Sex with ex - what to do?

[CreatingHavoc]

Me and my ex live quite close to each other. We have 2 dc who he sees almost every day as he will usually pop round and help with bedtime most evenings. Things were awful in our relationship for a long time for many reasons but about 2 weeks before he was due to move out we miraculously started getting on well again. He moved out about 6 months ago and we are amicable. I was having a hard time with various things for a while after he moved out and he was there to support me. I feel I can actually talk to him more now that we are not together. But things got quite emotional when he was round one evening and we ended up having sex. Then it happened again. And again. And now it's becoming a regular thing. And it's bringing back the old feelings of being at the beginning of relationship. The excitement is back, the sex is amazing and I've even started to feel attracted to him again. But....

I'm finding myself thinking, what are we doing? Is this a mistake? I don't think he has ever stopped loving me but I really did not like him for a long time to the point where I couldn't bare to be around him. If we ever spent the day out as a family he would infuriate me by the end of the day. I've always loved him but for a long time I haven't been in love with him. But that seems to be changing and we have said I love you to each other a few times, normally after sex but it feels genuine. I look forward to seeing him now, whereas I didn't before.

I guess I don't know how to proceed. Do we just continue as we are for a while and see how it goes? Or should I end the sex and move on properly? We were together for 7 years and the only time it was good, really properly good, was when we didn't live together. Everything went pear shaped after we moved in together while I was pregnant with dd1 and never really recovered. So part of me is thinking what's the point if we can't live together, the relationship won't go anywhere.

Btw, we aren't affectionate with each other in front of the dc, because that would be confusing for them. So they are none the wiser.

Well you need to sit down and talk for starters. Find out what each other thinks is happening. Sometimes relationships fall apart because as women we tend to be so good at care taking everyone but especially our kids. Then we find selves expecting and not understanding why the guy can't just act like we do! Not appreciating they have their own thoughts and views. Sometimes they are just so slow, we think, at tasks we could do with our hands tied behind our backs. Lol! So you will know the source of your own irritation with him when the two of you have tried living together. Couples can vary their living arrangements etc but loyalty and respect for one another are key. What do you think?

My first thought was 'No don't do this' but I'm not so sure having thought a little more. Families come in all shapes and sizes and so do marriages. If you can talk honestly with each other and effectively parent together by not living together then why not? Just go slowly and protect your finances.

Thanks, I have wondered about whether to just keep things as they are as things are working right now. I think if it carries on being good then I would want to be outwardly more of a couple. But then that would be confusing for dc. But I'm also not sure if it's worth pursuing a relationship with someone I know I can't live with. I'd like to be able to live with someone again eventually. Not right now obviously as it's far too soon since we split and I'm not really interested in finding a new partner yet. Which is probably why me and ex have become close again. It's familiar and we are comfortable with each other.

If you don't know what to do, do nothing until you do know what to do. Brilliant tactic. Just tell him you want to pause things for a while whilst you get your head straight.

What do you think he'll say in response?

I guess I could suggest that. Although I'm quite enjoying the attention and the sex, hah!

I think if I suggested it he would be totally fine with it. He'd probably stil try it on after a while though because, well, he's a bloke.

I think my problem is that I never know what I want. I always think I want the opposite of what I have. The grass it always greener etc. I know the relationship with my ex was not good for the majority of the time. But I don't know if that's just down to the both of us carrying trauma from childhood and past relationships. I'm starting to wonder if it could have worked, had we both tried a bit harder.

Just don't move in together if you do decide to give it another go.

'Both worked a bit harder'

Do you think he's changed & would work a bit harder?'

I think in some ways you're better to walk away really, but it might depend on why you stopped being in love with him. How he actually behaved. In what ways he let you down. If he was nasty at all? Controlling?

Dont settle for a life if 'less' just to be with him. If you want to live with someone & have a full relationship, don't settle for living apart just to be with him (he's not greater than you life desires).

what happened on 'days out'? Could you do that now? I don't think it'll confuse the kids anymore than him popping in almost every day.

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination I honestly don't know if he's changed. I doubt it really. I think we both have co-dependent tendencies and he is a bit narcissistic at times. Inflated sense of self importance and massive ego. He craves affirmation and attention. I, on the other hand, am quite an anxious person, quite high need in terms of reassurance and validation but I also crave attention. I'm not particularly confident and I have low self esteem. I think we are both a bit messed up mentally and this made for a difficult relationship.

On days out, the thing that would bother me the most is how he always puts his own needs before others. Or if for any reason he can't do that then he complains about it repeatedly. He also gets grumpy if he doesn't have his 'medicinal herb' available. He's used cannabis as a coping mechanism for years in order to quieten down his brain. I suspect he is ADHD or similar and needs something to literally switch off his brain and calm him down. It's all such a mess really.

There's a lot more to what went wrong in our relationship and I should have ended it a long time ago really. I think writing all this down has made me realise that I'm glossing over all the shitty things he's done. He once got so angry at me that he scared the dc and they hid. I can't let that happen again. Although, it was a few years ago now and he's never done anything like that since. I wanted to end it then but he talked me round or I talked myself round. However, I am not innocent in all of this as I ended up having feelings for a friend (nothing actually happened) who I no longer have contact with.

So as you can see, it's all rather a mess!

None of this is a good sign for getting back into a relationship with him. In order for that to be a good idea, every single one of these issues would have to be resolved with proper communication and real commitment to change, especially on his part. I'm not holding my breath on that front.

You're in a FWB situation with him. Don't get it confused with have any more potential than that.

I think FWB situations like this can work if you're both scratching an itch, but given that it seems to be sparking actual feelings for you, I'd advise to let it go.

