How do you cope with the sadbess of being NC with close relatives?

[LemonDrop22]

I've read quite a few posters talk about being NC with close relatives.

Myself and one of my sisters have become estranged and have been NC for quite a while now.

She does go NC/becomes estranged from other family members for periods too, but seems to get back in contact again sooner or later. That isn't happening with us. She even declined to contact me during a sort of health crisis.

Part of it (though far from all) is that I'm the only one in the family atm with a young child and this sister in her own words "doesn't do children".

I find it sad, it bothers me sometimes .... How do you cope? What are your techniques/philosophy or whatever?

I suppose it's also that the whole thing, and the longer it's gone on, has done damage to the point where our relationship will never again, no matter what happens, be good or close.

My brother went NC soon after the birth of his first child. I took the view that whatever his reasons, he regarded them as good enough not to keep in touch - I wasn't aware of doing anything to upset him or his wife, but who knows what other people regard as upsetting? as we weren't that close as a family I mostly shrugged and decided that if and when he wanted to be in touch he would.

Coincidentally I'm sure, 🙄he got back in touch last summer after splitting with his wife.

I am no contact with my mother. She is a toxic person. I had to realise that the sadness was because I was grieving the mother I should of had. Your sister sounds toxic too. Once you accept the nc, you will have more peace in your life.

We maintained a very low key neutral position. Initiated contact occasionally, sometimes to suggest meeting, other times just to say hello, and waited it out.

Eventually, they were on no speaks to everyone else and relations with us thawed.

Just don't buy into the drama.

I’m NC with my sister haven’t spoken in a couple of years, I’m much happier!

I find it sad, it bothers me sometimes .... How do you cope? What are your techniques/philosophy or whatever?
I don't subscribe to "blood is thicker than water". I was NC with my brother and sister for nearly 10 years (sister / BIL are toxic; brother is actually just too lazy to pick up a phone / write a card / stay in contact). For reasons irrelevant here we had a brief rapprochement, which meant that if I pushed for it I might see my brother once a year / speak a couple of times a year (usually six weeks after I left a voicemail if he remembered; and my sister and I spoke occasionally on the phone about nothing in particular or of any interest to me. After another one of her toxic activities I told her to get lost and haven't spoken to her again (now five years); and I stopped bothering to contact my brother and left it up to him (also five years since I heard from him). I don't actually care. My friends are worth 40 of them. Being related isn't enough reason to put up with things that I would never accept from friends.

I suspect that the next time they realise that they require something from me they will be in contact. It will be a wasted effort though - I will be the one not picking up this time.

brother is actually just too lazy to pick up a phone / write a card / stay in contact)

It's probably sexist but I find men more likely to be like that. Value relationships (non romantic or sexual) lowly, and their relatives make the effort or is doesn't happen (or if they're attached, their partner makes the effort on their behalf or it doesn't happen).

But happy to spend time and effort on hobbies, whatever interests them.

It's cold and sad.

It is a good point to compare them to friends or acquaintances - it gives you a perspective.

You feel you should get on with them and be close because you're sisters, but if they were an acquaintance/potential friend, would you get on with them? Would you actually become friends. With this sister the answer would be no, not really. I'd think she was a bit mad, self absorbed, one dimensional, maybe boring, shallow, a bit exploitative in certain circumstances ..... This isn't sounding good! She also treads all over boundaries in certain circumstances so that would make me uncomfortable as an acquaintance.

Tbh I'd only have had anything to do with her as an acquaintance or friend when I was young and naive, and would quickly have come to see her as a bit of a user. And a bit of disaster area, relationship wise etc. (She is settled now, but its v codependent and unhealthy inmsome ways).

I suppose it's v helpful to take the related bit out and see them neutrally.

It's way more relaxing - because they're not upsetting and annoying you ... But it's sad too, well I'm finding it so anyway.

Maybe I need to let go of the ideal/expectation that you are on good terms with and have some sort of relationship with all your siblings.

Im no contact with my mum for coming up to 5 years. In that time i tried to make up and it was thrown in my face. Im very close to my brother, who is very close to her. Ive had surgeries, break ups, an ill child, a house move - all of which she is fully aware of the fine details and has chosen to keep distance. It does really hurt when I see others with their mums, but I find peace in the fact that i tried, and tbh if someone couldnt care whether im ok, why am i wasting brain space on wondering why. It is what it is.

It's bound to come up sooner or later - the actual quote is, "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" - meaning the total opposite of "Blood is thicker than water".
[Same as "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps", which is a physical impossibility.]

Not to be negative, but I have never got over the sadness of the involuntary NC - but these are not relationships that ever existed in the normal sense. However, in my experience and here's another misquote, you CAN "miss what you have never had"......

BUT - everybody is different, all reasons are different and complex - and I am sure that it is possible for some of us to overcome estrangement, whether or not it is our choice.

You feel you should get on with them and be close because you're sisters

This is why it's making you sad: you feel like there's some ideal, where everybody lives as they 'should'. There are no 'shoulds'. If your relationship with someone doesn't bring happiness, then it's a good thing for you to walk away.

Do I wish my sister hadn't acted like she did to the point where I had to cut her off for my own wellbeing? Yes, it is sad. However she brought me much grief and I am healthier and happier without her in my life. She has rewritten history and tells any family listening that she has no idea why she and I do not speak 🙄

I didn't go NC lightly. I see it suggested a lot on MN, but it took time for me to decide to do that. I reconcile it with myself by knowing it was the best thing for me.

I am no contact with my toxic mother and her entire side of the family.

I don't miss any of them and just wish I had done it sooner.

The sadness comes from never having had parents who could create a supportive and healthy environment when I was a child and teenager. They caused me so much mental and physical pain.The no contact part is actually bliss...