Jealous of Pregnancy - im single

[autumnleaves222]

Yet another pregnancy announcement on facebook tonight. It hurts how many people are having/have already had kids. (early 30s) It was always my dream to have a family. But im single, and no where near at the place of opportunity to have them. I have old'ed for a few years, but it feels like a waste of time as nothing ever comes from it.

I sometimes see threads about pregnancy jealousy here, but its usually from someone ttc or those who have had losses. I don't even have the opportunity to ttc. :( Not only that, its awkward with dating as although I don't make it obvious that i'd like kids in the next couple of years, it is something that needs to be mentioned for me to clarify if im wasting my time or not with someone, I guess it makes me feel pressured when im dating.

Please dont advice me to go it alone or adopt. I want my own children. It feels like the hope is slipping away and i'll just be a jealous bitter lonely woman.

I completely appreciate how you feel and the pregnancy jealousy as when you desperately want a child and it isn't happening for any reason, it's devastating. I'm a year in and gutted every month. I appreciate I'm lucky to be TTC but just wanted to offer some solidarity.

I'm sure other posters will be along shortly with some advice. Just wanted to touch on something as it happens often and I don't think people realise how it comes across.

Please dont advice me to go it alone or adopt. I want my own children.

I agree it annoys me so much when people say 'just adopt' as adopted children aren't just second best or back up plans. I am adopted. But I am as much my parents 'own' child as I would be if biologically related. The perception of adopted children being lesser thans is really tough for kids so referring to wanting biological children rather than 'my own' is so appreciated by us.

Sorry to be a pain saying that it's just important to adopted kids and adoptive parents.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so low and hope someone will come along with some more useful advice and personal experience for you

Going it alone IS having your own child/children? They will have 50% of your genetics.

This.

But if OLD isn't working for you, you need to try something else. Different environment, different activities, maybe new sport etc. Shake things up a bit.

I think you should talk to some parents! Life for most of us is all about doing everything for your children and sometimes all that sacrifice feels devastating. You think you’re devastated now - no partner no kids - hmm.

Imagine being 45 with two very grown up sons wondering whether you even have been a good parent. Imagine wondering whether you even matter in their lives! Marriage having children is no fairy tale.

I think social media has a lot to answer for - would we even know what’s happening IF we didn’t have this constant sharing of everyone’s wonderful
journeys.

I’m going to tell you there is no such thing as a picture perfect life. The private people as well as the Social media addicts are are living their lives and like everyone there are highs and lows - you can’t know true happiness unless you’ve drowned in the pits of sadness. People choose to share their wonderful lives - why ???? When you limit your sharing you protect your privacy and live silently - your mental health is much better and boasting about your home, family, holidays, weight loss pregnancy will always bring negative energy into your life.

We don’t know what’s behind that smile - or that stunning capture of someone.
Someone shared a photo of me at a family wedding - I’d lost a significant amount of weight and was dressed in nice gown - the endless comments about how youthful and stunning I looked after two children - were overwhelming and no one knows that day what actually happened to me. That behind my smile
I was anxious and scared I felt I looked awful and wearing that dress led to a violent altercation later with a person I trusted.

Living your reality is going to bring you ups and downs and there will always be someone, somewhere who wants your life situation.

Reframe your perspective and stop wasting your life thinking by the media’s projection that happy life equals partner marriage and babies. There are other versions of happiness and it’s possible to choose those.

In my dream life - I didn’t marry at 24 and at 45 I’m single and not living in the UK I’m travelling - my time belongs to me and I have no responsibility to any child or partner. My income belongs to me and I’m living a fabulous modest life in a New York loft working a small job that affords me my own space and a little travel. It’s a little dream BUT I know it’s the reality I wanted to live.

