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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

LC in-laws actually getting cancer

20 replies

BrownWall · 03/10/2022 14:04

We are LC with our in-laws, DH is working through stuff.
I actually don’t like them and am so angry at what they’ve done to him and how they’ve treated me and the anger DH takes out on me when he speaks to them. So it looks a lot like they might actually have cancer, I know this is a trick etc a lot of the times. MIL does seem to enjoy saying how ill she is. They gave no fucks when I had life threatening issues and surgery, except hoping I would die and they could then have my DH back apparently. But how do you deal with the cancer issue and other siblings being golden child and us then seemingly not pulling our weight as we’re seen to be distanced?

OP posts:

GetOffTheRoof · 03/10/2022 14:11

By cracking on. My mate was NC with his mother for many excellent reasons. She claimed all sorts of illnesses over the years, and when she finally had a big stroke and died a few days later, she'd cried wolf far too many times. He didn't visit her in hospital even though she asked for him to come. His sister understood though.

Keep your heads down. If needs be, remind the siblings that cancer doesn't undo any of their previous behaviour. If they need extra support with ill health, they'll have to crack on without your DH and you.

RoseAndRose · 03/10/2022 14:12

Do nothing until there is both a confirmed diagnosis, and also a treatment path

Remember that from their POV, this is one of the worst times - knowing there's a real possibility of cancer, but not being quite sure how bad or what can be done about it is really difficult. Whether you're a lovely person or a complete shit.

When you say LC, what do you actually mean?

Original poster

BrownWall · 03/10/2022 14:20

Thanks. One of the siblings is aware of some of the treatment of us and has had similar but are in more contact. Golden sibling doesn’t know anything and I think already is questioning our lack of input.
By LC I mean we now live away so visits are planned. We meet up in neutral places like going out to lunch, maybe every 3 months. We don’t tell them any more about any of our medical stuff. When we meet up it triggers there bizarre behaviour again towards my DH. It really is evil. I am completely torn that they will think their behaviour is normal, I am an evil DIL and obviously a cancer diagnosis is huge for them, but I genuinely think I hate them, and I feel like a shit for having no response. Obviously as DIL this would be to give up work etc and cook and clean for them, so gendered in what is expected of children etc.

OP posts:

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 03/10/2022 14:22

Why should things change? They are still Cunts.

I am nc with dps and ils. No illness will change that .

OldFan · 03/10/2022 14:22

@BrownWall Maybe you could support your sibling by doing stuff (assuming you're not LC/NC with them too) so you're helping her out, without having much directly to do with your mum? You needn't hear anything your mum says about them being wonderful etc.

Original poster

BrownWall · 03/10/2022 14:24

@Pumpkinpatchlookinggood you made me smile!
For some reason anger is the feeling I am feeling at the moment, anger for everything they have done to DH and me and for the outpouring of sympathy they will now get from friends and family.

OP posts:

ZooTropia · 03/10/2022 14:25

Getting cancer won't make them a nicer person will it? They will be even more toxic

Hoppinggreen · 03/10/2022 14:26

Do nothing
Arseholes with cancer are still Arseholes

Original poster

BrownWall · 03/10/2022 14:30

@ZooTropia thats exactly it, it’ll be 100x worse. I’m just going to keep my distance but I imagine contact with DH will increase and it’s coping with the fallout from him.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/10/2022 14:32

Would your DH be willing and or able to see a therapist to deal with his feelings of fear, obligation and guilt?.

I would reaffirm boundaries with your ILs and continue to maintain both physical and mental distance with them. Do not get drawn into their world of dysfunction.

Original poster

BrownWall · 03/10/2022 14:41

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think he would be happy to, but don’t know if he’d want to dig anything up as feel like he’s finally getting over his past.

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Original poster

BrownWall · 03/10/2022 14:45

I think DH is working through it as thinks they are being maybe over the top and if it was cancer it would have been picked up by the hospital admission a few months back and the extensive testing. I think in my gut the symptoms do fit with cancer and their huge heavy alcohol intake of an evening, they would swear they weren’t alcoholics though.

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RoseAndRose · 03/10/2022 14:57

Wait until a confirmed diagnosis at least.

Then you need to decide what you want to do, and you very much needs your DH's input, an indeed to be led by him as they are his parents.

Whilst your DH is in a state of disbelief, there might not be much that can be done. How well do the two of you communicate about his parents and how (and how far) you interact with them?

EL8888 · 03/10/2022 15:05

I don’t think it changes anything from your side at all. If the golden child wants an explanation then tell them. They were unsupportive and obnoxious when you were ill. Im amused at you cooking and cleaning did them, not your problem at all

Every time DH tries to take his anger out on you. Then l would challenge him “l have noticed whenever you speak to your parents, then you take your anger out on me. That is misplaced and please don’t do it again”.

Original poster

BrownWall · 03/10/2022 15:06

I won’t stop DH seeing them more and doing more if he wants too. There was a similar thing before and we didn’t pitch in and I took the blame for stopping him, even though it was his choice. I’m happy to be seen as the evil one stopping him to them, just hard to deal with the anger this end.

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Original poster

BrownWall · 03/10/2022 15:07

@EL8888 ive said that before to him, and I think he gets that now but he still does it and in the heat of the moment he’ll react angrily to that so I just tend to let him vent and then hope he realises afterwards.
Selfishly I am so angry for how they treated us when I went through something similar.

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hattie43 · 03/10/2022 15:17

If they haven't told you themselves I'd do nothing . A cancer diagnosis is something they have shared with others but not you . So they don't value you as important enough for the news .
Ignorance is bliss as they say .

Original poster

BrownWall · 03/10/2022 16:04

@hattie43 theu discussed the possibility with my DH so can’t really ignore it unfortunately. They either tell him stuff immediately or wait 3months and tell him as in a kind of punishment that they didn’t tell him at the time kind of thing, he wasn’t in the inner loop or needed to know.

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EL8888 · 03/10/2022 19:56

@BrownWall l don’t think you sound selfish. It sounds like they behaved terribly, when you went through something similar

Original poster

BrownWall · 03/10/2022 22:07

Thank you, I’m a bit calmer now.
i could spend a day telling you how they treated me when I was ill, would be very outing though!
i think I was angry about the fact that now they are protected and I can never say the things I want to say to them in my head, everything they’ve beaten DH down for, who is a wonderful human being.

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