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Original poster

Talking about feelings

26 replies

pinkpanel · 05/10/2022 14:30

Been with my gf coming up for a year and she literally never talks about how she feels about me. I've said a few times how much I like her, how happy I am, how well I feel it's going, and she gets so awkward and doesn't respond.

I don't even mean that I've told her I love her (I probably do love tbh but given her response to the other chats I don't feel I can go there). Are my expectations too high/is it too soon or is it not normal to have this mental block around it?

We've met each other's close friends and family, been abroad for a week, see each other when we're free.

At first I thought she was maybe less comfortable expressing it than I was but I got quite upset about it at the weekend, told her I felt my feelings were one sided. She didn't confirm or deny and is now acting like the conversation never happened?
If she knows I'm upset about it and is still choosing not to tell me it's not one sided, does that mean it is?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 14:37

Are my expectations too high/is it too soon or is it not normal to have this mental block around it

Which authority do you think gets to decide where your expectations should be?

Original poster
pinkpanel · 05/10/2022 14:41

I probably didn't word it very well, sorry. I know I decide my own feelings etc

I just wondered if most people on relationships would be expressing feelings by this point.

Her actions say one thing but she can't even tell me she is happy to be with me. I don't know if she doesn't feel it or doesn't want to express it? And why wouldn't she be comfortable saying anything

I've heard of the term emotionally unavailable, but she does act like she cares so I don't think it's that.

But then seeing me upset and not reassuring me isn't really the sign of someone that cares?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 14:44

I just wondered if most people on relationships would be expressing feelings by this point

Why?

Original poster
pinkpanel · 05/10/2022 14:44

Because if wondering if I'm being full on or normal...

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2022 14:49

You and this woman have serious issues with communication, and her seeming inability to discuss how she's feeling may very well be a deal breaker. If you can't communicate effectively, it's already over.

Original poster
pinkpanel · 05/10/2022 14:51

I think so too @Aquamarine1029 just a bit gutted

OP posts:
PaperPalace · 05/10/2022 14:55

It sounds to me like she does like you but is just very bad at expressing her feelings. Surely she wouldn't meet your family or spend her free time with you for a year if she didn't like you?

If everything is good apart from this, ask her if she would consider counselling. Helping couples to communicate better is a counsellor's bread and butter.

Original poster
pinkpanel · 05/10/2022 15:00

This is what I don't understand @PaperPalace
I'm left feeling like I'm being too OTT but hardly like I'm declaring my undying love for her.
If she's happy to spend lots of time together and meet family why would she be uncomfortable telling me she likes me and is happy in the relationship?

Not sure she'd go for counselling but I'll suggest it when I see her at the weekend. I'm close to ending it anyway so can't do much harm to suggest it

OP posts:
Undecidedandtorn · 05/10/2022 15:06

I'm not in the same position but I was interested in someone for a couple of years who would twist everything I would say. So when I did meet someone else who expressed himself like you do I found it really hard to say similar things back as I'd had that earlier difficult experience.

I wonder if she has something similar- either a relationship or even further back with her parents?

Original poster
pinkpanel · 05/10/2022 15:12

I wonder if it could be something like that @Undecidedandtorn

She's close to both parents (I've met them) and she seemed to have a happy childhood as far as I can tell. I know the bare minimum about her previous relationships and when I ask I'm made to feel like I'm being nosey

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkpanel · 05/10/2022 15:13

I actually got the impression that meeting her parents was a really big deal

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 15:31

pinkpanel · 05/10/2022 14:44

Because if wondering if I'm being full on or normal...

You're being normal for you. Your responsibility to yourself isn't to be 'as normal as possible', is it?

It's to do things that make you as happy as possible, surely?

easylikeasundaymorning · 05/10/2022 15:37

pinkpanel I could have written this but about my boyfriend. We've been together 7 months so not as long as you and similar situation - met family, friends (but not each other's kids) and been away. All his actions say he likes me a lot but yes nothing verbal here either!

I'm not even particularly emotional myself but it's put me on edge. We're both divorced which definitely has an affect I think on how guarded you are with emotions but I suppose the question I want to ask him is 'is this who you are' or 'is it who you are with me' but it's scary thinking of what the answer could be to that so put it off.

I'm not great at communication either so struggle to bring it up as my greatest fear is to appear needy so currently suffering in silence.
Unhealthy I know and I can't advice just wanted you to know I understand your situation.

ImpartialMongoose · 05/10/2022 15:41

Your expectations are perfectly reasonable. There seems to be no reciprocity. After a year, you should know where you stand with your girlfriend but it seems she is unwilling to share how she feels about you, with you. This can only lead you to feel doubtful and uncertain that you are on the same page. Have you asked her directly "How do you feel about me and our relationship? Do you love me?"

Original poster
pinkpanel · 05/10/2022 15:47

easylikeasundaymorning · 05/10/2022 15:37

pinkpanel I could have written this but about my boyfriend. We've been together 7 months so not as long as you and similar situation - met family, friends (but not each other's kids) and been away. All his actions say he likes me a lot but yes nothing verbal here either!

I'm not even particularly emotional myself but it's put me on edge. We're both divorced which definitely has an affect I think on how guarded you are with emotions but I suppose the question I want to ask him is 'is this who you are' or 'is it who you are with me' but it's scary thinking of what the answer could be to that so put it off.