So the next time you see me standing next to two sons who tower over me - don’t think I’m happy and how wonderful I’ve gotten this far - because I’m standing there thinking I’m the worst parent and that I’ve messed up their lives because in the end my best wasn’t good enough. I look at them and feel like a failure because at 25 I was frightened of being their mother at 35 I was lonely and trapped and I know whilst I was physically there - mentally I didn’t give them the stability they needed. I was a broken person to begin with! At 45 I pray that I can forgive myself and leave them with some good memories. Despite my failures I love them but that doesn’t mean they love me back - you see their plugged into a virtual world and they don’t know how to value the love of a mother who struggles to this day to do her best. I can’t give them a car I can’t give them a house I can’t fulfil their material needs and they don’t have the emotional intelligence to just be in the moment and appreciate their health and our time together.

You see your happiness and you’re peace and calm depends on you and if you can block out the society and family expectations upon you - only then can you
really find your happiness. This is your life this is your time this is your chance. Plan a trip - go visit someone who moved abroad - go do that pottery wheel thing - joint a sports club - it doesn’t have to be a huge thing. Just do something fun something that just belongs to you.

Fun things I did - tried archery - I’m rubbish
I had an ice skating lesson - aged 40 -
I fell but I got up and it wasn’t a complete disaster.

I’m going to book a climbing wall one day.
I’m saving up for a master cookery class

In the mean time - I need to get up and get back to walking 10 K a day
because that time alone was the best therapy I could deliver to myself.
I made it comfortable with nice trainers and on the days that it was cold
I had a mocha coffee. I need to get back to this!

I hope my ramblings give you hope and positive energy - because you
are amazing - when you fake it to begin with and get into a routine
of taking care of yourself - eventually you do start to believe in yourself
and value yourself. Value yourself we are all making a positive ripple
in the world somewhere. Your nervous smile - could be the saviour
for some like me walking and worrying. The smiles of many strangers have saved me!

Lots of love and light to all.

Is it just children you want, or the full package with a marriage, etc?

If the former, there is no shame in 'going it alone' - it's becoming more popular for women to seek out seek out sperm donors and do it by themselves.

You also still have time to meet someone if its the latter

therumpus.net/2010/09/16/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-51/

This might help you think things through. I went for it alone - best decision I ever made. It took a few years to get there though, including a period of grief to accept Prince Charming wasn't coming. You still have some time, so give yourself the space to consider what path is most likely to make you happy.

I'm a solo/single mother by choice (I have a donor conceived child).

I'm not sure what you mean by wanting your (future) children to be your "own"?? Whether you have them solo or with someone, they will be your "own", and if through adoption, they will be legally your "own" too.

Nobody knows whether you have time or not. We can speculate that you do, but we can't guarantee that. We also can't guarantee that you will or won't meet someone to settle down with, and even if you do, nobody can guarantee that it will work out forever.

It depends how desperate you are to be a parent: are you willing to wait for a partner (and also take a risk on missing out on parenthood by not meeting someone in time), or try and separate partnership from parenthood? So that one isn't dependent on the other?

Delete Facebook! I don’t understand people sharing those kind of details. But people only share a curated view of their lives, not the day to day drudgery.
Go and live your best life, whatever that looks like. Take control.

A lot of good advice on here from some wise ladies.

I wanted to drop in to say that, at 31 I'd been single for five years, tirelessly dating online and in real life, but never quite meeting the right person.
I did get an excellent idea of what I didn't want though, an unshakeable level of self worth, and a very clear list of what I did want.

Then, during one of my 'bored on Sunday' Tinder swiping sessions, I matched with a man who I thought had a kind face...despite his empty profile. We got chatting a little and decided to meet...I'm now 32, engaged and pregnant!
He's everything I could have hoped for, and had been on a similar journey to me - so knew just what he wanted and has the emotional maturity to have a functional relationship.

Don't lose hope! It's hard right now, but it gets so much better.
Enjoy your single years, you'll never get a better chance to get to know yourself.

It’s ok to be jealous. As others have said people can portray a picture perfect life on social media and reality is different. That said nothing wrong with wanting children.

if OLD isn’t working start up some new hobbies, find other ways of meeting men

I totally get it OP. I'm 40
And still single. It breaks my heart. I'm not jealous, just very sad. And hearing how hard it is to be a parent to make me feel better really isn't helpful.

@KatyKeene yes. I would rather be that parent at 45 wondering, rather than not having been a parent.

