Parents divorcing as an adult child

[Strawberrykissy]

I have tried to be strong for my mum when I have spoken to her, but I have been in tears all week privately.

I’m 31 and have moved back up north with my husband and new baby, mainly at my parents insistence because they wanted the baby to be in a family unit rather than down in ‘that London’ with no one around to help us. Unbeknownst to me, as my house sale and purchase was going through- my dad tried to split up with my mum. They then patched things up as they apparently wanted to support me and enjoy the the newborn, but 7 months on (this week)- my dad has said that he’s needed space.

He has form for cheating over the years, right from when I was a child to me catching him texting someone else when I was a student home from uni . I firmly don’t believe men like him leave unless they have somewhere else to go, and he’s been a bit cagey on the phone when I have had to drop off keys/collect things over the past month. my spidey senses are pinging. He was also emotionally and physically violent towards me and her as a child but I have tried to bury this and so has my mum, because it genuinely seemed to be a horrible chapter in history which had long finished.

My mum is so embarrassed and really wants to know either way what’s happening. She doesn’t want to tell people they are ‘on a break’. My line has basically been to take the choice out of his hands- they commit to some counselling or being divorce proceedings. She can’t dance to his tune. She doesn’t want the relationship to end and wants him to change his mind.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I have my symbolic wedding next year (we just had a registry office office do over covid and DH’s family couldn’t travel due to covid restrictions) and my baby’s baptism next month. It’s not my relationship but I’m mourning the illusion of my nuclear family so much. It’s made me confront the fact that my dad isn’t really a nice person at all, which is shattering.

He was the main one pushing us to move which had made me think that he has got me home to be a crutch for my mum so he feels less guilty. This is what hurts the most. I had friends, a life and a career in London which I gave up so my daughter could have a solid relationship with ‘nanny and grandad’ like I did when I grew up. I just feel so horribly blindsided.

Can someone provide me with some words of wisdom? I feel so ill and sorry for my poor mum, but selfishly just want the charade to continue and this all to
stop.

OP, you poor woman.

Your father is 100% abusive and has been a long time.

I think you have made a huge mistake leaving London to move to be close to such a man.

He clearly is setting you up to dump your mother on you.

I would think it is very likely he hopes the house will be sold and she can move in with you.

Your mother will have to make her own life choices.

She wants to remain with an abusive man.

You however have a new family and I think you have made a big mistake.

If you can reverse this in any way, do it.

I think you must be in a huge FOG (fear,obligation,guilt) to your father to be persuaded to leave your home, friends career, for a violent man.

You desperately need to get counselling to figure out why you would move your precious child nearer to him.

I feel for your husband in this.
How does he feel about you wanting to be closer to a man who was violent towards you?

You need to start thinking about what is best for your family, not the toxic one up north.

You cannot fix your mother or your father.

You cannot fix your family by moving closer to them.

You really need to re think this decision.

Your in danger of really spoiling the nice life you have built by really poor choices.

He's a wife and child beating liar who cheats.

Honestly, why you would want your precious child near that is beyond me.

My mum is a high earner and would have enough equity to buy a nice flat outright, or even get another mortgage if she wants another house so I don’t have any fears about her wanting to live with me.

She isn’t vulnerable in that aspect. She has stayed in the home and he has moved into his living quarters at his work (own business). I can imagine him letting him letting her keep the house with no stress to sell (obviously his equity intact). She could probably cover the mortgage just. He has never been miserly or financially abusive- even when they were split up he would never see her go without.

However, he has definitely has encouraged me to move so he feels less guilty.

I really feel for you OP. Two things stand out for me. The first is burying your memories of the abuse. I understand why you did this but the time when you have to face up to this and process it is now. You need to decide what relationship you and your child will have with your father in future - possibly no relationship at all. It might be for the best - you could end up with a better, more honest relationship with your parents separately. Counselling would probably help.

The second is that while I know you want to support your mum she is leaning on you quite heavily for emotional support, this is not fair and it's not for you to say for example that they need counselling or a divorce ultimatum. I would try and take a step back from the ins and outs of their relationship - that is for them to work out. Once the break comes (which sounds inevitable) you can step in to support your mum in whatever ways you feel able to. Do you have any siblings? Agree with pp that you should think seriously about moving back to London when the dust settles. It sounds like you built a good life away from a not particularly happy upbringing but have been dragged back in, which is really sad.

What Billy here has written.

BTW joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Your mother has chosen to stay with him also for her own reasons, thereby throwing you under the bus in the process.

Thanks for all of your replies so far. I just wanted to say my mum definitely has not been relying on me
for support. Quite the opposite. She is mortified, sorry if I feel conned into moving and desperately doesn’t want to infringe on our lives. I’m trying to provide her with some and she won’t take it. She has a good circle of friends and has been getting support from them.

I like to think that I have come out of the situation unscathed. Very nearly settled with a boring twat because he was the opposite of my dad, but saw the light.

My mum blames his past violence on his drinking. He doesn’t drink any more (received help for this) and there hasn’t been any DV since I was about 10- not trying to make excuses, just trying to be factual. Apart from the few bouts of grubby texting I genuinely thought they were happy now in their own toxic way. Their relationship has never been a more or a source of pride for me, but I have never felt the need to go non-contact with them. There have been no issues for 11 years and have seemed ok.

My mum needs to leave him. I’m just so sad her gamble didn’t pay off, for all of us. All of that misery and stress and trauma for him decide he needs some ‘space’ in his 60s. She could have long remarried and had more children by now.

regarding children- I’m terrified my dad is going to meet a younger woman who wants them. Terrified. I know I’m being irrational but i thought I was finally getting my nice family life that I should have had as child and now it’s all horrible fucked

cant just move back to London, I’m afraid. Thankfully it’s a nice, vibrant city and I still have some friends here. I haven’t moved back to a small village.