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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tell me what to do about this friend

26 replies

Mummysharkdoodoodoodoodoodoo · 04/10/2022 20:17

When she's fun, she's amazing.

When she's in a bad mood, everyone has a horrible, awful time and it's just about the most awkward experience imaginable.

When she's in a good mood, I see her and think "She's great! I should see her more."

When she's in a bad mood, she can be really rude and hurtful and it will bother me for a while - I'm not used to any kind of drama or nastiness these days!

She never cancels when she's in a bad mood. Last time I saw her, she'd invited us for a couple of drinks and snacks in her garden before an event, but was in a bad mood when we arrived. She didn't warn us that anything was amiss but when we turned up she was in her PJs, acting like we'd crashed her house and weren't welcome, and that she couldn't think of anything worse than going to the event. It was so weird. She'd been texting about it all day before. The whole evening was really uncomfortable and disappointing and she was really rude. Her husband is nice but seems a bit afraid of her. He's good friends with my husband hence it being more of an issue.

I'm scheduled to go to an event with them next week and I don't want to go because last time I saw her it had been so awkward. DH is putting a bit of pressure on me to go as he thinks it's nice to do something altogether. I am unsure.

What would you do? Keep trying and hope she's in a good mood when we see her? See her less often, because her moodiness seems to happen when we see her more than once in a short period of time? Or just give up altogether for a peaceful life?

I want to stress that when she's great, she's really great! It's just that I'm never sure which version of herself she will be.

Help!

OP posts:

Squirrelvillage · 04/10/2022 20:22

If I liked the friend, and she was in a bad mood when I arrived, I'd ask if everything is ok as she doesn't seem very happy. Regardless of the answer, I'd say I think it's best if I leave and would just walk out. Imagine her like a toddler. Give her attention when she does the good behaviour and ignore/disengage when she does the bad behaviour.

Original poster

Mummysharkdoodoodoodoodoodoo · 05/10/2022 05:27

That’s a good idea! Maybe I should start saying something/leaving if she doesn’t stop. In the past I’ve felt so awkward I just sort of shut down or tried to ignore it or cheer her up. I suppose I’ve been a bit pathetic about it, not wanting to confront and potentially make it worse, but if I don’t acknowledge it, it’s more likely to keep happening.

Thank you!

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 05/10/2022 06:08

I think if you keep pandering to her moods you will always be a hostage. Perhaps give her one last chance and if when you turn up she's in a bad mood tell her you are feeling very uncomfortable and it's better if you leave.

At least you are letting her know that it's her behaviour that is pushing you away. If she has some sort of mental health issues it's up to her to get help, not you to tolerate the discomfort but as it stands everyone is walking on eggshells around her.

Darbs76 · 05/10/2022 06:15

You 100% need to start leaving if she’s in a bad mood. Why would you stay and feel uncomfortable. Just say look it seems like you could do with the evening to yourself, I’ll make a move. If she approaches you about it I’d let her know you feel uncomfortable when she’s in a bad mood

Oblomov22 · 05/10/2022 06:40

I wouldn't entertain such a friend. It sounds odd, unhinged, extremist. If you are down you ring a friend talk it through and then it's over. Ruining everyone else's time is not ok. Why on earth would you put up with this. Your friendship guidelines are out of kilter. Please address that.

ShandaLear · 05/10/2022 06:48

If she’s in a bad mood just straight out say, ‘I think this is a bad time. You’re obviously struggling. We’ll reschedule for another day’, and then walk out.

Dery · 05/10/2022 07:51

The thing about abusive people is that they are often charm personified when they feel like being but behave very badly when they don’t. Whether or not this is bad enough to be abusive, it certainly sounds like she’s being allowed to get away with her mean and moody behaviour. I agree with PP, I wouldn’t stick around if she’s behaving badly. Let her realise that this isn’t okay.

Original poster

Mummysharkdoodoodoodoodoodoo · 05/10/2022 11:19

I think you're alright and I've been really weak about it. I suppose one issue is that DH and I really don't get out much because of the kids! When we arrange to meet them we have usually arranged and paid for a babysitter and feel excited to get out as it's so rare that we do! So I think I'm usually a bit reluctant to just call it quits immediately, because it will be like - well, it seems like a waste. You know? Arrange and pay for the babysitter and then just go home because she's grumpy.

