Autistic brothers girlfriends and red flags

[thenewduchessoflapland]

I've concerns regarding my adult brother with autism and the woman he's seeing.

DB is late twenties;the woman he's been seeing for about 3 months is upper mid thirties,she's divorced and has a secondary school aged DC.Her and her child live with her mum.

DB has a confirmed diagnosis of ASD;he left college aged 20 and has never had a job.He's crap with money which is why his PIP/ESA is paid to an account my parents have control of.

He's immature for his age and the mentality of a teenage boy.He doesn't take proper responsibility for himself;my mum has to remind him to shower,to wash his clothes,to eat at mealtime and sometimes to do basics like brush his teeth in the mornings because he forgets.

He also has an explosive temper,has awful melt downs when he kicks off,is verbally abusive to my mum.He also doesn't tell people he has ASD and when they find out he attempts to play it down.

He's had a couple of girlfriends in the past and the relationships haven't ended well;in at least two of them he's argued with his then girlfriend and he's become violent;not to them physically but throwing things,kicking and punching furniture/walls etc.He was arrested by the police after one of the girlfriends called the police during one of these episodes.He was released without charge thankfully but he was lucky the police were understanding.

The relationship he's in seems to be moving far too fast,he's been introduced to her friends/family/kid already which I think is too soon regarding the kid.He's spending all his time with her which isn't healthy;he's blown off all plans with his friends,my DS who he's close too and has even stopped going to the gym.

He hasn't introduced her to any of his friends and family yet though;he cancelled plans with friends recently saying he's spending time with his GF and said friends told him to bring her and he said "oh she won't like that".His friends have voiced their concerns to my DS.

They are also plastering all over SM how much they "love each other" and I feel it's quite immature behaviour from a woman her age to be behaving like a infatuated teenage girl and I feel they are love bombing each other.

I'm worried that if my DB blows up like he has before he could do it in front of her DC and it worries me what happens if that DC tried to defend their mum?

I'm also worried given her age and thé of her only DC that she's possibly looking to have another DC.I love my DB dearly but he just wouldn't be able to cope with a baby;he has nothing to offer her;he wouldn't be able to provide financial or emotional support and not much in practical support either;she'd end up doing it alone.

Any practical advice is welcome.

Maybe she has similar issues.

Realistically you have 2 choices.

1, warn her. She is on Facebook right? Message her and say what you said here. Of course there will be fall out from that.

Or 2. Keep out of it.

She is definately real btw? I mean, it's not a false profile?

I sympathise but i don't think there's anything you can do. I think she will realise soon enough he's not really equipped to give her the life and relationship she wants. Or she will be the impetus he needs to change his life.

Has he undergone any therapy to help him learn coping mechanisms etc? That would help him more than just being dependent on your parents his whole life. He won't just be able to manage it on his own and needs support from trained professionals. He can't just live a life stuck in perpetual adolescence at home with no support to transition to adult life.

The suitability of the relationship is a red herring. He clearly wants love and companionship and needs help in learning to manage it all. You should see how you could help him get more independent. As to the woman, she's an adult - I'm sure she knows what she's getting into so point running interference. You can't intrude on his relationships but you can help your brother have a healthy one.

Also ask yourself - what future do you see for your brother and also do you know what makes him happy? How he might feel about the life he's stuck living? Those are more pertinent than him not showing up to see your DS or his friends m. Maybe for once he wants something of his own and the relationship is the only place he has that?

For those asking I would absolutely love for him to be more independent,learn coping mechanisms and get some CBT to help manage his temper etc but unfortunately my stumbling block are my parents mainly my father who is an abusive control freak who has to rule the roost with an iron fist;I strongly suspect my dad has undiagnosed autism too;my DB doesn't work because my parents haven't ever done anything to support him into work and have convinced him he wouldn't be able to hold down a job.

I'm LC with my parents;I've suggested things they could do to support my brother even research local things he can do eg the local autistic society have a group for young adults with ASD but I get ignored.

I think your best bet might be to get to know the gf. As she’s on fb could you invite her out for coffee, just get to know her a bit.
She could have sp needs herself.
She could be totally genuine, caring, kind and love your db.
She could be hoping his autism will provide a house and income via benefits.
She could be thinking your DB will inherit from parents.
Could literally be anything.
Try to get her onside by sounding her out.

Just need to make sure that she knows about autism and triggers and meltdowns. And coping mechanisms. He may be overly loving which is another end of the spectrum people don't realise .so he will probably be over sensitive to anything he sees as rejection .He will find certain aspects of relationships confusing . She might just be using him though which I fear. Get to know her and make sure she knows the asd list of do's and don'ts . Your father needs an assessment and they both need an asd support worker . His executive function will of course be poor and don't get on at him for something he literally cannot do without being prompted . He needs told to have a shower etc . Showers and baths can be painful sensory wise . Daily reminders for him to do these things is par for the course. You wouldn't get mad at a person in a wheelchair and tell them to walk when they can't. He can't do all these things for himself because his brain is wired not too .

My primary concern would be the potential for violence in a situation where there is a child involved, but realistically I don’t know what you can do other than warn her. She’s unlikely to believe you anyway if she really is in love with him.

This is a zombie thread now however the issues here are no longer an issue.

My brother broke it off last December with her;she was way too intense and was love bombing him.

She harassed him non stop after they broke up and he blocked her across everything and she then started harassing friends and family;it ended in the police having to ask her to leave him alone.

That immediate problem was solved but there may be another one.