How to cope with losing a friend

[Lilacs394]

Just this really. My oldest friend has been drifting further away for a couple of years.

She got married a little while ago and is now expecting a baby. We used to spend a lot of time together and have grown up together. Now I rarely see her as she's always busy and if I do try to spend time with her she always invites other people along.

We can't have any 121 time anymore. Maybe that sounds a bit childish but it's how we have been for most of our lives and worked for us for a long time. I accept that she's in a different stage of life than me now (I'm not married but in a LTR, have no children and may not want any ever) but it's still sad.

I know that friendship is a two way thing and it's absolutely up to her if she's outgrown me etc and I can't change that, but has anyone been through something similar? It feels like a real loss and I find it really sad. X

Well either you accept it,

Try again. Either you accept it, or you talk about it. Do you feel able to bring it up? Doesn't have to be a big drama.

Thank you for replying.

I do want to speak to her about it and will try to. I feel it's better in person and I tried to organise something this weekend but she's immediately made it a group thing. It's just hard to raise these things in a group setting. I'll definitely try though.

Can you not just call her?

I hate to say this but if she is expecting a baby and you may not have dc, then I think it’s fairly inevitable that your friendship will dwindle anyway. Her time will be governed by that of her child and she will be welded to nursery and school timetables and although you may try hard to still see each other, if it’s already hard now, then I don’t really see a baby improving matters!

Life is full of different phases for people and friendships tend to run alongside those phases. It’s sad but inevitable I think. And whereas you may be looking at it like she has outgrown you, maybe she is thinking “well my best friend won’t be following me down this path so I had better widen my circle and find fellow travellers”.

Some people change hugely when they partner up and also when they have children. It is understandable they have less time but some do lose themselves to it too much. If their relationship falters and when their children leave home if they have neglected friendships they may regret it. I’m in my fifties and see this effect amongst my peer group to an extent. A friend who became basically Mother Nature was like this. I msg a few times but gave up. She is now divorcing and has got back in touch after ten years! her children are in first year of uni and sixth form.

I think it’s unrealistic to expect the same level of contact but not bothering at all is a bit shit.

Out of interest what are you going to say to your friend BBBBMushroom?

I agree with a lot of what you are saying but sometimes it creeps up on you and isn’t a conscious choice.
My dh used to travel a lot for his work so I was the
person who was at home during the week.
I did meet friends at weekends when I could but that was usually when they were busy.
Between work, childcare, dh travel, It’s not always easy to invest as much in friendships as you would want.