Sorry, it’s a long one.
I ended things with my ex partner just over a month ago, we were together for 18 months and he was the first relationship I’ve had after my (traumatic) marriage.
I had ended the relationship despite still being very much in love with him due to his lack of effort and communication, we only saw each other once a week due to work, distance, children (same age DDs) which I was fine with but I struggled with the lack of communication between us physically seeing each other.
If I didn’t call him we would have never spoken, I received a few texts a day with very little substance. If I brought up these issues he would go silent and stonewall me. I didn’t feel valued at all and it got to a point where I couldn’t remember the last time he made me laugh. Any plans we made between ourselves or including DDs were always initiated by me. Of course it was not like this in the beginning and I was very confused as to where this person had gone.
On reflection the relationship was very one sided on my part and I was giving him too much and not receiving the bare minimum. The bar was on the floor after my ExH and I really thought this was an improvement (embarrassing) and it’s something I’m working on.
Ex partner had told me earlier this year that he was struggling with depression and I fully supported him with anything he needed, checked in on his well-being and excused some (on reflection) shit behaviour, such as always being late, not talking to me, cancelling on our plans at the last minute by text amongst other things. After a while and because of how he was acting towards me, I asked if I was the problem and said if he didn’t want the relationship that was OK, but this would be met with denials, tears, (unfulfilled) promises to make more effort and then the silent treatment. I didn’t understand it at all and didn’t know what to do. There was a huge contradiction between what he was telling me (when I asked him) and how he was acting and it messed with my head.
The day we split up I had been in a bad place mentally for around a week having given him all of my energy and having nothing left in the cup for myself. He was due to come round in the evening and I had been crying on the phone in the morning about how down I was feeling. His friend invited him to a football event that morning before he had spoken to me, and he ditched me to go. I didn’t know until I asked where he was and he text me saying he was there and he regretted it. It was the final straw and I replied ending things there and then.
This wasn’t replied to all evening and night and I ended up calling him the next day (by this point quite distressed) to check if he had even seen it. He had, and he had screened my message without opening it. He told me he was too depressed and had ‘nothing in him’ and apologised for his behaviour but stonewalled me again when I made it clear it that I wasn’t accepting the apology as I didn’t believe he would change. The call ended with me saying bye after several minutes of silence from him and we haven’t spoken since.
A personalised card and gift that I ordered for his DD’s birthday arrived the day after the breakup and I forwarded them on to him in the post just in their packaging and without a note as I couldn’t return them, and so his DD could potentially still have them. I reached out to say I posted them and I hoped that was OK and I was ignored.
Two weeks later I find out he’s back on Tinder (how we met). After telling me he had nothing in him to give. Shortly after new women started appearing on his social media and I was and still am devastated. I blocked him on everything.
I know that I ended things to protect my own mental health, I know his behaviour has been bad, I know that I allowed a lot of it and have work to do. I know I don’t want the relationship back. But I have been bereft. I have lost a stone while not being overweight to begin with and I visibly look like I am going through something to the point where people are asking me if I’m ill. I still often and randomly cry and feel quite traumatised by the mindfuckery and the stonewalling. I have a feeling of being discarded even though I ended it, and seeing his behaviour on Tinder/social media broke me all over again as I didn’t think he was like that, and like everything was a lie.
I can think rationally, which is why I have managed not to break the no contact even after seeing his online activities, but my emotions aren’t aligning and I don’t know how to make it stop. I have recently joined a gym, got a PT, been meditating, practicing self care, spending time with friends but there has been very little improvement. I do know that the break up is a blessing and it gives me the opportunity to work on myself and eventually find someone better for me, but right now the hurt is constant and feels like too much.
So as not to drip feed. I’m posting today as our DD’s do the same sport but at different clubs, his DD only started earlier this year. My DDs club is hosting a competition in a couple of weeks time and they posted the timings yesterday. While looking for DDs timings I can see he has entered his DD (DD’s are in the same age group) and that we will be there at the same time. It’s not a massive venue. I’ve been crying again with anxiety and sadness at the thought of seeing him there, and his DD who I really care about.
The irrational part of me wants to reach out to clear the air before this event as I know if I see him I will start crying, I’m just not ready. But the stronger and more rational side of me knows that he knows damn well that the event is at my DDs club and we will be there, so reaching out shouldn’t be on me and probably wont make any difference. I wouldn’t miss one of DDs events for anything and especially not because of him.
If anyone managed to read all that, can anyone give my head a wobble, offer any advice on how to mentally prepare for this event/generally pull my head out of my backside? I think my friends are sick of hearing about it at this point 🤦🏼♀️