Almost divorced but likely to keep paying his bills...

[Mightymama22]

I wrote a while back about my difficulty in divorced a narcissistic husband and posting here helped me a lot. I have since filed for no fault divorce and that is due in November.
He seems to now be more accepting its over - I first told him 10 months ago but since then it's been a rollecoaster as he was depressed and unemployed so I had to "survive" his aggressiveness and difficult temper to avoid a disaster divorce, for the kids sake. He now is better and working but earning too little to support himself and help towards kids bills. Topping up his income with possible is not viable as he has savings and I agree he shouldn't touch them (we are not from UK so dont have a pension pot, so the savings are for another time).
I've always been main breadearner and honestly don't care about money now, I just want the divorce and to have some freedom with him out of the house, so I have agreed I'll buy him out of house so he can buy something for him (we are still living together), and still give him some extra cash for as long as he needs and I can afford... I think if he is worried and miserable he will make my life a looot harder and I don't care or need much money. Just want him out and divorce finalised with as little stress as possible! I also think its best to waste money on him, as dad to kids (15 and 12) then on solicitors and an expensive fighting divorce...
We had a business together he never really contributed much towards, but he now says wants a chance to help and (obviously) keep a 40% share of it. In a way, if he does help it at least makes me feel better about keeping sending him money and probably spending same I would to hire someone "trustworthy".
I guess I just want some validation to see if I'm going nuts and giving in too much??
Deep down I'd prefer a clean break and have the least amount of interaction with him as possible, he's been emotionally abusive for years (still is...) but we'll always have to interact for kids and i want peace so need to compromise... Also don't want him to be broke and risk getting depressed and aggressive again, and as long as he is working, even if earning little, it shows willingness and I hope when kids are 18+ there can be a different conversation.... But I feel manipulated by him yet again and there is a lot of what I am agreeing to which is out of fear. I hate fighting and he makes me unbelievably tense and stressed when confronts me for the stupidest reasons, it's me still walking on egg shels but with a bit more freedom to hopefully one day meet someone very different...
Has anyone been through something similar??
I guess many higher earning men pay support to exs very often so maybe its just how it is?
Thanks for reading and looking forward to your wisdom thoughts ;)

Do not do this. See a solicitor and seek a clean break. It will be better for you, your children and ultimately him. I can understand that you feel guilty, want to be supportive and don't want to rock the boat but you have to. Divorce is a bit like pregnancy. You either are or you're not. You can't be a little bit divorced. Be brave. See a solicitor today and protect yourself and your children not your husband.

But doing this means he is still emotionally abusing you, as well as financially.

clean break, don’t look back.

I agree with oldest. Don't have a deal which leaves you involved with him financially post-divorce. I think he is manipulating the situation to keep control over you.

Try to reach an agreement which results in no ties whatsoever apart from the children, which you can't really do anything about. No returning to the family home for visits. No financial entanglements.

No, no, no.

If you agree to support him indefinitely then you are giving him a stick with which to beat you. Can't have the kids as you don't pay me enough etc.

Plus if you start paying him spousal maintenance (which is in effect what you'd be doing), what happens when you have had enough and want to stop? It leaves the door open for him to potentially come after more money in the future as you've set a precedent. No guarantee you couldn't get it sorted in court but you leave yourself open to protracted and messy legal proceedings.

Bite the bullet and get a clean break now.

No don’t do this. You need a clean break. He needs to support himself. By all means buy him out of the house but that would be it. If you want to break free from him then the suggestion you pose will not work, and he will continue to abuse you via money.

What you are describing is not a clean break or divorce, it sounds like him moving out but continuing to influence control and be a major part of your life.
It could be that you are so enmeshed in his control or influence that you are not seeing the wood for the trees. It sounds like if you do what you describe you wooo be forever linked to Him and for ever under his influence.

I d suggest a good solicitor. Put up with the pain and aggro now for a relatively short period of time, so in the long run you are free and can live a separate
Life.

Do not let him have 40 percent or any percent of your business. Shut down and start again rather than that !

