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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was this coercive control?

13 replies

Lightpetal · 05/10/2022 15:18

Wrote a post on here about a month ago...still finding it hard to come to terms with what has happened. I feel utterly broken, violated, humiliated, scared for the future. At times (during the nights) I think to myself - 'what's the point, anymore?'.

I'm trying to piece together exactly what has happened to me, whether it was just a bad/shitty relationship or was it more coercive in nature? My ex partner (I'm 99.9% sure stalked and hacked my phone and laptop for 2.5 years since he moved in). Everybody told me on here and on another forum that it was him, but I wasn't convinced because 'how could somebody do that to someone they love, right?'.

Anyway, I was out one night with dd and he rings and rings and I was busy so I quickly glanced at my phone. Then when I looked again there was a message that had been deleted. He tells me he is receiving messages to his phone from conversations I had had from previous partners again. He makes me feel like shit for it. The next day he tells me he is going to go into the phone shop and the police to sort it out. It was me who mentioned the police, and then he frantically tried to call and said he would sort it. What he doesn't know is that I rang the phone shop and police and they told me that the crime and reference numbers that he gave me were not valid, and the phone shop told me that they wouldn't do half the stuff my ex said they did. My ex told me they found more images of me on his phone in secret files and told me not to use my SIM card again or anything like that. He also told me it was really embarrassing for him and all this.

When my ex would receive any images of me, or private conversations I had had with other people he would hit the roof, and I mean HIT the roof. It got so bad, he threatened me, took away my personal possessions, smashed up my things and made me feel trapped and scared. Before he did all that though he would give me the silent, moody treatment for a couple of days and I would be walking on eggshells. I was always walking on eggshells. He always made me feel like I couldn't have time for myself, or would make me feel guilty for having time to myself, i.e. - getting my nails or hair done. He would always say that 'family time' was the most important thing so if it's not spent as a family then it's pointless. He would get very upset if our schedules didn't sync up and upset and moody if I went and did something that was different to him.

He would also threaten to out me to to my family and people on Facebook every time I tried to call it off (I used to do online cam stuff - nothing explicit - think erotic hypnosis) and he would always use that against me. I now live in constant fear. I cannot sleep at night. I am very scared that strange things are happening to my mind.

I am just broken and my thoughts at nights go very dark...:( I don't know who I am anymore and he's made me feel like I can't do anything without him. I know this is BS, but I just want these horrible feelings to stop.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 15:49

It was abusive. Labelling it further isn't necessary.

Have a look round the room and circumstances you're in right now. Warm? Dry? Fed? And yet you're in hell. Where is the problem? Whereabouts in the room you are in is the problem.

Lightpetal · 05/10/2022 16:05

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 15:49

It was abusive. Labelling it further isn't necessary.

Have a look round the room and circumstances you're in right now. Warm? Dry? Fed? And yet you're in hell. Where is the problem? Whereabouts in the room you are in is the problem.

Bloody hell. Talk about kicking a dog when it's down.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 16:07

No, I wasn't. I asked you a question, in order to empower you. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

anya172 · 05/10/2022 16:13

Yes this is clearly abusive, but I don't know all the definitions well enough to label it further.
I am happy for you that he is an ex, but clearly he left you in a very dark place mentally. Do you have any friends that you can talk to? Or if your thoughts are very dark maybe see your GP.
Getting back up will probably take time, but don't forget you are not as small as he made you feel, and you will get there x

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/10/2022 16:16

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 15:49

It was abusive. Labelling it further isn't necessary.

Have a look round the room and circumstances you're in right now. Warm? Dry? Fed? And yet you're in hell. Where is the problem? Whereabouts in the room you are in is the problem.

Wtf?

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 17:28

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/10/2022 16:16

Wtf?

How rude. Did you mean to say that you didn't understand what I said? Or that your interpretation was negative? Or that you wanted me to elaborate?

I don't get what you're asking. Or 'Idgwya', in your language.

Dery · 05/10/2022 20:20

@Lightpetal - @Watchkeys‘ advice is usually very sound. I don’t think she meant it as kicking you.

It sounds like you are deeply, deeply traumatised. That’s not surprising. Your ex was waging psychological warfare against you. That must have been terrifying. And it was being done to you by the person who should be there to care for you and protect you. And it was done to you in your home which should be your sanctuary. Domestic abuse is a crime - and you were living at the crime scene with the perpetrator. You’ve been living in a heightened state of stress and terror for years with someone who no doubt veered between treating you well and terrorising you (which is what abusers do).

It’s going to take you some time to recover after what you’ve been through and it would probably help to have some therapy with someone experienced in helping victims of domestic violence. Are you able to access such therapy? What support do you have in real life?

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 20:22

Thank you @Dery, that was kind of you to say.

YoSofi · 05/10/2022 20:58

I agree that @Watchkeys gives excellent advice on abusive relationships, if I’m not mistaken was also in an abusive relationship.

The question would have been to get you to see that you’re not the problem.

Lightpetal · 05/10/2022 21:20

I didn't really understand what @Watchkeys was getting at to be honest. I thought what they were saying was because I am warm, fed, dry etc - I didn't have an issue. Sorry if that's now how it was meant to be - I can't really think straight atm.

@Dery - I think perhaps I am suffering from some kind of trauma... I am frightened and scared someone is coming to get me (I know that may sound daft). I am very on edge. I can't sleep. I can't focus. I don't have much support, but I am moving soon and then going to seek some therapy. Why is this shit so hard to deal with? I swear I was a very strong person at one time in my life.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 21:32

No, I was clumsily trying to get you to see that you're ok. Your needs are all met. There's nothing you need to fix right now. Nothing is hurting you. You're not being violated, the future isn't coming on any faster than a minute at a time.

You're ok. You're convincing yourself that you're not ok, but you are. You're living, breathing, getting through the minutes, hours, and days, and that's all you have to do. You won't always be in the same frame of mind.

category12 · 05/10/2022 21:32

You may have some form of PTSD.

You ARE strong because you're here, you left and you have plans to help yourself. Give yourself time, just concentrate on getting through each day as it comes and maybe reach out to Women's Aid or similar to chat things through when you need to.

rmummyofone · 20/10/2022 19:46

I've come out of a coercive controlling relationship. I can't label yours with anything as I'm not aware of the FULL picture, you are clearly shaken up by the relationship and like you, I wasn't aware while in it that it was abuse. I was hoping for change so didn't tell anyone, and he would also make threats to out me.

Please PLEASE report this to the police domestic abuse IS a crime, doesn't matter if you lack evidence. What matters is he's taken in and questioned, even that may not shake him up, hopefully it's on his record he was called in for an allegation for it.

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