Friendship - am I being selfish?

[Looxxlooxx]

I have been friends with my best friend for 20 years. She is literally like a sister to me. We’ve had our ups and downs but she has gotten me through some terrible break ups . We have kind of mirror images the same . Both with 3 toxic men each for 4/5 years . One for 8 years . And my last one which was awful for 5 years. Hers was for five years and she had a baby to him. In January they finally broke up and I had to help quite a lot with getting hun out the house , had to call the police . I helped her find a new home. Set up bank accounts it really was like up heaving a whole new life . So since March she’s been in her own home with the baby (co parenting) with this lunatic .
so for nearly every day since they’ve broken up he’s asked her who’s she with, causes some drama, somehow gets hold of her phone , sees what she’s up to and and there’s been a couple of occasions she’s bailed a night out with me or spending time together . I get it , life is busy but this weekend she did it again. I bought a new outfit , had my hopes up we would go for a coupon of drinks and let our hair down and she had been out with her mates a few nights before and then she said she couldn’t come out with me because she was in a bad place . She said she doesn’t want to drink anymore because she’s got a problem with it . Although I was slightly annoyed with her letting me down I realised she wasn’t in a good place. Had to get her dad to help with the baby etc.
but tonight she’s just informed me while she’s drunk and I could tell while on the phone to her , that her Ex (the baby dad) came round who has been hinting and them spending time together and taking her to restaurants etc. he’s left the house while she’s out the baby to bed and text her saying ‘he can’t do this ‘ . So he’s scarpered and left her in a state and on the drink. This is the guy who has ripped her whole life apart and causes me and her family so much grief.
tell me if I’m wrong but I’m starting to get quite p**d off tbh. Iv wasted my weekend and been let down by her but she’s managed to get well again for her ex to come round.
the other month I asked if she could look after the dogs and she said she couldn’t because she had work at 6 in the morning but somehow managed to meet a lad at midnight before today and be up all hours when she has to be up at 5am. I just feel like abit angry that I may need to find new friends who want to do new stuff like go hiking and things I’m into because it’s a waste of like spending my weekend talking about her ex or writing on forums. We’ve argued about it basically because she said she’s never got angry with me for the choices iv made but seriously, hasn’t it got to get to a point where enough is enough ?

How old is she?!

considering all she has been through she doesn’t seem very wise

you seem to be caught up in all her dramas while all I can think about is the poor baby while she’s drunk!!!

It sounds to me like you're starting to think about potential boundaries for this particular friendship, as it feels one-sided. This is normal as we get older and our expectations change. Widening your social circle to include people who are interested in, and available to participate, shared interests like hiking would be a healthy option for you to look into, whilst remaining friends with this person, but setting up boundaries to protect t yourself from feeling used and ultimately let down. It's perfectly fine to say no to her and to let her know how her decisions that alter your plans affect you. You'll respect yourself more when your the type of friend who is supportive, but not her doormat.

Your friend sounds in a bit of a messy place at the moment- not really getting her priorities in order, mixed up over her relationships with men and drink. Maybe the fact you’re so close means that you’re the one being seen as expendable when things get too much. Agree with PP re trying to establish clear boundaries with her. And of course seek new friends to broaden your social circle if that’s what you feel like doing.

I don't think you're being selfish at all. It does sound like she's in a messed up place right now though so try not to take it too personally. I would stop making any plans with her for a while, if she is letting you down all the time.
I'm starting to re-evaluate some of my long friendships that I don't feel are anywhere near 50:50. I always think if a friend is making you feel bad, then maybe they shouldn't be your friend.

she’s never got angry with me for the choices iv made

And that's fine. She's not responsible for you. You are.

So, if you don't like someone's behaviour, tell them. Don't ask them to change. Just let them know, clearly and calmly, that it makes you feel bad/sad/stressed, whatever. If they choose to keep doing it, they choose to disrespect your feelings. They choose to put their offending behaviour higher on their list of priorities than how you feel.

Let that be the judge of your relationships with people. Let that choose your friends for you. Not 'I said, then she said, then I said'. It's not an argument to prove you're worth behaving well for, it's a quest to find people who naturally behave in ways that fit your morals and standards. Discard all else.

Well, it sounds like she's not really completely over this abusive man and he's still in her head. I sympathise with how frustrating it is and I think that sometimes there does come a point where you have to step back a little for your own mental health and if that's where you are, that's fine.

But I don't think you get to be angry wit her because it's pretty obvious she is all over the place and a mess.