Housework: can I reasonably expect him to contribute?

[Bedtimeteatime]

Still working part-time after our youngest child started school this September. I plan to build up to full time again eventually but I'm working 3 days a week for now whilst I weigh up whether to apply for other jobs or top up with work and stay in the job I'm in.

We have a fairly large 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom house with a hall, lounge, dining room, kitchen, utility room and very large lean-to on the back which is about the size of the dining room, kitchen and utility room put together.

I am using my days off to clean the house and do exercise classes. I also do all school drop offs and three pick ups per week. DH tends to use the weekends to exercise/socialise whilst I'm trying to use time on my days off to do this so that I can spend time with the children as much as possible at weekends.

I also cook most of our meals, arrange all appointments, do school admin (apart from the financial part which he does), do all the clothes buying, sorting, decluttering, food planning, online shops, home decor, sorting, playdates etc.

DH takes them to an activity on a weekend morning and gives them breakfast everyday, he will also load the washing machine at weekends but this is about it.

I have pulled my back vacumming and mopping the house this morning and cleaning the lower cupboard fronts and I was unable to go to my exercise class. I ran some errands instead and didn't get the chance to eat any lunch by the time I needed to collect the children from school and I still have lots to do which will have to wait now until my next day off.

Before DC2 started school, I did most of the housework but DH would vacuum the whole house each week and I found it v helpful. However, I feel like I should be doing it all now that I'm at home 2 days a week whilst he is at work and the children are at school.

But I am finding it a lot! There is so much that needs doing in the house after 5 years of having little children at home, I feel like I'm barely touching the sides.

Reasonably, what can I expect DH to do domestically if at all considering thay I'm at home two days a week?

If you're off 2 days while he's working full time, then you should do 2 day's extra worth of chores. That doesn't mean fitting everything in to two days, it means doing two sensible days worth of stuff. Everything left at the end should be split in half

We are similar I work 3 days he work 5 - so the chores are split in a similar way around 70/30

At the moment you are working 3 days doing all the admin the majority of the housework the majority of the childcare

he works 5 days and does DH takes them to an activity on a weekend morning and gives them breakfast everyday, he will also load the washing machine at weekends but this is about it.

So yes it is unfair and he needs to start doing more

Yes you should do more housework than he does, and he’s not doing enough at the moment. Sounds like it’s not possible to get the whole house cleaned on your 2 days off so he needs to help with what needs doing still on the weekends

I you do what you can in your two days off, but what's not completed then gets split 50/50

What does your DH do @Quartz2208 ?

I'd honestly just be happy of he took over the vacuuming. He also unloads the dishwasher everyday- forgot to add.

We both share the morning routine - he drops DD off a her friends house (And then does a run she is Yr 9) I do DS. I do all the pick ups for DS (Yr 5).

Then I do the dusting, bathroom cleaning, bedroom tidying and the vast majority of the admin (including finances). I did all the cooking and planning of that but DD has started helping/doing that as her chore. I do the pet stuff (rabbits)

DH vacuums, the washing and the washing up though we share the kitchen floor.

I think your guilt about having 2 days means you feel you should do everything but that isnt fair. Those 2 days can handle the deep clean stuff and any errands/admin but a lot of tasks are constant during the week. Those we do tend to split.

So work out what are the once a week big tasks and do then. Then the things that need doing every day and split them as well. DH sometimes does forget that the reason everything is always tidy and clean apart from the kitchen is because I keep it that way

Would he pay for 2-3 hours cleaning a week?

I live in a similar sized house. I can clean it all in 3 hours. How much cleaning are you doing?
I live by myself, work full time and have a messy 12 year old.
I've got a robot hoover and set Godfrey to work upstairs. He's not perfect, but I like the fact that he does the hovering whilst I sit watching TV! 😂

Cleaning a house does not take 2 full days a week. I'd suggest you lower your standards. Do you mean you are doing more sorting/decluttering/decorating/refurbishing tasks? If so, reassess how much you really want to do these.

IMO you should do the main house clean over one of your days' off and perhaps the laundry. Then you should split cooking and other incidental tasks in the evenings and weekends.

Sounds like he does fuck all. Why isn't he cooking or doing any housework on the days you work, in the evening?

He mainly washes up/loads the dishwasher if I cook @youlooklikeapenis but never cleans the sides down or the sink afterwards (he leaves it scummy!!) So aI always have to finish off anyway because I'm sick of nagging him to do a proper job.

No it doesn't take 2 days to clean the house @sheepdogdelight and I don't try to. As stated in OP, I also do an exercise class on those days (he does his exercise and socail activities at weekends and I do childcare so he can). I'm catching up on jobs that haven't been done since kids were little in addition to basic cleaning- rugs washing, curtains, decluttering, reorganising, sorting through wardrobes and drawers, that sort of thing, so it's not just about the basic run of the mill cleaning such as vacuuming and dusting. I guess,once I'm on top of it all, that will change. But I am trying to catch up after neglecting these jobs for 6 years through having little ones at home with me.

Do you include tidying up within that 3 hours @B1rd ? How many windows are in your lean-to? We have 12. It is 8 metres by 6 so equivalent to an extra 2 large rooms.

3 hours wouldn't touch the sides here.

Get a robust floor mopping/ carpet robotic vacuum cleaner from Aldi-absolute game changer!
Ask a person who likes techie stuff to set it up and if that person happens to be male you will never have to worry about vacuuming and the prep for it and the frequency of it getting done ( now daily- programmed when he is there to 'oversee') 😂

Likewise get everyone involved in keeping the house tidy- team effort- it's not a hotel so everyone should have responsibilities. Break down daily, weekly, monthly and yearly tasks and ask everyone to put their initials next to each task then it can be clearly seen how to balance it so it is fair.

Reward everyone with a day trip or some fun event or let the 'rewards' build up for a family holiday. You get the picture. Have a common goal. Great way to start children young with the idea of a family team and pitching in.

This is how my DH and DC see it and they are all helpful and thoughtful and this is important for me as a feminist that it's not all left for the female of the family to do.

It's very important for DC to see their dads pitching in.

Definitely study.

Asking someone to not further their career in case a messier house tips them over the edge into a breakdown is insane. If the kids are out at childcare more the house will be tidier anyway.

If a messy house genuinely upsets him that much then it's something he needs to work on not you (and sounds like he is).

But clearly it's not about the mess it's about you growing as a person and in his eyes possibly away from him. He seems to have forgotten that you're your own person with your own wants and needs. He seems to think that his wants and needs trump yours because he is the higher earner...which to me just reinforces the fact you need to get on with your career to get a bit more equality back in the relationship. Surely you earning more can only help with his work stress