I also can't go alone due to health issues and the cost of childcare would be unaffordable.

What helped me was noticing the ppl who don't have kids and are happy. I have two friends that are older than me, in long relationships, and don't want kids.

Do what you can to have kids, dating etc. but enjoy the rest of life. Eventually pregnancy announcements were just a bit of gossip rather than ruining my day.

@Toddlerteaplease - I’m so sorry for your situation. I hope my post has not upset you. I simply wanted to give the poster hope. The essence of what I was trying to convey is to try not to let social media destroy your mental health.

I understand everyone wants and needs a loving relationship and a family. We are social beings and we need the support of others to live and reach our potential.

I think we are all guilty of cheating ourselves out of happiness when we think I’ll be happy once I get that job, or we will be happy once we move house, or I know I’ll have a happy life once I have partner. The opportunities we all believe will be our happy ending often fail to deliver. That’s my experience of life.

There is no secret formula to success and happiness. However there are ways of reframing our thoughts and the opportunities to exploring other lifestyles - this can be a way forward.

I know it’s very sad to live and accept the reality of not being with a partner - and it’s devastating to not have the same opportunities for family life. Managing on your own and feeling like the world is passing you by you will feel very isolated.

Accepting our fate and lot in life is absolutely difficult. With the right people family friends siblings around us it’s possible to find other avenues of happiness.

I felt alone in life for 15 years as a single parent - until I realised I needed to stop thinking societies nuclear normal family was the ultimate happiness. It didn’t happen overnight and I had to reach out and make changes and yes I needed to
find and make new friends. There was no support network around me there were lots of fair weather friends - lots surplus friendships which no longer worked. So
one of the first ways I saved myself was to try new things. Yes I did join some groups with the intention of making new friends. There were some difficult situations and let downs - you are vulnerable when you open up your life - but 5 years on - and I have found wonderful friendships - my sisterhood is small but we are all supporting one another.

I suppose what I’m trying to say when the doors of opportunity and the life you so wanted are closed. Grieve and heal from it all. Once you feel strong enough
look to open new doors. Get new perspectives from another crowd of people listen to the woes of existing people in your life. I always thought I wanted a daughter - it was something I thought would have changed my life and happiness etc etc etc - One whole weekend of living with teenage and early 20’s nieces and friends daughters and I lived to learn that actually - that I couldn’t cope with a daughter. It isn’t just the worry about them going out into the world and getting hurt etc - oh no there’s another side to Generation Z - as a whole selfishness, this self belief they know better - than everyone and that we old people are just stupid etc etc.

I’m grateful I was born in the 1970’s and I’m ageing. I’m grateful for even the most awful testing times in my life - because these experiences have made me strong and given me my identity and a unique perspective. Make the best of your time and don’t loose yourself on a path that was deliberately impossible.

We all deserve happiness and - starting with something simple - the first step -
my happiness step this morning - a mocha latte and a gingerbread biscuit!

@autumnleaves222

I had almost given up hope but when I was 32 nearly 33 I got together my partner and had my kids at 35 and 38!!

We'd known each other for years and then we were both single, we randomly worked in the same place. One day he invited me out for cinema and pizza, just as friends and it evolved from there.

I've never done OLD but have plenty of friends who do - only one has met her future husband but a lot I know have had experiences of married men on there and people who only want sex not a proper relationship.

I think if OLD isn't working you need to spread your net wider, join some clubs and activities or do a course at night school.

Don't give up hope!

Sorry to be a pain saying that it's just important to adopted kids and adoptive parents.

This is just projection on the OP though. She shouldn't feel guilted on her own thread about wanting her own BIOLOGICAL children or not considering the feelings of all adopted kids and parents out there when feeling this way. There's plenty of people who would prefer to adopt and do adopt as a first choice. OP's feelings and the feelings of other women are not a reflection on you. Only your parents' choices are and they loved you as their own.

