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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this divorce -worthy?

48 replies

Trolleydolly123 · 03/10/2022 13:00

Hi seeking perspective on this please...

So over recent weeks i have become increasingly unable to tolerate my DP and his 'helping' me to drive. Essentially every journey if I drive is FULL of relentless 'advice' about when to stop, go, pull out ,pull in, change gear, where to park, how to park etc. It drives me mad.
I have raised this many times before and if has preceeded many arguments, my two issues with this are 1) being told how to drive (im a very good driver) 2) the arguments when I say do not do this.
Genuinely at the point of being done and divorcing. Is this OTT?

OP posts:
unsync · 03/10/2022 15:44

I thought at first you meant you were learning and he was instructing you. FTS, I'd be pulling over and telling him to get out, if he doesn't like it, he can walk. If you do the same to him when he drives, how does he respond?

Original poster
Trolleydolly123 · 03/10/2022 15:49

Haha no not learning but it does feel like that!
I dont do the same to him but if i did he would be equally as infuriated.
Genuinely been years of battling this with no change and i think i am now at divorce point.

OP posts:
Wowzers12 · 03/10/2022 15:52

Arrivederla · 03/10/2022 13:15

I think not being able to "see the issue" is the major concern here. Why isn't he listening to you? Is he always like this? 🤔

Exactly what I thought reading it. Surely if you've explained that you don't want him to do it then he should stop? Bit disrespectful to not.

Is he on the spectrum?

Sunnytwobridges · 03/10/2022 16:07

Ugh, sounds like my idiot ex. He was the same way, it got so bad i refused to drive when he was in the car. His unnecessary comments actually made me anxious and I'm a very confident and good driver.

MsAlder · 03/10/2022 16:28

My DH is just as bad. I can't drive with him anymore. He makes me really nervous with all his comments and all his little panicked movements (flinching etc.). Never had a ticket and only dinged the car twice when I just got my license years ago (stationary objects) but other than no issues. Ugh, it's awful. Just pull over if it gets too bad.

AriettyHomily · 03/10/2022 16:36

DH does this too. I now refuse to drive if he is in the car. I have had to pull over before and ask him to get out or shut the fuck up.

I'm a perfectly good driver, I would rank myself as better than him as I don't drive up people's arses.

Bookworm20 · 03/10/2022 16:41

Mine has started doing this. Are you telling me it gets worse?

It was just little things from the beginning, but its been getting more and more. As he normally drives, I suppose its not an every day irritant for me. but he was particulary bad this weekend. I honestly felt like stopping the car and telling him to bloody walk if he was so worried about my driving.
Might have to start doing that by the sounds of things. Hoping this isn't terminal.

So I've no advice OP really, apart from the stopping the car thing each and every time.

pigcon1 · 03/10/2022 16:42

I have been in your position, I refuted it every time (including in front of the children), drove regularly and in the end brought it up at a dinner party (wasn’t entirely random comment I promise!), whereupon all the other couples laughed copiously - and this brought the ‘ok left’ type chat to an end.

his dad did it and he had not appreciated how weird it was until it was out in the open.

RodiganReed · 03/10/2022 16:48

You need to gather your thoughts and sit him down at a time when you're not driving or otherwise busy and tell him firmly and clearly that this stops, now. You will give him one more chance to ride along as your passenger but if he does it again, you will kick him out of the car there and then and there will be no more lifts thereafter.

Be clear this is absolutely non-negotiable, it's not a conversation, it's a clear line in the sand and that's that.

SoSo99 · 03/10/2022 16:48

God this thread has shed light on my situation...it's become so normalised I don't even think about it any more. My husband can't stand it when I drive so, I'm always the passenger (well, he'd frame it as: he cares more about driving and cars than me...which is true). I found it really demeaning and bizarre at first (no one else seems to have a problem with my driving...he even says I'm a good driver, and I'm perfectly happy driving when he is not around...no speeding tickets or fines etc etc) but now I don't even think of driving if he is there too and it would be unbearably tense if I did.

On the rare occasions when I do drive with him in the car, he'll often insist on parking...in fact, I've got such Stockholm syndrome over this, that I'll often just suggest he parks as it'd be so tense if he was in the car while I tried to park. Crazy, but it's my norm. Make of this what you will

ItsaMetalBand · 03/10/2022 16:49

It's worthy of a call to Mumsnet Patios and Landscaping Inc.

DH (DP then) and I jointly bought a car. The first day we took it for a drive, and he was really reluctant to let me drive it. My licence was about a decade older than his so the next day I went to visit DM down her twisty little single lane roads a full 1.5 hrs away and made a point of taking the new car for that drive. Alone.

He did the backseat driving to me once. Because I pulled over and told him to either get out and get a bus, or STFU about my driving. And he never did it again!

newtb · 03/10/2022 16:57

Duct tape? Less work than putting him under the patio.