Her DH is also lovely and never grumpy so we feel a bit bad for him - if we just go off on our own then his night will be over too. Although I suppose that isn't really our problem.

The last couple of times we met I was quite upset for quite a long time. The things she says when she's upset are just quite outrageous and not something that I've ever really experienced so I feel reluctant to meet but then again, when she's great she's great so maybe I can give her another chance and just be more blunt if she's in a bad mood.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummysharkdoodoodoodoodoodoo · 05/10/2022 11:22

Dery · 05/10/2022 07:51

It's interesting that you said this because it does FEEL a bit abusive in that the people around her feel weak and afraid to deal with her and almost to blame themselves? It feels similar to how people feel with an abusive partner - you know, almost apologetic for their mood, almost a bit pleading that they'll be nice again, like you know that what they're doing is wrong but you just want it to go back to being nice. The way she behaves is very odd and there's definitely a controlling element to it - whether or not it's actually abusive I'm not sure, but the people around her do respond similarly to how one would respond to an abuser.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 11:47

Imagine her like a toddler

And then decide that you want adults as friends, and stay away from her. You're leading an adult life, not running a creche.

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 11:52

it does FEEL a bit abusive

Then it is.

I'll put that in context. I had a friend who left her boyfriend because he used to stroke her arm, softly and affectionately, sometimes. This is far from being an abusive action. However, it's what her childhood abuser used to do before taking her upstairs to abuse her, so it was something she really hated. She asked her boyfriend not to do it, told him it made her feel uncomfortable, and he carried on, saying she was being silly, and, actually, if feels nice to have your arm tickled. So she left him. The action wasn't the abuse: the disrespect was.

Your friend is being rude and disrespectful. Her reasons don't matter. She has form for doing this, and not just with you. Stay away from her.

choolaboola · 05/10/2022 12:16

I entertained a friend like this for years. When she was great she was great, but wow, when she wasn't!

The older we got, the less tolerance we had for her dramas and she felt the control waivering and fell out with us, blocking us from any form of contact.

Life is much lighter without her involved - yes, I reckon there was a MH aspect to it, but she rejected help and attacked those most close. So I don't miss it at all.

tuttifruit · 05/10/2022 12:45

Sounds really extreme and weird. I think you should call out her behaviour in case she somehow isn't aware of how she's coming across. Then if she does it again I would drop her as a friend because she clearly doesn't care about how she makes you feel

NotLactoseFree · 05/10/2022 12:49

BIL, who definitely is abusive to SIL, used to behave like this around me and DH too. Until we realised it wasn't okay so we started being quite obviously unimpressed. eg, he'd come round to ours for lunch or whatever but would arrive and be very clearly NOT talking to anyone so we'd be all super bright and pointed. As this deteriorated, we also got better at ignoring him eg if we were over there.

But if it is your friend, I'd say, you have to be more direct. "ooh, you're clearly not really up for this. Shall we go down the pub and you join us when you'r ready. FriendDH - want to come and she can catch up later?"

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 13:16

I think you should call out her behaviour in case she somehow isn't aware of how she's coming across

Nope. Not up to OP to educate another adult in how to be an adult.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/10/2022 13:18

I'm usually a pretty strong person and don't tolerate much nonsense so I'm not sure why I'm so weak in this case! It's like I know how fun she COULD be and so I just want her to be that fun person and not this grumpy one - like I'm almost waiting around for the fun person to appear!
Pretty much the classic scenario for abusive relationships - the victim hangs on, turning themselves inside out hoping for the "nice" version of their abuser to reappear.

When she's in a good mood, I see her and think "She's great! I should see her more."
You need to reframe this.
When she's in a good mood, remind yourself of the eggshells you'll be walking in when she switches again.

When she's in a bad mood, everyone has a horrible, awful time and it's just about the most awkward experience imaginable.
Like this.

It's inexcusable behaviour in an adult. Her poor DH - he's probably in a state of constant hypervigilance, just waiting & dreading the point where she regularly decides to let her awful side run riot.

Qwerty111 · 05/10/2022 13:25

I wouldn’t rush to cut her off but I think you and your DH should always make a Plan B whenever you have plans to see her. A restaurant, a film, whatever.

Then if she’s in a mood when you meet up, you give the excellent script ShandaLear suggested and you and your DH move smoothly on to Plan B. Don’t waste a babysitter, don’t spend a rare night out being insulted - better options are out there!

