Thinking it's over after 25 years

[feelsomethinghastochange]

Been with DH for nearly 25 years. He's retired (early) and I'm still working and earning a good wage. Youngest is about to go off to uni next year. Feel like that is then the time to call it quits.

I've been bored for years. No intimacy for 5 years. We have nothing in common and hardly speak. Even on my wedding day I thought it was a mistake but too late to back out. When I've tried to raise our situation DH panics and convinces me all will be well. It never is. In the past he has hinted he will kill himself if I leave. I've felt trapped for so long. Stuck it out for the kids.

I'm scared I've wasted my life but scared of the unknown and starting again too. I know that makes no sense.

Anyone any advice? Is it too late? I just want some happiness.

It's never too late, you've still time to meet someone else or just enjoy being you.
do you think when the youngest moves away you could try to do things together to see if that brings anything back?

That's so sad. But it's never too late. I couldn't imagine living with some where there's not physical touch and who I wasn't in love with. I almost moved in with someone where our relationship was like that, and I quickly changed my mind as I was already feeling alone with him so I knew moving in I would feel even more alone. I'd rather be literally alone that be with someone and feel alone, it's soul crushing.

Of course it's not too late! Wishing you much luck.

I divorced my XH when I was 54 after 31 years together, at the end of youngest’s first year at uni. Best thing I ever did! I am me again, I feel energetic yet at peace, and my world is how I want it. I have a partner as well, the sex is wonderful and plentiful, and he thinks I’m the dog’s bollocks. XH and I managed to stay amicable, which really really helped. Don’t let fear hold you back: freedom is wonderful!

I so would want it to be amicable but I think he would make it difficult. I feel so responsible for him. It's like he's my other child.

Being with someone else feels alien though. Not sure I'm ready for that! My body isn't what it used to be so can't even imagine being naked with someone.

But being me again? Yes, that sounds good.

He's not going to kill himself! He'll be online looking for dates within a week of you moving out.

What will your children's reaction be?

Why not take this year to get yourself sorted physically and to get everything in order such as decluttering?

He's not going to kill himself! He'll be online looking for dates within a week of you moving out.

This!

In the meantime, if you don't feel it's the right time to leave right now, could you begin to 'be you' within the relationship? If you have nothing in common and barely speak, could you not live the life you'd choose to live but from within the same walls? Bar seeing anyone else of course!

A relationship isn't compulsory and, after 25 years, you'd want time to rediscover yourself before getting yourself into another one anyway so can you do that now?

Use the next year, until your eldest leaves, to try new hobbies, develop new interests outside of the home, work out what you want your life to look like. That way, in a years time, you're not going to be in the same position as you are now. Leaving can be a long game, it doesn't have to mean you pack your bags and are off for new adventures this weekend!

Basically, make a plan. That way, you'll be better placed to leave next year because you'll have done all the ground work already.

We split after 20 years . Our situation sounded much like yours . He wasn’t speaking but wouldn’t come for Christmas Dinner with us ( DS still at home) at relatives . He said if we went that was the end . We went as I knew it was over.It was a nasty break up but life is so much better . It’s financially difficult but it’s amazing doing what I want when I want and nobody moaning. Make your plans and go for it .

I echo the posters above - no sudden moves are necessary, take your time. Note that it only occurred to me to start seeing other people three full years after i told him i was divorcing him, it took that long to dig 'me' out and stop bending myself out of shape for my extra child. By which time he had set himself up nicely with someone else too. And the fact my body was as most 57 year old bodies are really made no difference to finding love again - a much better love actually, who adores me entirely as I am.

"Youngest is about to go off to uni next year. Feel like that is then the time to call it quits".

Don't pull the rug out from underneath your child like that; if you're going to split up then do so sooner rather than later. Do not keep on kicking the can down the road like you have done. Waiting for the youngest child to go off to uni and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

I would also think all of your children know far more about the state of your marriage than you or your H are prepared to admit. Sticking it out for the kids as you have done has not worked out for anyone really and has furthermore enabled your H to emotionally manipulate you by threatening to kill himself if you leave. Such a level of abuse and manipulation are more often than not a power and control measure designed to keep their chosen target, in this case you, in line.

You likely feel responsible for him through conditioning and being codependent (someone, most likely one or other parent taught you to be codependent as well) but his needs are not more important than your own. You have neglected your own needs here for far too long. At the very least I would urge you to seek legal advice because knowledge here is power. Divorce is not failure but living in unhappiness is. Start putting a plan together and rebuilding your life without your abuser in it.

I left my dh after almost 30 years at the age of 58. Best thing I ever did - you are never too old to find happiness.

I found that the first step (making the decision to leave) was by far the hardest. After that - although it wasn't easy - everything kind of fell into place.

Good luck and keep moving steadily forwards 💐

I thought my first husband would do something silly too- within 2 months he was seeing someone regularly and she moved in at 5 months-

I cannot begin to thank you all enough. Just writing it out makes it real and then having responses doubly so.

I need to get a plan together. I think getting some me legal advice would be a good start.

I was going to take him away for his birthday in December but I can't stand to be alone with him for three full days. Says it all really.

My exh left at the end of last year after we'd been together 23 yes. We'd grown apart. Like housemates who tolerated each other.

I'm the happiest I've been in years, truly! Our ds happier now too as he's not living in a hostile environment with parents niggling each other.

I initially thought I'd never want to have sex or be with another man again - also my body isn't great. I've now got a lovely bf I see one night a week for dates and sex. All the nice bits and none of the dreary stuff. No intentions of anything more serious. We sold the family give and me and ds have to a nice flat that's just ours.

I'm sure not everyone has happy separation stories but it's worked for us.

Just told him how I feel. Bored, frustrated, watching my life drift away. That I want to leave when DC all settled.

He just shrugs and says it will pass and I'll feel better in the future.

Not engaging it's the latest tactic. Like if he ignores me then it isn't true.

Feel so deflated. Wish I'd said nothing.

Keep moving forward, do not let him drag you down. Make plans and work towards them.

I’m 64, married for 34 years, together for over 40 years. I called it quits 6 months ago.

So, so looking forward to moving to my own little cottage with roses around the door and all my sleepy cats. Looking forward to not having to share my life with someone who doesn’t treat me like an equal, and thinks his word is law.

Its never too late. Start lining your ducks up and talk to a solicitor. You don’t have to do anything until you are ready, but having that information will help you be ready.

Seeing a therapist gave me the perspective to leave. Im going to become the new improved better me!!