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Original poster

Ruined by an almost emotional affair?

16 replies

WinOutdoors · 03/10/2022 19:12

Years ago, nearly two decades ago, I had a colleague who became a good friend and then a bit more than that. We realised quite early that things weren't right and stepped right back. I see him rarely now, but when I do he's like one of those old friends you don't see for years but then it's like you've never been apart.

We got a grip of the EA thing (after a long time with barely any contact) and are genuinely old friends now. I don't have any romantic picture of him at all.

I am now single. He's still married. I have quite a wide social circle separate to him which includes quite a few male friends/ acquaintances, some of whom may be up for something more.

However, I find myself judging them against old friend. He is funny, intelligent, kind. The sort of person you can have a good political debate about, get quite heated but never actually risk falling out with. Someone who your cheeks ache from laughing at the end of a night out and who you know would find a way to help a time of crisis. Also great fun on the dance floor and despite everything, very loyal to his wife.

Of the four men paying me most attention lately (that sounds much more exciting than it is 😆) there are:

  • Well educated, entertaining man you can have an intelligent conversation with, but who can turn nasty, especially when he's had a drink
  • Kind man, desperate to make everything right etc, but dull as dishwater
  • Enthusiastic dancer, kind and reliable, but not a clue if you try to talk about anything except football
  • Very funny entertainer type man with a history of being really horrible to his exes.

The only one I'm considering even half seriously is the dancer (I do like football!), but I feel like everyone I meet gives a little of old friend but not enough. I have genuinely got to anyplace where I don't want him and am pleased he seems happy in his marriage, but I'm driving myself mad looking for him in another from iyswim

Or maybe that's good and no woman should settle for anything less?

OP posts:
stickynoter · 03/10/2022 19:24

I wouldn't "settle" for any of these men. Why do you need to choose one of the 4 men currently giving you the most attention

Hold off until you meet the right man for you

PineOrange · 03/10/2022 19:30

Hold off until you meet the right man for you

Yeah, I agree, preferably one that will have EA's whilst with you as that seems to be the type you go for and look upto in a relationship.

Keep looking, there's plenty of them out there.

Original poster
WinOutdoors · 03/10/2022 19:30

stickynoter · 03/10/2022 19:24

I wouldn't "settle" for any of these men. Why do you need to choose one of the 4 men currently giving you the most attention

Hold off until you meet the right man for you

I'm not going to settle for any of them, I'm not particularly looking for anyone to settle with, just someone to get out and about have sex with and have some fun for the time being.

OP posts:
Original poster
WinOutdoors · 03/10/2022 19:31

PineOrange · 03/10/2022 19:30

Hold off until you meet the right man for you

Yeah, I agree, preferably one that will have EA's whilst with you as that seems to be the type you go for and look upto in a relationship.

Keep looking, there's plenty of them out there.

2 decades ago and it never happened?

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 03/10/2022 19:40

Just be careful you don’t have rose colour glasses on. You saw him at his best, and it’s easy to think he’s like that all the time. He might get home and not say 2 words, be awful with money, he might pick his nose, doesn’t cook but wants dinner every night. You just don’t know and it’s easy to think he’s perfect because you had an attraction that didn’t go any further.

Original poster
WinOutdoors · 03/10/2022 19:43

Lollypop701 · 03/10/2022 19:40

Just be careful you don’t have rose colour glasses on. You saw him at his best, and it’s easy to think he’s like that all the time. He might get home and not say 2 words, be awful with money, he might pick his nose, doesn’t cook but wants dinner every night. You just don’t know and it’s easy to think he’s perfect because you had an attraction that didn’t go any further.

Oh I'm sure, yes. That's why it bothers me. I have this image of a man whom probably doesn't exist and everyone else is marked against him. But OTOH, why would I want a man who doesn't have all those things?

OP posts:
Shortpoet · 03/10/2022 19:55

This might sound like an odd question, but try it.