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Why don't you both do individual and then couples therapy. You can just keep doing what you are doing or you can plan it a bit more. You could do therapy and decide that in six months you will make a decision about moving forward or not. I don't think you want to stay in this limbo indefinitely - it isn't good for anyone. Make a plan and a timeframe and see where you are at then.

Since you have kids together and things are going well, it is worth it to see if there is a salvageable relationship there or not.

Yes, it does doesn't it. I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship.

As @FitbyFifty said,i think some therapy is needed. I'm due to have cbt soon for my anxiety issues but I think need proper counselling tbh. And so does he.

He once got so angry at me that he scared the dc and they hid. I can't let that happen again. Although, it was a few years ago now and he's never done anything like that since

You're considering a relationship with someone who has form for frightening your kids. How can you even find him attractive? Were your parents abusive to each other?

@Watchkeys honestly, I don't know. I have issues, clearly. I just read one of your comments on another thread and it hit quite hard. Nobody has respected me, ever.

My mum married an alcoholic when I was 7 so yeah, childhood was deeply unpleasant at times. I have a rocky relationship with my mum now. She doesn't like my youngest daughter and has been quite horrible to her and to me. She is now a casual alcoholic herself and yet she criticises me constantly.

I'm with @Watchkeys on this, he was so nasty to you that your children were frightened enough to hide? Don't even think about getting back together with him, and he must be a god in the sack to be f*cking him after he did that.

I left my XH, with help from Watchkeys and others on here, after many years of him doing that kind of stuff, and my DC are now visibly more relaxed and happy...get yourself some therapy (meant kindly!) and sort your head out, you and the kids deserve much, much better.

It’s ok to feel the way you do.

please don’t move back in together

you are both dysfunctional and therapy really would be beneficial

Nobody has respected me, ever

They can, and today. Let it start now. The only person who needs to respect you is you. Once that's up and running, anyone who doesn't respect you will get very short shrift from you, and you won't allow them into your life.

I found it useful to imagine a person (you can pick someone you know, or someone from a film or from a book you read, anyone) who's extremely self confident. Someone no-nonsense, who just laughs and says 'Ha! No chance!' when someone tries to do something disrespectful to them. Then I imagined them, and what their response would be, in my situations and relationships. It provides a good example of a different way of approaching your issues; not necessarily the 'right' way, but a suggestion that there are different paths you could take.

Think of the most self confident person you can. What would they do, in your shoes?

@northerncrumpet i think I'm just enjoying the closeness and intimacy that wasn't there for so much of the relationship. The sex is good but I will have to forego it if I'm ever going to move on I think. I don't do very well when I'm single but I know I need to be. I just can't seem to set boundaries very well. We are quite enmeshed and I can feel like I need him and his support a lot of the time. Sometimes I feel like we've not really split up properly, even though we have.

I just can't seem to set boundaries very well

What do you think it is that you should be doing, that you fail to do, re boundaries?

@Watchkeys thanks for the advice. I will try and do that. Re boundaries, I can't seem to say no a lot of the time. Largely because of my own insecurity and anxiety I think.

I have to go to work now but I will be back on later. Thanks everyone for all the advice.

That's OK. Boundaries, amazingly, aren't about saying no. They aren't ways of telling other people how you want them to behave or not behave.

Boundaries 101: Tell the person who crossed your boundary, once, clearly, calmly, kindly, that when they did x, you felt y. So 'When you stood on my toe, it hurt me.' 'When you called me a dick, I felt upset.' 'When you broke your promise, it made me feel that I couldn't trust your word.' That's it. That's all you ever have to say with a boundary. One sentence, spoken once.

If the person exhibits the same behaviour again, knowing how it makes you feel, then you leave. People who cross your boundaries are not people who need to learn how to behave properly; they are people who need to take their behaviour somewhere else, away from you, where it can't hurt you. And they are not responsible for this: you are. You are responsible for the company you keep.

So if you decide to spend your time with someone who's got you posting on forums, then you'll likely spend your time posting on forums a lot. If you decide to spend your time with someone who makes you feel like smiling, then you'll likely smile a lot.

They're your boundaries, for you to uphold. Choose your people according to your feelings. Don't try to bend your feelings so that they fit in with people.

You say things suddenly got better two weeks before he was due to move out and are now better - this suggests to me that you were incompatible in that relationship, and once the decision was made that he would move out you were both relieved and relaxed a bit.
Thinking back to the time where you say you really didn't like him for a long time and couldn't bear to be around him, and if you had a day out he would infuriate you by the end of the day. What was it that you didn't like, how was he infuriating you - what was going on then?
Maybe he's changed and developed and is a new person now who would be a better partner. Or maybe being single has led him to make an effort. I can't say if you should pursue a relationship again, but my worry would be that you're both making all the efforts now to pay each other attention, make each other feel loved, then once he's moved back in you both revert to previous ways.
Think about whether it's specifically him that you love and want, or whether it's the loving relationship you want and he just happens to be there offering it. If it's a relationship you want but not him, you're never going to find someone else while you are still sleeping with him.
Finally word of advice, make sure you are both using contraception!

@Watchkeys thanks for that on boundaries. I'm not very good at upholding my own boundaries but I will try harder. I tend to avoid conflict and keep my mouth shut. I think probably due to my childhood and a previous relationship that was abusive.

@Adultchildofelderlyparents i don't think he's changed at all. We tried a few days out over the summer with the girls and he always bothers me. He's just so negative and always has something he's annoyed about. I've had much nicer days out with just me and the girls.
I think you are right in that if we tried again we would just fall back in to our old ways. Things are better now for a reason. We should probably stop being intimate. I need to be firmer with setting boundaries but it makes me very nervous.