissioned custom made earrings from a friend of my husband's and I - whilst I had to 'listen' to my husband complaining that all she'd contributed to our household whilst on her 6 week all expenses paid holiday was buying a chicken at the supermarket for us to roast one evening (earrings were close to 10k)- It's not about the money - it was a very very hard time - I had had 4 miscarriages in the year preceding her visit and had during the whole ordeal just one phone call to me- asking me - if 'I was sure if I had been pregnant' - this after having had two healthy children in the last 8 years?? It just goes on and on and on - sometimes I think I'm going mad!