You have this ideal in your head about what you want from a relationship. At the moment you have everything you want represented in your life but in the form of having it split across different men.
If you could find all those traits in one man, what would be the upside, and what would be the downside of that?

Original poster
WinOutdoors · 03/10/2022 19:58

Shortpoet · 03/10/2022 19:55

This might sound like an odd question, but try it.

You have this ideal in your head about what you want from a relationship. At the moment you have everything you want represented in your life but in the form of having it split across different men.
If you could find all those traits in one man, what would be the upside, and what would be the downside of that?

I'm rubbish at casual sex so I can't have all of them and in any case the upsides of most are really not enough to compensate for the downsides.

OP posts:
Shortpoet · 03/10/2022 20:01

I’m not sure I understand your answer. I meant if you found a 5th man that had everything you wanted what would be the upside and what would be the downside of that?

Original poster
WinOutdoors · 03/10/2022 20:03

Shortpoet · 03/10/2022 20:01

I’m not sure I understand your answer. I meant if you found a 5th man that had everything you wanted what would be the upside and what would be the downside of that?

No I don't understand either. My concern is that that's what I'm looking for and it probably doesn't exist.

OP posts:
PineOrange · 03/10/2022 20:07

Yeah, find a new man, stop harping back to the past and the connections that go with it.

Cast the net a bit further.

strawberrysea · 03/10/2022 20:22

It doesn't sound as if you like any of those men that you described, or am I missing something?

cabansunset · 03/10/2022 20:23

Your EA old friend is a cheater...not the perfect partner at all.

ganvough · 04/10/2022 00:13

despite everything, very loyal to his wife.

Not sure about this. An EA is still a betrayal, especially if he never told her. And if he did, I can't imagine how much insecurity that must have caused in her - what an awful way to live, wondering if he'll do the same with other friends and colleagues. Extra marital sex is not the only thing that hurts, your partner sharing an intimacy with someone else that should just be yours is as painful. So he may be a good friend, but I'd argue he's a not great partner. If you were in his wife's place, I imagine you'd have a different view of him.

Comparison is the thief of joy. It's best to accept people as they are, and judge whether they make you happy on their own merits. If you like the dancer, give him a chance and see if there's more depth to him. If not, the search continues. But your friend is not perfection - chatting about politics, being funny and charming are all fab qualities. But I do find a lot of people like this always need an audience and can be a little exhausting to live with - so pick partners accordingly. I think what makes a good friend, doesn't necessarily make a good partner.

ganvough · 04/10/2022 00:24

The sort of person you can have a good political debate about, get quite heated but never actually risk falling out with.

It would be very different if you were his partner. He might be a lot more aggressive, stubborn or vindictive if it's a wife arguing. Might even be the sort of guy who doesn't want an opinionated woman as a wife - but appreciates it in a friend. In relationships you take things more personally and there's deeper emotions involved - so you're more likely to fall out over differing opinions. Definitely not a good barometer of compatibility.

JustKittenAround · 04/10/2022 03:09

Your list of men sound like throwbacks to me as well. Toss them back and move on to others who might be better? They aren’t doing it for you, it almost doesn’t even matter why.

As for the almost emotional affair, if he’s a good guy then get yourself that. Stop wasting time thinking about those who don't fit your standards. It would only be a problem if you in your deepest of hearts wanted this almost emotional affair guy. Then you’d need to go get your head checked because he wants his wife and not you… as you know. As you respect and would want in a man as well right?

Nothing that makes you keep high standards for yourself is bad. But just shuffle right on. Men are everywhere. If you have some sort of thought about this married man who has made it clear he is about his wife, then you need to sort that out.

It is literally commonplace to have the list of men who don’t fit multiplied a few times when dating. It’s how it goes. Not special or weird, trust me.

Keep your high standards and cast the net wider. Get a man who fits the bill and is as about you as almost emotional affair guy is about his wife.

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