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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner has shut down and I don't know what to do

4 replies

Ocea · 02/10/2022 19:17

I am in a long distance relationship with a man. He used to be here with me before, but he went back to his country for personal reasons.
Everything was going great between us and we were planning to reunite. First he was supposed to come back here, then we would have moved somewhere else together. Two weeks ago though something happened in his life and he disappeared. Just so you understand a bit how he is, he has been to war three times and has had a difficult life and he has always told me he shuts down sometimes and if that were to happen, to not get upset and give him time. I thought I could manage, but it has apparently happened for real now and it Is way harder than I thought. And I was diagnosed with PTSD for abandonement issues and other serious things years ago, so I got alarmed almost immediately.
He stopped replying to texts and calls, but was online on social media. He replied after a couple of days apologizing, then disappeared again.
A week had passed and he replied again vía text. He explained the situation and apologized again, told me that I mean the world to him, he loves me and wants to have a baby with me, but many bad things are happening in his life and he is feeling bad and this feeling is not going away and he was not replying because he didn't know what to tell me in this situation. He told me to please don't cry and think he abandoned me and to just give him another week because he needs time to think about what to do with His life because he doesn't know. I asked if he meant he had to think if he wanted to be me too and he said no, but he has to think of how to make it work geographically because he doesn't want to move Back here for now because he doesn't like this place (I always knew this), but that he could come visit soon. Then, we could have moved directly somewhere else. I asked him to have a call because we never call and I feel the need to, but he stopped replying again. I told him that I was angry at him (although I didn't swear or say anything bad), that this situation was affecting me and making me physically sick, and he stopped visualizing my texts too. It has been a total of 14 days since this whole situation has started. The "extra week" he asked me ends in a couple of days, which coincides with His birthday. I really don't know what to do. I feel guilty for not giving him space but he should know that, having been severely emotionally abused in the past, this situation is really hard for me and it feels like ghosting and abandonement. Plus, this has been going on for a long time now. When I ask him to give me updates about him and about us, if we are still together or not, he does not reply. His last reply was three days ago, before I told him I was angry at him. What should I do? People are telling me to Let him go.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 02/10/2022 19:25

This is just two complicated and your respective issues/trauma aren’t compatible.

You can continue to make this work for a bit longer but it’ll only bring pain to you.
And please - don’t move to a random 3rd county on his whim. He met you where he met you - I presume you are in a safe place where you have roots, and a job. If he can’t see that uprooting both of you, just to please him isn’t fair - and not a great start of a relationship - he isn’t worth it.

Dont be a martyr. You can’t save him, no matter how much you want to.

Ocea · 02/10/2022 19:30

Thank you for your reply. Where we met is not my home country. I have a job but is not very good at the moment, I don't want to be here forever.
I just don't know what to do to make him talk to me. It has been two weeks, isn't it enough Time?

OP posts:
confusednewbie · 02/10/2022 19:37

Sounds way too dramatic. Are you sure there isnt someone else? Disappearing for weeks etc sounds like he is with someone else or has another life

Lunificent · 02/10/2022 19:40

I would let him go. Do things on your terms, not his.

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