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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend financially unstable

50 replies

Sheree2000 · 05/10/2022 15:54

I’m not sure what to do…me and my boyfriend have been together just over a year we get along so well we have a relationship where we’re like best friends we can be goofy with each other I can show him my weird side etc and we can genuinely talk about anything I love him a lot and he’s great with my 2 year old daughter who also loves him but he’s not financially stable he has a job but isn’t good with money and also has a credit card so constantly has to pay money back to the bank it can be quite frustrating as a lot of the time he has to borrow money from me and I don’t mind as I’m his girlfriend and wanna be here to help but being a young mum on benefits if anything I should be the one borrowing money from him not constantly having to lend him money I guess that’s the only fault is as I have a daughter and want to settle I need a guy who’s financially stable, without seeming like a gold digger, just want someone who can provide…there’s this other guy who I was talking to before my boyfriend but we never managed to meet once me and my boyfriend got together I cut this guy off but every time me and my boyfriend argue and stop talking for a few days I’ll start talking to this other guy again (I cut him off as soon as me and my boyfriend make up)…me and my boyfriend argued recently so I started talking to this guy again but this time I’ve not cut him off since me and my boyfriend made up its hard because although I love my boyfriend this other guy is financially stable, which is the one flaw my boyfriend has, and he’s a serious guy he wants to settle down with me have a family etc and he wants to take me out on dates and pay for the meals etc and I’ve never really had that even with my boyfriend we use to take it in turns at the start to pay for dates but now we barely go out as he has no money and if we do it’s me paying and he’ll say he’ll pay me back also this other guy is ready for children and I’ve been wanting another baby for a while but my boyfriend isn’t ready I don’t wanna give off gold digger vibes because that’s not the case I just understandably need someone who’s stable and can provide especially as I’m not able to treat myself much being a young mum on benefits itd be nice to be with someone who can treat me a bit and make me feel special and I know this other guy would help with things towards my daughter as well he also has his own house. They’re both the same age, 22, but I guess they’re both at two complete different people at different stages in their lives my boyfriends birthday is coming up I don’t have loads of money but he’d like to go to Thorpe park and a hotel after which I’m having to fund and I asked if he could possibly pay for his entrance to Thorpe park as it’ll cost me £200 or more in total which is a lot for someone in my situation and he got offended that I was asking him to pay on his birthday where as this other guys birthday is also coming up and I said I could take him out and he said no and that he dosent want me to pay for anything he’ll pay so hes just a lot more understanding of my situation. I love my boyfriend a lot but it can be unattractive the way he spends his money and is always broke and having to borrow from me.

No judgements please just want advise on what to do/opinions. Thank you!

OP posts:

sammylady37 · 05/10/2022 16:25

Fantastic post by @decayingmatter, says it all. You seriously need to cop on and start putting your daughter ahead of these men.

Hilarymantelspencilsharpener · 05/10/2022 16:25

You (and the men you're involved with) all sound as if you need to grow up. What are YOU doing to ensure you and your daughter have a good, financially stable life? And I don't mean finding a rich man to be involved with.

Iwantcollarbones · 05/10/2022 16:25

You need to work on your relationship with yourself first. You have a child. She didn’t choose the situation that you are putting her in. She needs stability and a parent who has a basic level of self respect. There is absolutely no reason you can not aspire and work towards supporting the both of you.

ShirleyHolmes · 05/10/2022 16:26

I am echoing other posters.

Your daughter is incredibly young and just needs the stability of her mum. I wouldn’t recommend introducing any partner until you’ve been in a steady relationship for at least 6 months and you are sure they are a keeper. So I would be putting any ideas of another baby on the back burner.

I would end things with the current boyfriend due to his irresponsibility with money and more so, his expectations that you should spend your money on him. He is showing you that he is the priority, not your daughter or you.

By all means get to know the other chap but at this early stage take his patter with a pinch of salt. Google love bombing! This is way too early for babies or long term commitments to be considered. If you have a babysitter then meet for some walks or dinner, get to know him gradually but don’t rush. As I said, I wouldn’t introduce him to your daughter for at least 6 months and preferably a year.

