Snooping

[KingOfWishfulThinkin]

Woke up this morning and realised my DP had been snooping through my phone. He'd opened a few snapchats I'd received (nothing sinister, regular friendly snaps of people days etc), he has my password and I often ask him to check my messages etc. No trust issues I was aware of and I'm genuinely not cheating/talking to people in that way etc, nothing yo 'find'.

I've lost it. Am I being too harsh or am I right to be absolutely fuming? He admitted it. Very new relationship, 7ish months.

That's a no from me.

Get rid.

What was his email explanation for it? I can understand snooping if you have reason to believe your partner is cheating, but snooping for no reason gives me controlling vibes.

@Mythril we share a hobby that is male orientated and therefore when a female is involved, they get a lot of attention. Because of this I have around 4000 Facebook friends and similar Instagram followers, and they're predominantly male. When I post anything, be it pictures of myself or pictures regarding the hobby, I get a lot of attention. He struggles with this and we've spoken about it a lot, I've said he just needs to tell me if he's struggling and I'm happy to reassure him. He says he doesn't know why he was looking as he 'knew he wouldn't find anything'. Doesn't add up to me. Says he trusts me but this clearly shows that he doesn't.

If this is him at 7 months, what will he be like after a few years, my bets are on him pressurising you to leave that hobby as it makes him feel insecure....
That would be a red flag for me

Well, he's demonstrated quite clearly what he thinks of you, hasn't he!

I've said he just needs to tell me if he's struggling and I'm happy to reassure him

Noooooooo don't do this! All you're doing there is letting him externalise his own issue. It doesn't help him, or you, and it allows it to continue being an issue, because he knows he can get reassurance from you rather than manage his own disproportionate anxiety/worry/whatever.

I agree with other posters, I think you're getting a handy heads-up here.

@Raveon2000 my thoughts exactly.

@Rogue1001MNer yes, unfortunately it's one of those hobbies where any females involved are perceived as a bit loose, I'm very much not the same, and I assumed he knew this but clearly not.

@NightmareSlashDelightful I never really saw it like that. I thought I was just offering to help any concerns he has. Better to find out sooner than later though eh.

If you were decades in, kids and a mortgage and you suddenly started working late or hiding your phone - maybe.

7 months in and you already are managing his insecurities for him and he's looking at your phone - nah.

The last person I saw doing this turned out to be jealous and violent. You have been warned. Make your excuses and get the heck out of there!

I predict before too long he will suggest if he means that much to you then quitting your hobby isn't an unreasonable request...

Get a password on your phone, keep it to yourself and tell him to leave your property alone.

He struggles with this and we've spoken about it a lot, I've said he just needs to tell me if he's struggling and I'm happy to reassure him

Why are you happy to do this?! He displays an unhealthy relationship response, and you reassure him? Why?

So what happens now? If you put a passcode on your phone to preserve your privacy, he’ll end up even more suspicious and if you don’t, you’ll wonder if he’s secretly looking at your phone!
On the face of it, it’s not the relationship crime of the century, but it could be a red flag for controlling/possessive/jealous behaviour. None of which you need in your life!

🙅🏽‍♀️

BANNED FOR LIFE

🧟‍♂️

Yea, I'd put a pass code on my phone, well, I always have one anyway. A phone is like a diary - not for others viewing without consent. If he acts like that's more suspicious, tough, he's given you a valid reason.

I dozed off on the sofa one night and woke with a bit of a start. My now ex was scrolling through my phone and when I asked what he was doing, he apologised and said he didn't realise it was my phone and not his. The lie was very unconvincing.
Move forward a few years and I found he had installed Cisco Meraki on my laptop to monitor everything I was doing on it. This time the excuse was that the program was part of the firewall. More lies.
As the years went on it got worse until I found he had access to all my passwords, his response being was that it was my fault for getting my private Google account to save them.
There's another thread in here with someone being spied on by her ex and I can tell you, there is definitely a beginning to this kind of hell and you really need to break away asap before he gaslights you into severe mental health problems.

“yes, unfortunately it's one of those hobbies where any females involved are perceived as a bit loose, I'm very much not the same, and I assumed he knew this but clearly not.”

Not the point of your thread (and not blaming you for other people’s attitudes, OP) but what the hell? I didn’t realise any hobbies were off limits to women otherwise they were regarded as loose. That sounds pretty misogynistic to me.

I was also wondering what on earth the hobby could be...!