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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Difficulty ending a relationship emotional guilt

15 replies

Singlemom8 · 04/10/2022 21:48

I’m in a conundrum. So my bf (and my DC dad) who I broke up my 10 years ago because of domestic violence but got back with last year (because he’d found God/church and tbf did seem like he’d changed and was doing well) threatened me with a knife (as a ‘joke’ so say) and also stole the wheel nut from my car and lied about it and so I couldn’t get my tyre fixed. I know I should just end the relationship but I find it really hard like he’s some kind of hold over me but at the same time I don’t really want to be with him right now because I don’t feel comfortable and it’s made my anxiety worse. Also he keeps telling me he’ll top himself if we break up and other morbid stuff?? Help confused 🫤

OP posts:
Chesterfieldfire · 05/10/2022 05:47

Run! Trying to sabotage you and impede your mobility is a red flag. Mentally healthy people don’t do anything like that.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 05/10/2022 06:02

You need to get away from him. This is abusive and controlling.

MillyWithaY · 05/10/2022 06:07

What are your living arrangements? Did you move to his or did he move to yours? Rent? Mortgage? It's likely you will have to get the police involved as he sounds, frankly, dangerous.

FatMog · 05/10/2022 06:21

I've heard that threatening to do himself in is a common abuse tactic. Don't fall for it.

Be careful splitting up. Plan it carefully.

KangarooKenny · 05/10/2022 06:44

Wow, he is abusive and controlling. You need to leave.

Original poster
Singlemom8 · 05/10/2022 18:36

He has a rented house approx five miles away so we don’t live together. He also has addiction which meant to be getting off the stuff so say but because of this he doesn’t stay with me because I can’t have drug abuse around kids. Just don’t know whether to break up with him or just stop answering his calls and texts 😬

OP posts:
Whydidimarryhim · 05/10/2022 18:53

Look up trauma bonding - you aren’t responsible for him.

RondaYolanda · 09/10/2022 02:04

Please keep us updated and let us know when he’s gone from your life and free!

Original poster
Singlemom8 · 11/10/2022 19:31

So I’m getting lots of messages and phone calls from him saying he loves me? But I’m thinking is it ‘love’ or infatuation (god knows why?!) He seemed so much better last year and I was really happy. Trouble is I think when he’s like this I think it reminds me of when we were together few years ago and he was quite abusive. He doesn’t get this though?!?

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 11/10/2022 19:47

He doesn’t need to get it, and you don’t need to look after him. You can leave any relationship for any reason - he’s dangerous and I’d be out of there as soon as.

Original poster
Singlemom8 · 16/10/2022 20:07

I’m beginning to think he’s a bit of a narcissist tbh . He rang up tonight. Doesn’t understand why we’re not together seems to have brushed over the fact he put a knife to my throat (a joke I took the wrong way to him) odd?! And I literally don’t know what to say anymore

OP posts:
Olatodoelmundo · 16/10/2022 21:30

@Singlemom8 This is not just odd, it’s truly dangerous. What if you had had a car accident due to your tyre? What if the knife had slipped? What’s next?! A friend of mine was in a similar situation and got a great deal of comfort out of going for a quiet chat at her local police station. She was surprised that they took her very seriously because she had got so used to his behaviour she too thought it was “odd” and “uncomfortable” — but they told her it was illegal. Coercive control, making your partner unsafe… I’m not in law but what he’s done is not legal, IMO. It could be good to put in a report. The police don’t have to do ANYTHING. But it will mean if he does become dangerous or doesn’t leave your house when you ask him to (also illegal), you can call them.

J0yful · 16/10/2022 21:36

Your life is not a sacrifice to his convenience.
He never changed.
You are not obliged to overlook the 90% bad in him because he tells you he's "not all bad".

Tell him "we're on different pages and I need to save myself now".
Send the message that u can't be manipulated anymore.
No matter what he says, tell him "I have to save myself now"

No doubt he'll let you know you're cold hearted for putting yourself first.
Don't argue, just say "yes".

J0yful · 16/10/2022 21:39

You dont need him to understand why you want out now.
You think you need him to understand but actually you can end it whether he gets it or not.
That awkward feel of him not getting it, bear it, sit with it. That is how you will detach.

DPotter · 16/10/2022 21:46

No where ever is a knife to someone's throat a joke.

Just because someone claims to have found God, is not a good enough reason to get back together.

You have your children and yourself to think of, before anyone, including him.

It's fine to say "We're over, finished. I have nothing else to say to you"

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