As for finances, you have to plan for financial independence. No women should be financially dependent on a man IMO. Too many relationships end and it is your job to provide for your daughter. Even if you met someone solvent, he would have no financial responsibilities to your daughter if you parted. I imagine your daughter will have her free child care hours soon. Consider your experience and qualifications. What are you interested in? Do you need to train or go to college, or could you seek PT work? You would still have UC top ups and help with child care and building a career and financial security takes time.

Good luck!

Ragruggers · 05/10/2022 16:27

Are you thinking of working to put yourself in a better financial position?Benefits are for you and your daughter not to take this boyfriend away to Thorpe Park.If you are able to pay£200 you need to save it for your future.He sounds useless with money and seems to think you need to lend him money.No this is a poor decision.the other person may be just telling you a story,how do you know this is true.I suggest you think about your future without either of them and how you can better yourself and your child.Good luck.

HappyHamsters · 05/10/2022 16:28

Is this real OP?

ParentallyUnprepared · 05/10/2022 16:29

This isn't real, is it?

cantthinkofabetterusername · 05/10/2022 16:34

My advice would be to firstly dump your boyfriend, you don't live him if you're talking to someone else behind his back.

Secondly, if you genuinely want to make things work with the second guy then don't introduce him to your daughter or expect him to provide for her, she's your child not his. You don't know this second guy and I'm very much getting from you all you want him for is his money (that's if he's being honest)

Thirdly, and this is the most important one: get yourself financial stable, don't rely on a man. I know it's hard with a young child but you'd get help towards childcare if you worked. Spend the benefits money on her, that's what it's for

Ihatethenewlook · 05/10/2022 16:56

ParentallyUnprepared · 05/10/2022 16:29

This isn't real, is it?

No chance. Like there’s a hoard of knights in shining armour ready to swoop down and save (or spend all their money on) a single, jobless mum on benefits, with no prospects or ambition 🙄

vodkaredbullgirl · 05/10/2022 17:00

My knight in shinning armour must be riding on a snail lol

MMmomDD · 05/10/2022 17:36

Put your daughter first and stop spending money you get from the government to raise her to fund a useless and lazy man-child.
He borrows from you? Really?
And you are paying for a hotel and amusement park. Seriously - how can you possibly think this is normal.

I don’t know about the other guy - but if he is at least solvent and doesn’t many to sponge off of you - he is clearly an improvement.

I’d be careful as he doesn’t yet really know you in person but is painting you a picture that you want to hear - he’ll provide for you, etc… Bit too much too soon.

You are 22. You clearly made some bad decisions in your life already. Do not make it worse by staying with the boy-man who is so clearly using you. You are a mother now and need to grow up quickly and make better choices.

Bestcatmum · 05/10/2022 18:07

Men who sponge money off single mums are scum bags. Your boyfriend is a scum bag. Why isn't he supporting and treating you. I could never respect a man like that.
Your daughter needs this money not him. Wake up.

sammylady37 · 05/10/2022 18:14

Bestcatmum · 05/10/2022 18:07

People who sponge money off others are scumbags. But why should the boyfriend be supporting her? The op, despite her protests to the contrary, is targeting a man she believes will be a good provider for her and her daughter- ie she wants to sponge off him and is essentially a gold digger. She doesn’t seem to have considered providing for herself and not having more children until she can provide for the one she has as well as any future ones.

bouncydog · 05/10/2022 19:27

Please set your daughter an example. I know plenty of single mums who have pulled up their big girl pants, got out there and built a career for themselves with finding a man to support them not even being on the radar. You really don’t need a man to support you - that’s very much a 1950’s view. Get out there look to better yourself through doing courses online if you don’t have childcare. Nothing in the world feels as good as self-respect and the respect of your children. Successful women attract decent men as they are able to enter into an equal partnership. As for the men you are seeing and considering, they’re only 22 and very immature - one a sponging scumbag and the other telling you what you want to hear who will likely change his views once he’s got you into bed and will move on to his next target!

