Can self centred men change?

[tessiebee]

Been with someone 9 months and I'm becoming more and more frustrated with his attitude towards certain things

For context he's 42, been single for years, never engaged or married, no kids. I think this is relevant as it's as if he's in his own little bubble and not used to thinking of anyone else but himself

Me on the other hand, been married for 12 years now divorced with a dc. Had another relationship since and now met DP.

Every day I hear about how busy his work is, how hard he works, how he's tired etc etc while at the same time get digs about me having it easy (simply because i work from and do less hours - still full time). It's like he genuinely has no concept of what my life is like.
On his longest days he works 8-7 which I accept is a long shift but he gets up at 7am and is home chilling on the couch by 7.30pm. No responsibilities, nobody to think of but himself. On the other hand I'm 9-5 but up at 6.30am every morning and lucky to sit down and relax before 9.30 at night by the time dc is in bed and chores done, prepped for the morning etc

This has never bothered me until he constantly goes one about how tired he is and how he works non stop.
When I have a night free to see him, more and more he's expecting me to go to him because he's been working all day

He seems oblivious that I'd see this as unfair so to give him the benefit of the doubt I should maybe spell it out.

It's just the culmination of a lot of small remarks really. He just seems to think he should go about his busy important life and I should just slot into that

He's not really used to compromising either. Like he just turns on the tv and puts on something to watch. Tbf he picks something we both like but there is no discussion.
I say, what do you fancy for dinner if we're getting a take away and he says "Chinese" for example. End of conversation. Perhaps my fault for asking and not saying what I want but I'm used to a bit more thought and discussion around it

Other than this he's an a amazing guy and I think he'd be mortified if he thought I felt this way. Part of me thinks I should bring it up and give him a chance. He's used it being on his own and thinking of himself so he maybe doesn't know any different. The other part of me thinks, he's 42, he's a grown man and he is who he is

Just pull away for a month and say you're busy.

He'll either like the extra time and space - so you know he doesn't really want a relationship.

Or he'll miss you, up his game and make more effort.

I agree with a PP, pull away a bit, let him chase you a bit.

Where did you meet him?

Really hard to understand why he's never got married! He sounds like a selfish twat. He's not going to change.

Move on, you can do better.

Why would be change? What’s in it for him?

We're in a bit of a rut in that we've got a set schedule when we see each other - this is based around when my dc are at their dads. He's more than accommodating about this and changes his plans to fit in with that.

It's more that he's not used to having to consider anyone else's thoughts or feelings other than his own. I don't know if he deserves a transition period cos it's all new to him, or if this is part of the reason why he's been single?

Good question. He's dropped hints about us living together in the future (far in the future cos of my dc) and I said I didn't think I could cope living with him and his batchelor habits and he seemed shocked

I sound like I'm defending him but it's genuinely like he doesn't know how to "do" relationships. Don't want to drip feed but he has asd/adhd (diagnosed but not severe) - I don't know how much of it is down to that, and how much of it is just the fact he's a self centred person

I do think you should talk to him about it, yes.

If he’s been on his own a lot he’ll have got a bit set in his ways, used to pleasing himself when it suits him. So yes, selfish, in a way. But also maybe unintentional.

I am a female version of him to a certain extent and have had numerous conversations with friends about how hard I would find it to compromise, not because I don’t want to but because it just wouldn’t occur to me and I’d need a bit of a nudge to get into a new “not eternally single” mindset. I’m not so much thoughtless, more oblivious!

So yeah, give him the benefit of the doubt and have a chat with him. If he gets huffy and defensive as a result then that’s a different story but you need to get to that place before making a decision, I think.

Oblivious is actually the word I'd use. I honestly think he's clueless about my thoughts re this.

He's very generous, kind, great personality. If I asked him to do something it would be no problem at all but it's like I need to spell it out to him.
In my head by the time I need to ask him to do something it has spoiled the moment as it doesn't count as being thoughtful if that makes sense

“He's very generous, kind, great personality. If I asked him to do something it would be no problem at all but it's like I need to spell it out to him.
In my head by the time I need to ask him to do something it has spoiled the moment as it doesn't count as being thoughtful if that makes sense”

This is the second post like this today.

It may be wrong but men tend not to anticipate needs the way women do. For women anticipating needs is a sign of love but men seem to be wired differently perhaps because of socialisation.

IME men ask for what they want/need and assume women will do the same. So the fact he hasn’t volunteered something doesn’t mean he doesn’t care and isn’t thoughtful. If he’s willing to do what you ask him to do, it seems harsh to mark him down because you had to ask him - why not just focus on the good thing he’s done?

Just seen your update about him having asd/adhd and this might well play a part too.

He might well need things spelling out for him and, using your “dinner” scenario as an example, he might not realise that “what do you want for dinner” is a two-way conversation. Most people would just know to respond “I fancy Chinese, what do you fancy?” but I find people with autism can be very literal – you asked a question. He answered it.

I think that aspect of his personality will be something you need to get your head around and not take personally.

Have you got the energy and inclination to be the person to teach a 42 year old how to 'do' relationships when they're fundamentally self centred and would have to be 'taught' how to put other people first?

Because that sounds absolutely fucking exhausting, you're only nine months in, you have kids who presumably require a lot of headspace and energy too... and you could put in a bunch of work to make him a 'better' man only for him to not do so.

I personally don't think any bloke is worth that.

And if someone is "amazing but..." and the thing following "but" is a fundamental character flaw like their default mode being selfish then the amazing bits (even if they actually are amazing) don't override that IME.

I did wonder if he had asd as he seems very amenable when you tell him to do something. Just can't anticipate your needs on his own as it's ambiguous and not clear.

My DP has ASD and when we met he was used to doing things a certain way and changing to accommodate someone didn't come easily. He liked his routines and patterns. However if I told him what I wanted, he'd do it no problem and would then adjust. That's how I knew he wasn't an arsehole or selfish. He just couldn't read emotions and non verbal clues as well as clear instructions. It involved me becoming very direct when I was upset or needed something rather than expect him to guess or intuit . It was a little irritating at first having to spell things out, but he was so good at doing the actual things, and trying his best to meet my needs, it demonstrated real care. As an example he was very robotic on texts, only messaged when needed, no frivolous chats. I told him once I liked the silly messages that showed a person is thinking of you. From them on he messages (like clockwork) when he gets up and at night before bed and during lunch break. Normally always at the same time. They're normally the same check in messages every day but it was a big deal to adapt his texting style that way for me. That ability to compromise is priceless.

I accept I'll never have spontaneous romance and he can be annoyingly methodical about how he does things. But he's fab in other ways and I know he'll always be dependable, is too literal to ever lie/cheat, and genuinely wants to see me happy. Really the best Dp I've had. So maybe your man is similar and a conversation should be had to understand communication styles and what he needs vs what you need.