Keroppi · 03/10/2022 16:57

I think everyone who is resisting the urge to do it back, scream or pull over and kick them out needs to just stop resisting. Men have huge road rage displays, so allow yourself one too 😁They need to be shown you are serious - pull over everytime they carry on after being warned and sit and look at them: "You seem to have a lot of advice to give me, why dont you get it all out of the way now, so you can stop distracting me?"

Other fun scenarios I suggest:

  • humming or going LAALALALA everytime they talk
  • turn up the radio!!!!!!! a favourite of mine when kids or dh are annoying or boring
  • emergency brake when safe and say it's because they are talking too much and distracting you
  • printing out a job application for a driving instructor and giving it to them
  • doing the EXACT same thing back, or at least just ENDLESS inane chatter about a topic they arent interested in or actively dislike. when confronted, explain
  • laugh like a maniac at every suggestion. get louder and more unhinged each time. when confronted, "OMG you're really seriously giving me patronising ADVICE? really?"
  • drive REALLY badly. safely, but really badly - harsh braking, miss exits and go round roundabouts loads, generally just give them something to really stress about!

This is a lighthearted post.... maybe!!

Keroppi · 03/10/2022 17:02

Just on a serious note, if it is at the point where you are not driving alone, then that's really sad. I know a lot of married women who have lost out on a lot of independence as they now genuinely have been brainwashed into believing they can't drive/are now scared of driving alone Confused It's upsetting to have your world become so small. Definitely red flag for controlling and coercive behaviour. Make a point of it now and drive next time!

Perhaps remedied in the lighthearded, oh what are you like stage by being very serious and suggested you contact DVLA and surrender license, as the way DH acts leads you to believe you cannot drive at all, so he will need to go part time and give up hobbies to allow you to be driven around?

Original poster
Trolleydolly123 · 03/10/2022 17:11

It certainly wont make me drive less, it makes me drive more to then demonstrate to him how frequently he does it.
Agree about so many women brainwashed into thinking they cant drive, I have friends who cant drive further than the supermarket.
I said this exact thing to him and explained that the only thing which prevents me turning into one of these is my complete confidence in my driving competence and how sad it would be if that wasnt the case.

OP posts:
XmasElf10 · 03/10/2022 17:15

Everytime he does it stop the car and ask if he’d rather walk. When he says no you say “do it again and you will walk”. If he does it again that journey stop the car and refuse to move again until he gets out (no matter how long it takes). Repeat until he learns.

WGSW · 03/10/2022 17:22

If the car is equally shared, then next time he does it, pull over, switch off the engine and tell him that he has two choices. Either he stops the running commentary, or he can get out and find an alternative method of transport.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/10/2022 17:22

Keroppi · 03/10/2022 16:57

I think everyone who is resisting the urge to do it back, scream or pull over and kick them out needs to just stop resisting. Men have huge road rage displays, so allow yourself one too 😁They need to be shown you are serious - pull over everytime they carry on after being warned and sit and look at them: "You seem to have a lot of advice to give me, why dont you get it all out of the way now, so you can stop distracting me?"

Other fun scenarios I suggest:

  • humming or going LAALALALA everytime they talk
  • turn up the radio!!!!!!! a favourite of mine when kids or dh are annoying or boring
  • emergency brake when safe and say it's because they are talking too much and distracting you
  • printing out a job application for a driving instructor and giving it to them
  • doing the EXACT same thing back, or at least just ENDLESS inane chatter about a topic they arent interested in or actively dislike. when confronted, explain
  • laugh like a maniac at every suggestion. get louder and more unhinged each time. when confronted, "OMG you're really seriously giving me patronising ADVICE? really?"
  • drive REALLY badly. safely, but really badly - harsh braking, miss exits and go round roundabouts loads, generally just give them something to really stress about!

This is a lighthearted post.... maybe!!

That's everything my abusive ex did to scare me into compliance.

He drove like a cunt. And then misjudged one of his pointmaking displays and an 87 year old ended up on the pavement with his wrist partially degloved when the prick frightened him so much, he fell over.

Some people say they're good drivers because the only accidents they've ever seen have been in their rear view mirror. If they've even glanced at it.

Daisychainsx · 03/10/2022 17:33

I'd tell him to sit in the back seat and keep his comments to himself.

He might be a nervous passenger, he might not understand how the perspective is so different as a passenger than a driver, he may just be an asshole.

Either way, if you've told him to stop he should stop. If you're otherwise happy I'd probably not divorce over it, just make him take the bus!

quietnightmare · 03/10/2022 17:38

Drives me crazy, pun intended.

Mojoj · 03/10/2022 17:39

Just put him out the car everytime he does it. He'll soon learn to keep it shut.😀

Wiglio · 03/10/2022 17:52

Back seat driving is dangerous as it interferes with your concentration, OP your DH is an arrogant knob.

pointythings · 03/10/2022 19:24

My late husband used to do this. And he didn't even have a driving license! I kept it to a minimum by fully biting his head off about it every single time, and that reduced the frequency, but he never really stopped.

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