QuietQuietBang · 05/10/2022 19:49

Bestcatmum · 05/10/2022 18:07

Oh dear, was that supposed to be serious? He’s wrong to “sponge” off her, but it’d be fine if it were the other way round?

Dery · 05/10/2022 20:07

“Please set your daughter an example. I know plenty of single mums who have pulled up their big girl pants, got out there and built a career for themselves with finding a man to support them not even being on the radar. You really don’t need a man to support you - that’s very much a 1950’s view. Get out there look to better yourself through doing courses online if you don’t have childcare. Nothing in the world feels as good as self-respect and the respect of your children. Successful women attract decent men as they are able to enter into an equal partnership. As for the men you are seeing and considering, they’re only 22 and very immature - one a sponging scumbag and the other telling you what you want to hear who will likely change his views once he’s got you into bed and will move on to his next target!”

This. And as a young mum on benefits, you shouldn’t be spending your money on anyone but yourself and your daughter.

Yellowcat29 · 05/10/2022 20:15

I think you should try and provide for yourself and your child without looking for a man to rely on financially. Be able to stand on your own two feet without the need for a man.
And please...learn to use full stops. Your post was quite difficult to read.

FeedMeTiramisu · 05/10/2022 20:21

Trust me when I tell you to get out whilst you can.

As someone who knows, you will be making the biggest mistake of your life by staying with this man and you will regret it.

Concentrate on providing for your daughter. You are still young and when the time is right, someone will come along who will be right for you.

Tangelablue · 05/10/2022 20:21

What does your boyfriend spend his money on? I'm always wary of people who are always skint and have nothing to show for it. I would break up with him before his birthday and Christmas to save yourself some money.
Is your daughter's dad in the picture? Does he financially contribute towards his child?

user1471457751 · 05/10/2022 20:23

You are treating both men like shit. Cheating on your boyfriend and stringing this other bloke alone. It's also a bit rich to be complaining about your boyfriend's financial instability when you are dependent on benefits, you're not exactly miss independent.

End it with both guys and start focusing on providing for your daughter.

Lbnc2021 · 05/10/2022 20:26

Sheree2000 · 05/10/2022 16:01

Put my daughter first? So you want me to stay single? What kind of advice is that I’m not looking for advice regarding my daughter this is relationship advice

Yes. Yes that’s exactly what you do, you put your daughter first. What a stupid question.

Darbs76 · 05/10/2022 20:29

If you’re not happy with your current BF then end things. But I wouldn’t be planning children with other men at this point. Why do you need something to provide for you? Yes contribute but that means you working too. This is 2022 after all

QuietQuietBang · 05/10/2022 20:29

FeedMeTiramisu · 05/10/2022 20:21

Trust me when I tell you to get out whilst you can.

As someone who knows, you will be making the biggest mistake of your life by staying with this man and you will regret it.

Concentrate on providing for your daughter. You are still young and when the time is right, someone will come along who will be right for you.

I think that this would be good advice for all three adults that the OP mentions. She needs to stand in her own feet and the two men need to run, not walk, from a young single mother who seems to want to just use them for their income.

Her poor daughter.

wellhelloitsme · 05/10/2022 21:28

You're offering to pay for a meal out for a man you've never met... and planning to spend £200 on a treat for the man you're seeing who hasn't got any money and is happy to let you lend him money despite you being a single parent on benefits?

Time to put your child first and stop spending money on men, whether ones using you for money or ones you've never met.

There's no shame being single for a while.

You'll have more money for your daughter, who actually needs you and deserves for you to be as financially secure as possible for her sake.

billy1966 · 05/10/2022 22:51

GrazingSheep · 05/10/2022 15:56

I think you need to grow up and put your daughter first.

Absolutely this.

Poor child.

Spend your money on your daughter and not on your love of a waster boyfriend.

You decided to have a child.
You now need to put her first.

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