Online dating early days

[summersunshine46]

I’ve been through quite a traumatic time recently and decided in the middle of it all to go on an online date (so not the best timing) First couple of times I seen him very confident, few red flags (or maybe me being cautious - im not sure ) Then this weekend I spent quite a bit of time with him and I seen him in a completely new light. Seems a lot more genuine and seemed a little more unsure of himself like he was nervous and really trying to make an effort. He told me a number of times that he likes me although always after alcohol. I haven’t let on I like him as it’s way too soon (even though I really do)

I’ve never really been interested in anyone I’ve been on dates with, but I am with him. Anyway after really nice weekend and lots of messaging last night he’s gone completely silent, no messages nothing. He’s clicked on my stories on Facebook, he’s been online all day.

I feel stupid for even being bothered, and I don’t want to message him again as I was the last one to send message and would feel ridiculous talking about this in real life with friends!

Has anyone else experienced this or can offer some insights?

Hi @summersunshine46 I havent experienced this but would imagine its uncommon scenario.
Take a deep breath and detach a bit until things are real (this guy or any next).
People are complicated beings, life is complicated, but its definitely not a reflection on you. Whatever his reasons are think how this is making you feel.
Dont feel stupid, feel brave for getting yourself out there.

You said there were a 'few red flags'. Any red flags means stop. Do not go there. So stop.

OP – sounds like the ball’s in your court now. He’s made some tentative effort to let you know he likes you. He’s waiting for you to give him a clue you like him.

So yeah, if you don’t want to progress this, carry on as you are, accept that you had a nice time with him but don’t want to progress it any further.

If you do, reach out to him because your silence is signalling lack of interest to him. Yet you say to us you like him.

How much chasing do you want him to do before you feel brave enough to let your guard down?

You say you're recently out of a traumatic situation so maybe you aren't ready to date yet (but you're enjoying the attention/it's soothing to a wounded soul).

Sounds to me that he is feeling vulnerable/ has opened up and is now feeling exposed and not sure how you are feeling about things.

With regards to the red flags, if there are red flags don't go there. If you aren't sure if they are red flags or your own fears /wariness, tread carefully and reassess in a month and then another month, and let him know you like him but are taking things slowly.

If he only expresses he likes you after a few drinks and now he's gone completely silent, I wouldn't want to try with a man like this. He doesn't want to be open with you.

You were the last to message so he knows it's down to him to contact you.

few red flags (or maybe me being cautious - im not sure

How do you, personally, decide what is and isn't a red flag, @summersunshine46 ? What process do you use? How do you measure things on the 'red flag' scale?

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-when-to-bail-out-red-flags/

This is a good start.

@summersunshine46 did you sleep with him? If yes I know why he's gone silent. None of this "feeling vulnerable" BS please he just got what he wants

He told me he liked me when he had a drink, but then he also told me the next day when he was sober.
I may be super sensitive and I think I'm deliberately looking for red flags, but so far...
He was married for a very very brief period which only ended a couple of months ago but he was with the woman for a very long time.
He likes to drink a lot of alcohol and go on nights out and loose things like bank cards etc. But I'm putting this down to him having a traumatic year (he's been through a lot)
All his friends are female
He's always on his phone till early hours and gets up late most days

@forgotoldusername I did sleep with him the first two times. But the third time when I went to his house over the weekend we spent quite a bit of time together and did not sleep together.

@summersunshine46 an alcoholic immature man child? No thank you. And I've had some traumatic experiences in my life and I know people who had bad experiences including loss of a child (not me) and they didn't behave like this. I would pass