Am I overreacting?

[Vickyee]

I have been with my husband for nearly 15 years. We have had our ups and downs and i thought we was in a really good place. We are quite open and we was having a discussion and it somehow got to my best friend. I know my husband thinks my best friend is attractive and it didnt bother me until he went in to more detail saying that he overheard a conversation me and her had years ago about a particular set of lingerie she owned and he said he has never got that thought of her out of his mind and that he thinks of her in that outfit.

i know he watches porn which does bother me and i know i think of celebrities when im alone but i am so upset he thinks of her so much like that. I know shes not interested as i dont think she likes him but i feel heartbroken hearing him talk about her in the way he did.

am I overreacting?

No, to recall his thoughts and voice them to you is hurtful.

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Not over reacting.

He's told you he fantasises about your best friend. That's awful. And actually quite cruel.

I know we find people outside of our relationships attractive, and probably fantasise about them, but it's fleeting and meant to be kept private.

Especially when it's someone so interlinked with you.

This is unacceptable. It’s one thing imaging an unattainable celeb like Angelina in underwear, or noticing a scantily-dressed Strictly pro. But this is wrong, and you are not overreacting.

And tbh I’d wonder why he was telling you this. What does he want? You in sexier underwear? A threesome with her?

I don’t think you are overreacting that was unacceptable for him to say that.

Eugh what a creep

Would it have been ok if he hadn't told you?

The never get it out of my thoughts bit is a bit creepy though.

He's clearly a creep. I'm not surprised your friend doesn't like him much. She can probably see how cringeworthy he is, and knows you can do better.

That's a disgusting thing for him to tell you!

He's nasty to say such a hurtful thing as well as being a creep.

I know what he's told you is hurtful, but try to look for the positives...

• he hasn't acted on his thoughts, e.g. tried to initiate an affair with your friend
• you both feel safe enough to talk openly with each other. I suspect he deeply regrets hurting you
• he likes lingerie. Replace the thoughts he has of your friend in lingerie with thoughts of you in lingerie.

Fantasies are normal, we all have them. Sometimes we fantasise about celebrities and other times we might fantasise about people we know. I don't think hes a creep, he's simply a human being who overheard a conversation about lingerie, which he's used from time to time as a fantasy. His mistake was being a little too honest with you, as it's a little too close to home. (I wouldn't tell your friend, to save her any embarrassment.)
You have every right to be upset, but try to remember it's just a fantasy. I highly doubt he wants her. He loves you.

Yuck, even if he thought this there was no reason to say it. Not sure if I could get past it.

I wonder if your friend has picked up on his attraction to her, hence why she doesn't like him. If this is the case (I.e. he has been leering at her or has made a pass) then perhaps you should re-evaluate your relationship. It's at best unhealthy and disloyal. At worst, he's a lecherous creep.

he went in to more detail saying that he overheard a conversation me and her had years ago about a particular set of lingerie she owned and he said he has never got that thought of her out of his mind and that he thinks of her in that outfit.

WTF. I can't believe he actually told you that! You must be feeling really shit, and he is a complete ignorant twat.

Personally I'd of gotten rid of him over his porn use, but I'd certainly be considering getting rid if my DP came out with a gem like that.

Fucking hell, what a vile pig of a man. How can you possibly stay with him after that bout of perverted verbal diarrhea?