Fraaahnces · 05/10/2022 13:29

I haaaate that kind of environment. I would say “I’m going home. I’m not going to waste money on a babysitter to have to tolerate your bad mood.”
That or “Did you forget to take your meds today?”

Watchkeys · 05/10/2022 13:29

I wouldn’t rush to cut her off

Why keep her?

Sausagelove · 05/10/2022 13:59

Abusers and bullies frequently use moods to intimidate and bully people.

Why on earth is your husband pressurising you to spend time with someone who’s so nasty she leaves you feeling upset for ages afterwards? What’s wrong with him? Why does he think you should pay a babysitter to suffer this shit? Tell him to cut it out and to go on his own.

Because despite knowing she’s upset you he thinks it will ne nice for you to spend time. Nice for who? She obviously isn’t as shit to him as she is to you or he wouldn’t want to meet again either.

I wonder if he’s keen for you to go so you can “manage” her and they can spend time without dealing with her shit. And her husband isn’t really nice if he passively sits there while she is acting out moods and upsetting guests. They both sound toxic.

KettrickenSmiled · 06/10/2022 11:28

And her husband isn’t really nice if he passively sits there while she is acting out moods and upsetting guests. They both sound toxic.

No need to victim-blame the husband.
If their sexes were reversed, there'd be a chorus of posts worrying about the wife being abused behind closed doors. Which I'm sure this poor husband is being.

Original poster

Mummysharkdoodoodoodoodoodoo · 06/10/2022 13:33

Thank you for all of the replies. I´ve actually just had a bit of a quarrel with DH about it. I´ve told him I´m not going to meet up with them when he wanted to, because the planned meeting was at their house. I´ve said I´ll give her another chance but in a public environment, for example, out for dinner or at another event. Halloween is coming up, maybe a Halloween party or something. So that if she´s in a bad mood and starts being horrible, I can basically do something else or move away and talk to other people.

DH is usually lovely but he was a bit of a knob about it to be honest. And I don´t think I´ve used the word ´knob´ since the 90s so that proves what a knob he was! I know he likes her DH, but he sees him regularly through a shared hobby, so it´s not like I´m denying him access to his friend. I asked him why he wanted me to see someone who actually really upset me the last time we met and he just kept saying ¨Fine, don´t then.¨ But grumpily, IYSWIM.

I don´t think I´m being especially unreasonable, but there you go. Got a grumpy husband today. Oh well.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummysharkdoodoodoodoodoodoo · 06/10/2022 13:33

But thank you , because this thread has made me realise that I´m not being unreasonable, and also given me some good ideas about how to deal with the situation, as well as confidence in dealing with it. So I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

Sausagelove · 06/10/2022 13:49

No need to victim-blame the husband.

It’s not victim blaming to point out that keep arranging these nights when he knows his wife makes people upset isn’t normal.. In the ops words, everyone has a horrible awful time. The op shouldn’t feel any obligation to keep subjecting herself to this shit just in case he’s being abused.

If their sexes were reversed,

I don’t normally get into this hypothetical nonsense but that would be actually a lot worse wouldn't it. And I don’t think anyone would be encouraging the op to put up with moods and hurtful behaviour from a man just to keep her husband and his friend happy just in case someone’s being abused.

Regardless of what is going on between them the op is not enjoying these evenings and is under no obligation to continue.

KettrickenSmiled · 06/10/2022 14:03

No need to victim-blame the husband.

It’s not victim blaming to point out that keep arranging these nights when he knows his wife makes people upset isn’t normal
That's right. Because - thankfully - domestic abuse isn't "normal".
And I have no doubt that this husband is the victim of domestic abuse.

If their sexes were reversed,

I don’t normally get into this hypothetical nonsense but that would be actually a lot worse wouldn't it.
Would it? Why? What a revoltingly sexist comment. DA is DA no matter which sex is on the wrong end of it.

And I don’t think anyone would be encouraging the op to put up with moods and hurtful behaviour from a man just to keep her husband and his friend happy just in case someone’s being abused.
Er, where do you reckon I said that?

Regardless of what is going on between them the op is not enjoying these evenings and is under no obligation to continue.
Yeah, which is what I've been telling her ... so your point in saying this to me is ...?

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