Sorry to derail, OP. I can empathise. It's hard to want kids and feel so far removed from having them. However a big reason for this pressure is your body clock. Could you freeze eggs so it takes away the pressure of dating and gives you options for meeting someone later on? As to finding the right person - that's hard. But at least you know you're not alone, your friends may be settled down but plenty of others aren't. And you don't know if your friends families will last forever either. You can have a family at 30 and be single at 40. Or single at 30 and have a family at 40. Both count and one isn't better than the other.

You can't guarantee a family but you can guarantee a full, well lived life. So to distract yourself, think of all the things you'd likely not be able to do in a relationship or once you have kids/big mortgage etc and go do them. What else other than wanting kids is your dream?

No advice (god knows single women get enough of that thrown at them!) But completely understand!! I was unexpectedly single in my 30s and cant count how much some of the above from PP was thrown my way... endlessly being told how hard parenting is, how noones got it perfect, how you should focus on yourself and hobbies blah blah blah.. but the reality for a lot of single women in 30s/40s wanting kids is that we already know parenting is hard, we know a partner or child wont fix everything, we know our options but we just want people to hear us when we say its hard the waiting and not knowing if it will ever happen for us, through no fault of our own!

If its any encouragement, I didnt meet DP til I was 35, and am 37 expecting DC1 so it can still happen xxx

I will add, as I have already posted, the point about child/partner not fixing everything.

I'm a solo mother by choice as I stopped waiting for a relationship to appear and make a family happen for me. For me having my son has definitely fixed several things: I now feel I have something very serious to take care of and love, hopefully build a long lasting relationship with my child, I feel I have more grounding, I am more connected to my family, I am also more connected to my community. I have less 'empty' time and have a good balance between my needs and someone else's needs. Before it seemed like a never ending self improvement project. Of course there are areas of life a child won't fix but for me, I am grateful to have him in my life and wouldn't be without him.

The person who mentioned the language around adoption is not guilting the OP. Just pointing out how insensitive people can be about adoption. It is nearly always talked about as a last resort and implied that an adopted child is not really yours. I have two adopted children and it gets on my nerves no end. Of course it is not the same as having a biological child but pointing this out the whole time hurts both the adopters and the adopted child.

But OP doesn't want to adopt which means she won't be coming into contact with an adopted child she will upset. Surely your annoyance with whether people prefer biological children is a you problem. Because these are strangers living their lives. Why would someone else's preferences for children affect you?? This seems a lot like the insecurities and chip on shoulder of adoptive parents and kids being projected on women who do just want kids that are biologically their own and don't want to adopt. Other peoples choices don't reflect on you unless you let them.

Also did you adopt as a first choice? If you did, that proves people do pick adoption as a first choice so OP's wishes are irrelevant to parents who adopt. And if you didn't - that's a bit hypocritical.

@ganvough

This is just projection on the OP though. She shouldn't feel guilted on her own thread about wanting her own BIOLOGICAL children or not considering the feelings of all adopted kids and parents out there when feeling this way. There's plenty of people who would prefer to adopt and do adopt as a first choice. OP's feelings and the feelings of other women are not a reflection on you.

I'm the poster you took issue with first.

I absolutely didn't take issue with the fact OP wants a biological child. I said no such thing. I specifically said it's annoying when people suggest it as a back up - agreeing with OP that it's a thoughtless thing to say to someone who wants biological children as it's not a 'back up plan'! I have no issue with anyone feeling that they want biological children.

My post just pointed out that the wording of someone's 'own' children can be hurtful to people without them meaning for it to be. I literally agreed with OP that it's annoying when people suggest adoption to people who want biological children!

I apologise that you read my post as judging OP's options, but if you read it back you misunderstood my meaning. If you read it back you'll see my annoyance is with the same thing as OP. People shouldn't suggest adoption as a default alternative to someone who wants biological children. I said that in my post.

I just pointed out the wording can be phrased better. I apologised for being a pain by saying it and the rest of my post shared my solidarity with the pain of wanting children and not having them yet / worrying you won't have them.

Let's not derail OP's thread further about this? I'm sorry if my post upset you but if you read back my post I didn't say what you've said I did. I agreed with her.

OP, if you're still reading then as I said in my first post I'm so sorry you're feeling this way