I'm not great at communication either so struggle to bring it up as my greatest fear is to appear needy so currently suffering in silence.
Unhealthy I know and I can't advice just wanted you to know I understand your situation.

It's so hard eh? This was where I was a couple of months ago then took the brave step of telling her i liked her and was starting to get more intense feelings. It's like tumbleweed.....

I really regret telling her but i said that the fact i said and she hasn't reciprocated has made me feel really needy and insecure. The fact that even after I said that, she still didn't say it, that it's a lost cause.

I'm now worse of cos I've told her how of feel, told her I'm upset that she doesn't say the same and yet she still doesn't say it but continues to act like she does.

I don't know where to go next. It's really knocking my self confidence but I don't know if it's the way she is, or if she genuinely doesn't feel the same about me.

I now feel like I've put pressure on her but at the same time I don't want to be wasting me time if she doesn't even know how she feels about me

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkpanel · 05/10/2022 15:48

ImpartialMongoose · 05/10/2022 15:41

Your expectations are perfectly reasonable. There seems to be no reciprocity. After a year, you should know where you stand with your girlfriend but it seems she is unwilling to share how she feels about you, with you. This can only lead you to feel doubtful and uncertain that you are on the same page. Have you asked her directly "How do you feel about me and our relationship? Do you love me?"

I've told her how I feel and she knows I'm upset she didn't reciprocate and tell me how she feels

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 15:55

the fact i said and she hasn't reciprocated has made me feel really needy and insecure

I think it might be worth recognising that even if she has all the feelings you wish she had, the way she communicates is distressing you. This isn't about the feelings. It's a communication failure. It's not that she necessarily feels the wrong thing, it's that you don't know how she feels, and that's because of her style of communication.

You have an anxious attachment style. You can make life easier by working on developing a more secure style, but unfortunately for this relationship, what that involves is learning to walk away from people who don't or can't give you what you need.

www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/anxious-attachment-style#:~:text=Anxious%20attachment%20is%20a%20type,being%20separated%20from%20their%20partner.

easylikeasundaymorning · 05/10/2022 16:23

I think Watchkeys is right in that the issue lies in her (lack of) communication rather than her actual issue of liking/not liking you.

Interestingly though I've done a fair bit of reading about attachment styles and strangely I feel I have a secure attachment style in all other relationships of my life so my children, family and friends and score that way when I've done online questionnaires relating to it. However I absolutely do have an anxious attachment style in relationships and it takes a lot of exhausting mental work to not give in to the behaviours that come about from having that.

I keep telling myself that actions speak louder than words but as right as I think that premise is I've found that actually I do need a few words along the way as well!

Original poster
pinkpanel · 05/10/2022 16:27

Thanks @Watchkeys it's interesting. I'd say exactly the same as @easylikeasundaymorning in that I don't feel insecure in any other area of my life.
I just wondering there's anyway back from this.

I think @easylikeasundaymorning hit the nail on the head. I want to know if she is like this in relationships in general or if this is just how she is with me.

Part of me wants to have one final chat to her about it all at the weekend, the other part knows she's already defensive and feeling pressure

I wonder if she thinks this is full on after almost a year together or if she knows she isn't great at expressing feelings?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 16:51

@easylikeasundaymorning

Attachment styles are usually mostly exhibited in our primary adult relationship. That's the one that mimics 'being parented' to us the most.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2022 17:00

Wanting clarity in your relationship after being together for a year doesn't mean you have an anxious attachment style. Most people in a relationship for that length of time want to know where they stand.

Original poster
pinkpanel · 05/10/2022 17:12

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2022 17:00

Wanting clarity in your relationship after being together for a year doesn't mean you have an anxious attachment style. Most people in a relationship for that length of time want to know where they stand.

I do feel anxious about it now but only because I put myself out there and it wasn't reciprocated so

Wish I hadn't said anything at all. She's now said it should be obvious how she feels and I feel like I've ruined it all

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 17:19

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2022 17:00

Wanting clarity in your relationship after being together for a year doesn't mean you have an anxious attachment style. Most people in a relationship for that length of time want to know where they stand.

No, it doesn't. But worrying and wondering about your partner's motivations rather than telling them what you need and asking them if they're interested in giving it to you, does.

People with a secure attachment style would have done this long before now. OP has been worrying and wondering for some time, and is now kicking herself because her partner hasn't given her what she needs.

This is definitely an anxious attachment style. But no, wanting clarity after a year doesn't signify that style, on its own, you're right.

DatingDinosaur · 05/10/2022 17:24

I find it difficult to verbalise my feelings. Somehow makes me feel vulnerable, but that's my issue to address, not someone else's to fix.

It would make me feel really uncomfortable if I was "backed into a corner" and put on the spot to tell someone how I felt in a reciprocal I-told-you-now-you-tell-me sort of way.

My actions and expressions generally speak louder than words.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 05/10/2022 17:27

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2022 14:49

You and this woman have serious issues with communication, and her seeming inability to discuss how she's feeling may very well be a deal breaker. If you can't communicate effectively, it's already over.

I agree with this. I am on your side with this but it's clear that others here are similar to your partner. It will be far better for your mental health if you find someone who matches your own communication style. There is nothing more humiliating and anxiety making than wondering whether someone likes you and asking them, only to hear the sound of silence.