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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband says he is broken - what do I do ?

14 replies

fakecakesmum · 05/10/2022 10:56

He told me today but says he doesn't know why. I have suggested a few things to him for the reasoning, he says he doesn't know what it is/why but he has felt like this for around 9 months now. He said it's more than depression (which he has had before). He refuses to see a DR, unfortunately talking about things is not his forte.

How do I help him ?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 11:03

Tell him you're there for him. And that he needs to tell you what he needs from you. He's not a puzzle for you to figure out. Nobody can know what he needs unless he communicates it.

Redundantmum22 · 05/10/2022 11:06

I'm so sorry @fakecakesmum

Just tell him you're there for him and you love him unconditionally.

Hope you're both OK. I had similar last year with my DH x

fakecakesmum · 05/10/2022 11:09

@Redundantmum22 so sorry to hear that. Hope you & your DH are both doing OK. can I ask how you supported him ?

OP posts:
Redundantmum22 · 05/10/2022 12:18

Much better now :)

Some gentle nudging towards self referral for CBT. But very gentle. I wasn't pushy or anything.

We frequently put devices down and stopped what we were doing to talk about worries together. To see if they could be fixed (they could all be fixed)

I noticed he hadn't done his hobby for a while (running!) so I bought him a new fitness watch to encourage him. It helped a lot! (I had to work overtime to afford it but allowing him to focus on a hobby was a turning point)

We made goals. Small and medium goals that we could achieve together and this also helped his outlook.

I spent money on an acupressure mat which has numerous benefits but also very relaxing and we started eating slightly healthier. (Self love I guess)

We took up walking! And found secret places, rivers and even a nature reserve near our home that aren't accessible by car.

He spoke to his managers about his feeling. Low mood is very common since Covid and his workplace have been really supportive.

As much time in sunshine as possible.

Reminding him that he's loved unconditionally and he has all the support he could ever need xx

Most importantly, patience!

WhileAFoxIsWatching · 05/10/2022 13:13

Redundantmum22 · 05/10/2022 12:18

Much better now :)

Some gentle nudging towards self referral for CBT. But very gentle. I wasn't pushy or anything.

We frequently put devices down and stopped what we were doing to talk about worries together. To see if they could be fixed (they could all be fixed)

I noticed he hadn't done his hobby for a while (running!) so I bought him a new fitness watch to encourage him. It helped a lot! (I had to work overtime to afford it but allowing him to focus on a hobby was a turning point)

We made goals. Small and medium goals that we could achieve together and this also helped his outlook.

I spent money on an acupressure mat which has numerous benefits but also very relaxing and we started eating slightly healthier. (Self love I guess)

We took up walking! And found secret places, rivers and even a nature reserve near our home that aren't accessible by car.

He spoke to his managers about his feeling. Low mood is very common since Covid and his workplace have been really supportive.

As much time in sunshine as possible.

Reminding him that he's loved unconditionally and he has all the support he could ever need xx

Most importantly, patience!

Low mood has been common since Covid... did they say they had found that among their workers?
I must say I'm finding that in my own life

Redundantmum22 · 05/10/2022 13:22

@WhileAFoxIsWatching I'm not sure on the how's or the whys. But they're finding it such an issue that his workplace and mine too (completely different industries) that both have enlisted free counselling if required and a mental health and wellbeing fund of £500 to spend on treatment or things to help you feel better. That's for all employees.

I think WFH affected many people. Especially as it caused loneliness and sometimes a breakdown in teams & colleague friendships..

I wonder if more people suffer from SAD now as we link it with lockdowns and the rise of Covid from previous years.

And also many people reflected on their own lives and realised that perhaps life was too short for stressful jobs.

I'm definitely no expert. I wish I had all the answers. X 🫂

Abouttimemum · 05/10/2022 13:27

I had this recently with DH but he has been through similar before, he called the doctor and his anxiety medication was increased, he started up again on a hobby he enjoys, in the evening (still at home though) and he reduced his drinking. He’s feeling much better in himself.

We talk a lot and I ask him every day how he’s feeling. His stems from childhood trauma so he’s been researching therapies, he has tried some before which have not worked. His job doesn’t help and I encouraged him to take time off but he refused!

LimeGreenTumbler · 05/10/2022 13:28

You're just there for him. Tell him you love him and you're there if he needs to talk, and ask him what you can do to help.

Above all, make sure you're keeping yourself well mentally and emotionally, remember that you can't actually fix things for him, he has to do it himself, your role is to support him but also not get dragged down into it alongside him.

Abouttimemum · 05/10/2022 13:30

@Redundantmum22 can I ask about your acupressure mat? We both have back and neck issues and looking for something to help.

I’ll add to mine that we also started eating healthier which has made a difference to us both.

Kissingfrogs25 · 05/10/2022 15:07

Redundantmum22 · 05/10/2022 12:18

Much better now :)

Some gentle nudging towards self referral for CBT. But very gentle. I wasn't pushy or anything.

We frequently put devices down and stopped what we were doing to talk about worries together. To see if they could be fixed (they could all be fixed)

I noticed he hadn't done his hobby for a while (running!) so I bought him a new fitness watch to encourage him. It helped a lot! (I had to work overtime to afford it but allowing him to focus on a hobby was a turning point)

We made goals. Small and medium goals that we could achieve together and this also helped his outlook.

I spent money on an acupressure mat which has numerous benefits but also very relaxing and we started eating slightly healthier. (Self love I guess)

We took up walking! And found secret places, rivers and even a nature reserve near our home that aren't accessible by car.

He spoke to his managers about his feeling. Low mood is very common since Covid and his workplace have been really supportive.

As much time in sunshine as possible.

Reminding him that he's loved unconditionally and he has all the support he could ever need xx

Most importantly, patience!

You sound amazing redundantmum22 We all need a you in our lives! Some fabulous ideas you have posted (many I am going to try!) Thank you for posting

Thruandthru1 · 05/10/2022 15:10

Broken feeling sounds trauma related. Can he pay to bypass gp and call some counsellors to chat to one to unpick things.

Redundantmum22 · 05/10/2022 18:35

Omg why did that make me teary? Thank you so much @Kissingfrogs25 what a beautiful thing to say xx

@Abouttimemum of course! The acupressure mat is similar to acupuncture. I have back and neck pain and it's absolutely incredible. It comes with a pillow which is ideal for the upper back and neck area. If you have long hair pull it out of the way for a better result.

Granted it takes time to get used to such a thing (it's a bit weird to begin with) so I started with 3 mins, then 5 and increased until I managed 20 mins.

I have this one yoga Acupressure mat and Pillow/Acupuncture mat/Massage mat for Wellness, Relaxation and Tension Release amzn.eu/d/6s9KBRv Amazon Acupressure Mat

Redundantmum22 · 05/10/2022 18:36

Oh my gosh I really messed up that link...

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07K1G2J96/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_AQ4VMCBD9RC6SF8066FM_0 here we go!

Abouttimemum · 05/10/2022 20:10

Redundantmum22 · 05/10/2022 18:36

Oh my gosh I really messed up that link...

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07K1G2J96/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_AQ4VMCBD9RC6SF8066FM_0 here we go!

Magnificent thank you so much! Defo getting one of those

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