Can someone give my head a wobble?

[MandiY]

Been with my partner for nearly 7 months so new-ish relationship. Everything pretty good, no issues thus far. He's had a lot going on the last couple of weeks. Death in the family, been unwell etc kinda thing. He's been really distant with me and I've been respectful of this and am giving him time to process and recover from everything.

I'm just getting serious vibes though that he's avoiding me and wants to end things, even though they've been really good until now. Usually I would just ask but I haven't seen him in over a week and he has has a reason or excuse not to see me the last couple of times I've tried to make plans or asked if I can pop over for a brew. I've stopped asking now and will leave to him when he wants to see me.

Really unlike him but it's the first time I've seen him under and kind of stress so this might just be the way he reacts to things. I'm just driving myself crazy with anxiety as I really love being with him and just have this horrid guy feeling he's going to end it.

When I am stressed I just want to be around people and sometimes forget that other people might be the total opposite. My gut is usually wrong but on this occasion I just have a feeling. Help!

I’d send a message along the lines of……..

hi I understand things have been difficult for you lately but I am starting to feel like you are pulling away from me.

I don’t want to sound needy but I have feelings too and if you feel that you are no longer in the right place to continue seeing me then I would appreciate it if you told me sooner rather than later…….

op never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm

he is messing you around and you need an answer either way!

if he wants to remain with you and states that are you really going to tolerate being treat like an afterthought? I wouldn’t!!!

I feel like that would just sound really accusatory when actually it's in my head and he's just going through some stuff and needs to process.

Maybe give it another week and then send a message like the above if there is no change? You are still entitled to be treated with decency even if he's going through stuff.

I hate feeling so anxious about it is eating me up

Think I'd go with 'hey sweetheart, know things are tough right now and it's probably hard to process up from down. But I thought I best check - we are still OK?'

Don't sit about fretting. Take action.

Either ask him outright where he's at, or if you don't want to do that, which would be the mature thing to do, pull back and get on with other things and wait for him to come to you.

Really he's giving you an answer via his actions. Either he needs space and isn't at the point in the relationship with you to consider you his comfort, or he wants to end it.

So either ask or assume he's ended it, which it looks like he has yeah.

I don’t want to sound needy

Don't say this.

You are exactly as needy as you should be. You are the right level of needy for you. If you're too needy for him, then this isn't the relationship for either of you, and that's ok. Incompatibility, nobody's fault.

Don't worry about being needy. Tell him what you need. You don't have to do a diatribe or blame him for anything, or even say very much. Tell him you'd like to see him as you feel he's shutting you out. That's really all he needs to know. His response will tell you what you need to know.

Are you familiar with attachment styles? Sounds like you have the anxious style. Might be worth a google if you've never heard of them. It would explain why you can't just say, 'He's hurting, I'll pull back for a bit, until he's ready to come to me.'