Coming to terms with exH having a very different life to me

[Neveroverit]

I have name changed for this post as it’s a bit pathetic. To keep things brief, I became a lone parent very unexpectedly and it was very traumatic - literally left holding the baby with no support (family not in the UK) and I am
not sure how I got through the next few years.

ExH, on the other hand, went on to live happily ever after with his new family and is now very wealthy. We are on the same profession but my career has stayed on the “mummy career track” while he has been extremely successful. Think huge house, multiple holiday houses (including one place that is very special to me) and everything that goes with it.

The differences have become more pronounced as time has gone on and it’s poisoning my life. I can’t distance myself from it as teen dd has at times found it difficult to process and has talked to me about it. How do I get past this?

You need therapy to deal with this. You're poisoning your own life, not the reality of his circumstances.

Your DD, a teenager, is happy to come to you for help in processing this. She can see the discrepancy between your finances, and her Dad's. Sounds like she's pretty smart, and that she feels safe, and supported by you. Money cannot buy that.

It's bloody galling though, that feeling of injustice. I find it helps to focus on what you do have, and to remember that someone else's life might feel totally different to how it looks from the outside. He might be stressed out, or miserable, he might really envy you, you just don't know. Focus on what you do have, find the joy in it, and ignore him as much as you can.

Yes, I probably do need some therapy. And yes, I do need to focus on what I do have. Thanks for posting.

Unfortunately you can’t change the past and you both for whatever reasons chose to separate.

No matter what you can do something about the future and your ds is now older so focus on your career and yourself.

@Neveroverit have you ever tried mindfulness?

I agree therapy would help.

However ‘successful’ he has been he is still the same person that left you as a lone parent . if you had stayed with him (or him with you), this could still have happened later down the line, but you may have had another 2/3 children to look after alone.

Think of Steve Jobs who abandoned his child. No one thinks well of him for that.

The one thing I have learned in life is that you can never really know what is really going on in another persons life. His wife may be a harridan, or she’s down trodden and secretly hopes for his death. Everyone has problems, and just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

It must be hard, but concentrate on what you have and what you have achieved in spite of him.

It sounds awful and I completely understand where you’re coming from but I’d rather have a modest income, small house and be lower on the career ladder, than be someone who could do that to his wife and child.

There are some things money can’t buy.

I almost had to check I hadn’t posted this!

my ex husband seems to have thrived and excelled in the wake of our divorce 6 years ago, I have been the mother and seen myself fight hell and high water to get myself back on track - I don’t have any comfortable finances but keep my career and house going solo, I’m proud of what I’ve achieved alone after a horrible few years mourning the end of our relationship.

counselling helped, finding small wins and pleasures from my life which wouldn’t have happened with him still in my life and time have all helped.

byt yeah, it’s completely frustrating and feels like a slap in the face as a direct comparison.

I share your feelings OP.

OP

You have to think of him as a random person, with whom you shared a path for a few years, many years ago.
Imagine a former classmate from university who'd have also gone into the same company as you for your first job.
But then, your paths diverged, and now he's more successful and wealthy.
Imagine it that way.

I have just come back to this thread and wanted to thank you for your words, especially those who have had similar experiences.