To beg for someone to talk to

[tryingandfailing2]

Hey guys,

I'm at rock bottom. I'm lying in bed crying so hard it feels like I need to scream. Everything is too much.

I posted under another username about leaving my abusive ex at the end of August. Since then I have found out some awful awful awful lies he told me through our entire relationship. I am broken and weak.

I've been off work for over a week and going back on Wednesday, but I am so depressed.

I have upped my antidepressant dose from today but honestly I have been in bed all day and will be in bed now until the morning. I've ordered a pizza with money I don't have and just feel that everything is spiralling all at once and I can't regain control.

Why do I miss my abuser? Why do I want to cuddle him? Why do I feel that I'm never going to ever properly be happy.

Please just having someone to talk to right now would be amazing :'(

Oh lovely, so sorry you are feeling so low

Despite him being abusive you are still grieving for the loss of a relationship and the dreams of the future together that you had.

You WILL be happy again, honestly you will. Hang on in there but if you need to talk online with others that understand, Mind have online chat.
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/side-by-side-our-online-community/

Thank you @Oopsilot I'll check that out. I just don't know how much more I can take of feeling like this

Remind yourself that 'this too shall pass'. No matter how hard it is, and how much it feels like you'll feel like this forever - you won't. It will get better and you will get stronger and one day you'll look back on this as a bad memory, but with relief that you are out of it.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve, but also remind yourself often that you are at the beginning of something better. You haven't lost something good. You are now free. And give yourself some small, achievable goals that will move you slowly towards your full recovery. A short walk outside, cooking a simple meal, starting some exercise for example. Small steps but in the right direction. Every small win is a win and will help you to build yourself back up.

Ring the Samaritans.

I hope you feel better soon, we will listen if you want to talk here.

Sending strength x

Don't be alone, Trying. You can call Samaritans free of charge on 116 123, at any time, from any phone. They'll listen to you, even if all you can do is cry.

And I think most of us here have been in the same pain at some time in our lives. It's hell going through it. But it really does end.

It was a bad relationship. (You will see this more clearly when your body has got over missing the feel of his.) You will have happier times ahead. So this pain is like a bird being born, breaking out through a thick jagged shell. You have to push through it to be ready for the better times.

There’s nice mindfulness hour on bbc iPlayer called daydreams.. it’s good when I’m anxious .. I play it on repeat.. loneliness is hard but a relationship (even a good one ) does not prevent it.. be careful of romanticism, as reality is often different.. and your new reality finding your way in this new world without the twat, might just be a big improvement!!

Break ups are difficult, give yourself a time to grieve and for medication to kick in.
What do you struggle with the most?

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

Feeling horrendous/in despair does not mean you are a weak person. It's such a natural response to experiencing abuse and upsetting news on top of this. It would be overwhelming for anyone. It won't feel like this forever. You can get through this and come out the other side.

Tara Brach is so soothing and comforting to listen to. Her talks and meditations have seen me through some really challenging times:

www.tarabrach.com/talks-audio-video/

You miss what attracted you to him in the first place. What you need to remember is that it wasn't true, what attracted you was as good as a fictional character. The real him was awful, which is why he hid it in the beginning.

Not sure if this is something that appeals to you, but when I broke up with my abusive ex I was really struggling with it all. I ended up writing huge long letters to him, that I never sent, detailing exactly how all the traumatic events made me feel and how I knew I deserved better. Nobody ever saw them, but I remember the relief was huge.

Another thing that helped me was to look at it in the third person and see so clearly that I was much better off without him. If I had a kid at that time and they had this experience, it would utterly break my heart.

I hurt so much and it would have been so much easier to go back to him, however I can now say 9 years later that I am married to an amazing man who would never even dream of treating me that way, with a baby on the way. This hurt doesn't last, I promise you. Just keep on trucking - you will get there.