I’ve posted before under other user names.
DP and I are struggling - we are in our 50s with one DC. Our sex life has been terrible over the last 10 years with very little activity. We have a very different view of sex as I knew at the beginning of the relationship but I ignored this major red flag.
Some of it is my fault I had a very early menopause and really didn’t feel like sex and coupled with dealing with a young child (DP not hands on parent), fulltime working, running house on my own, I was knackered and didn’t give the issue the attention I should have. He also has ED.
I have repeatedly found him on dating apps where he “had only been looking out of loneliness” but obviously he had done more, as he recently admitted and had been masturbating to messages from women. I have also found items that suggests he’s been physically unfaithful but he says are for masturbation purposes.
He’s been on about three or four dating sites that I’ve caught him out randomly due to his carelessness. I have tried to forgive and move forward for the sake of DC. He doesn’t seem to understand that doing that has completely pushed me away sexually, and that he needs to do more than just saying he won’t do it again.
The last straw came one weekend recently, when I went to speak to him to see an enormous pair of breasts on his laptop. He wasn’t ashamed of it but I said it was inappropriate on a Saturday afternoon with a child in the house. I suddenly realised that he has utterly no respect for me! I’m not sure he ever did.
I had an outburst recently and said I couldn’t go on in this relationship. He desperately wants us to continue but whilst he has said he wont do it again, he has not really given any major assurances he will not continue with dating apps! He has the what am I going to get out of it attitude… I’ve asked him to put on the family sharing so I can see what apps he has on his phone(that’s how I identified one dating app totally by accident). He said he would put this on but he hasn’t done it and when I asked him he said he would do it when he was ready. Initially when I said no more dating apps he said I don’t know if I can commit to that. It’s really quite staggering when I think of it I can hardly believe he had that reaction.
I can’t see how there could possibly be a way forward with him having this attitude. He wont change. I can’t leave right now DC will be doing major exams shortly, So I need to carry on for now. Also financially I’m not quite ready to split.
The question is how do I manage my anger and feelings during this time until I can get “my ducks in a row”? I know me being unhappy is not good for DC and I do try to put a brave face on it. Day today DP and I get on well but I’m just utterly devastated by his lack of respect for me. I have supported him so much over the years. He is very thoughtful and generous so he does have some good points. I’ve got some counselling booked which I hope will help.
During our argument recently it came to light that he had been giving money over last few months to somebody to help them out. He said this to make me think well of him, but all it has done is shown me that he doesn’t see me as a partner, because he would’ve discussed this with me first. The person he gave money to has not said to him was I supportive of this, so now I feel funny about that person too. I feel so betrayed.
Thanks for reading