In 2/3 years you will hardly ever need to be in touch with him given the ages of your kids ! Imagine the life without any or very rare contact and him never having a reason to accuse control or ask you for more

sorry you are creating a mess which probably will return to bite you. Plus no judge will sign off any of this without assurances you have both taken legal advice. Which neither of you seem to have done.

Plenty of people don’t need to spend a lot on lawyers because they have a good idea about what is legal, reasonable and fair. You absolutely don’t.

Again a judge needs to sign off any settlement. They won’t sign off anything like this without assurances of independent legal advice for both parties. No lawyer would advise either of you to do this. Your situation is complicated and won’t be easy to resolve. My reading is that he is entitled to a lot more than you are offering. A judge will suspect assets are not being declared by both sides.

Without a court ordered settlement he will continue to have a claim on the marital assets because a divorce in itself doesn’t settle the money or Co parenting arrangements. These are the tricky and time consuming parts.

Thanks all
I suspected you'd say that :(
But even if I don't love him, we were together for 18 years and it feels heartless to just say whatever, I don't hate him or mean him any harm, specially if he has kids 50%, I want them to have a good time together... I will need someone on my company anyway, and if it gives him some peace of mind so his time with kids is more enjoyable, and it would make our communication on kids arrangements etc easier if I have a bit of a hold on him too with helping me with money (I could pull it any minute if he pisses me off, and he knows how to make things very stresful)...
We have no one in the country, hardly any friends, and he really cant live on just over £1000/mo...?!
We will split our assets 50/50 for the settlement.
The business sure, if he pisses me off I will just close and open a new alone... But I feel to get through the first phase of getting divorce signed, assets split and him out of the house (which he only just agreed to...) it's what it takes so I dont need to go to solicitors for a "fight". For years I thought I wouldn't have the courage to even say I wanted divorce, so it feels like even if I'm helping him, I'm helping myself A LOT already... perfect is the enemy of good... I know I'm kinda paying for freedom and peace...

He is a grown man OP he is not your responsibility - you need to pull back.

And spousal maintenance is rarer than you think - it is normally when one partner has had career prospects held back to stay at home with the family and supported the others career. In effect enabled it to happen so deserve a share. This has not ahppened here

@Quartz2208 so he could say that he dropped his good career in our home country to come to UK because I wanted, and now Im leaving him alone with no prospect, fam, friends... His mental health is important for me so kids have less disruption through it all, money is just money... If we were in our home country a clean break would be a lot more realistic as he would have his mum support, could move into her house which is huge, and would have an okay job...

I guess many higher earning men pay support to exs very often

No they don’t, not in this country at least and certainly not open ended. I really think you should do this properly, through the courts. You’re creating a very messy situation where you will be worse off financial because you’re basically paying him to play nice. You say you can withdraw it at any time, but let’s be real, you won’t want to deal with his tantrum if you did that, that’s the whole reason you’re paying him in the first place,

Clean break but be fair I'd personally buy him out of the business too, you want complete control and then you can get on with the rest of your life.

Sadly narcissists rarely support their families after separation. If he is a narcissist you want to keep him at arms length. Post separation abuse is a very real thing. I have lots of useful info about toxic relationships on my Instagram feed - suzyburrowsdivorce_coach. I have been through something very similar and now help others.

see a lawyer. Don’t give him anything you don’t have to.

just because he moved country to be with you how can you be sure you are responsible for his future earnings?

if you start paying him money and later want to stop it you might find a judge will think your husband is accustomed to living this way and you can afford it. Judge might also think you have used him in your business and discarded him

your ideas are not good. Please seek advice. Even if it costs £600 it’ll be the best £600 you’ve ever spent!!

Clean break

That is exactly what the divorce is for

Do not make him part of your business

Can you buy him out of the business then he’s got money to live on until he finds a job?

Your dc is 12. In 6 years time or even sooner they will be deciding what type of relationship they want with their Dad and your interaction with him will end. But getting him into your business, paying him maintenance means it will never end. If you meet someone else he will up the ante and you might as well be still married to him. Get a solicitor and stop feeling sorry for this guy as he is responsible for the fact you are divorcing. If he had been even a half decent dh/ df you would not be going down this route.
You are taking responsibility for the dc..that's enough.

why do you allow abusive man to be fed by you ?