DP little lies

[Bakereld]

Hi,

has anyone else experienced this? Fairly new relationship, but has progressed quite quickly, have been together six months now.

he is wonderful in all regards, very caring, romantic and loving, however he tells little lies all the time!

i have no idea why, at first I thought maybe it was just his memory, but now it seems to be more than that.

it’s bugging me, and I feel like I can’t quite trust him? I.e if he lies about stupid smaller stuff, will he lie about the bigger things in the future?

one example, I asked if he had ever had feelings or crossed the boundary with any of his employees, he said no, he would never cross that boundary. I found out from a mutual friend he had admitted feelings for a member of staff 3 months before we got together, i said I knew this to his shock, and said he lied to protect my feelings, was a drunken mistake, and obviously nothing ever came of it.

I’ve been feeling uneasy all day as I don’t understand the constant lies? I’d rather he just be honest? I feel like trust is being chipped away at.

has anyone else had this with little lies, and it been an indicator of something bad later happening down the line?

I think it's pretty normal in the example you've shared.
What other lies?

I would throw this one now back into the pond from where he came. There are men out there who are not inveterate liars or have any need to lie all the time in order to get themselves out of trouble .

Is he constantly lying about all sorts of things?

If you phrased your question like that then I am not surprised he didn't tell you he had 'crossed a boundary with an employee'.

What else does he lie about?

Though, if you feel wary, I'd just listen to that feeling and leave

Why did you ask him that? That's a really strange question to pose.

Hi,

sorry - for context he is quite close with some of his female employees, so I asked if he had ‘ever had feelings for any of them’ as prior to meeting me he was single, they were single, and going out together all the time, weekend breaks etc. they message him a lot, are younger, and attractive.

he said and he would never cross that boundary as he classes them as his sisters. Then obviously I told him what the friend had revealed about one of their nights out where he told one he liked her (she wanted to just be friends) and he backtracked, said it was a drunken mistake, and they are now just friends which is true. They are still friends which I am okay with.

He lies about stupid little things to do with his staff and things he does with them.

I’ve told him to be honest, as I don’t care what he does or who he hangs out with as long as I know of his general where abouts and he’s honest etc.

he lies about really odd things, if he’s heard from X friend he’ll say no, or talked to his mum about x he’ll say no, but then it turns out he has? Really inconsequential stuff sometimes but it’s really frustrating and it feels exhausting sometimes as there’s no reason to lie.

i didn’t want my initial post to be super long!

The fact he refers to them as 'like sisters' is a bigger red flag than not telling you the truth because they're clearly not...

I'd throw him back.

I have a good friend who got together with someone who did this, it got to the stage where she realised half what he told her was fiction and the lies grew and grew. She called time after 10 years but he couldn't understand her problem with him as his behaviour was "normal" to him.
Does he accept his" lies" OP? or does he shrug it off as being inconsequential?

That was my initial response back to him as soon as he said about them being like sisters - clearly if he liked one that is bullshit.

I had a gut feeling from the weird lies, I just wanted to check I’m not being overly paranoid.

well, I wouldn't consider the first example a "small lie". I'd call that quite a bit lie. But okay, perhaps he was trying to avoid any chance that you would be concerned about his relationship with his colleagues. Still weird.

As for the other lies, I'd just assume they're part of a bigger pattern of him trying to keep stuff from you, possibly much bigger stuff. Not necessarily sinister things, but a sign of him hiding and obfuscating for no reason.

A good friend's boyfriend was like this. Turned out he was, in fact, lying about pretty much everything. His background, his parents, his history, his family.... it was very clearly the result of deep insecurity. But didn't change the fact that trusting him now is pretty much impossible.

Yeah my ex was like this. So lovely in every other way but I had those niggles in the first few months. Sometimes his story just didn't add up about where he'd been/ who he'd been with etc. Silly little things that in their own made me feel like a mad woman and I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and put it down to me being paranoid.
Guess what? He was cheating

I'd be wary 😒

I think you are asking questions about his staff which you maybe shouldn’t. He is trying to protect your feelings. You strike me as insecure and this is all before you met

I guess it depends what you want out of the relationship/life.
My DP has told lies our whole relationship…..I’ve spent nights back at my parents because I didn’t want to be with a liar, also had thoughts like you about what else he could lie about in the future, but, the reality is, if I were to leave him I probably wouldn’t have the trust to meet someone else.
I just go along with what he’s saying and take it with a pinch of salt now and it seems to be working.
His lies are mainly small/harmless - he thinks he does it to try and sound more interesting and when I’ve spoken to him about it he thinks it’s something he’s always done (I don’t bring it up now as it just upsets me if we argue about it) - things like extravagant stories from the school run, the neighbour crashed in the snow (neighbours car hadn’t actually moved for days so I knew that was a lie), cost of presents (Googled actual cost) and car breaking down when we first met are the main ones!

This is who he is.

A liar.

Your gut is screaming at you, that is why you are uneasy.

Dump him.

You will bitterly regret it if you don't.

Liars really mess with your MH.

Get out while you can.

It is a HUGE personality flaw.

Yeah I couldn't be doing with this, going on your update. First post, I thought he was saving your feelings and if it was a fleeting crush which he didn't act on then you didn't need to know. That example, I would call acceptable in isolation.

Re the other stuff though, even if the lies are small then it reflects his relationship with the truth which is shaky. he will obfuscate things that are more important to you and you can't trust him to give reliable information.

Different relationship but i worked with a woman who constantly lied about small, stupid work things to try and avoid looking incompetent. E.g. she would give you any old crappy answer rather than say 'I don't know'. It was impossible to manage and completely maddening. I tried and tried to get her to change but really wish I'd sscked her sooner than I did.

It's probably not malicious but you can't trust or plan around someone that slippery. They simply don't understand or value honesty. It's a big fault even if it only manifests in trivial ways.