I just ended a relationship with my bf of 4 months. He has been diagnosed with cyclothymia (less severe form of bi polar if that makes a difference). From the beginning I was suspicious of his behaviour. After our first date I looked him up on social media and he was exclusively following 19-22 year old women. He’s 43 and I’m 25 for reference. After seeing this I told him I didn’t want anything to do with someone who only followed 20 year olds. His response was to tell me he had feelings for me and that I should give him a chance.
He relentlessly texted me after this and wouldn’t leave me alone. I stupidly agreed to see him again. I would go to his house and he would have gifts for me and flowers every time. I asked him to calm down and suggested he make me stuff instead of buying me stuff because I wasn’t comfortable with it. He would text me constantly, like every couple of minutes. He also claimed that he was the most honest person ever, not capable of lying. He saw himself as extremely honest and important - I think because of his job. He works for an organisation fighting for human rights.
He saw a bruise on my upper thigh and asked me if it was a hickey. I started crying because his eyes, body language, tone of voice changed and I was genuinely scared. He assumed that meant that it was a hickey and I had slept with someone else (we weren’t exclusive at this point). I reassured him that it wasn’t but he didn’t believe me and for the entirety of our relationship he would randomly get upset with me, demand reassurance about it, claim that I was constantly doing things to make him feel unsafe in the relationship.
Anyway fast forward 6 weeks and he tells me he’s been offered a job in Switzerland and he was thinking about not taking it because he loved me and wanted to explore our relationship more. We ended up moving to Europe together and this is where the (bigger) issues began. I will summarise them here.
He was constantly telling me how unsafe I made him feel and I needed to give him excessive amounts of validation and reassurance.
He got upset with me because he got home from work one day and saw that I had worn boots during the day. He assumed this meant I had gone on a date while he was gone and I had to reassure him about how much I loved him and didn’t want anyone else.
I changed the bed sheets one day and he assumed that I had slept with someone else and was trying to hide the evidence. Again I had to reassure him that I only loved him and only wanted him.
He conditioned me to turn my location on for him. Whenever I did it he would praise me so much and tell me no one’s ever done that for him and it made him feel really happy.
He would want sex every single day.
Afterwards he would tell me that sex made him feel safe in the relationship with me. I felt manipulated into having sex everyday because I didn’t want to make him feel unsafe. If he was feeling unsafe we would argue.
We had a massive argument because he asked me if he was the funnest person I’ve ever met and I replied that he’s pretty fun. That wasn’t good enough for him and after a lengthy argument he ended up snatching my phone and slamming it on the bed. This was the first time I saw his anger.
He was paranoid about how I use my phone because I would always close apps when he came in or turn my phone off when he came in the room. I wasn’t hiding anything, I just felt rude being on my phone while he was with me. He told me I needed to put my phone on do not disturb because he didn’t like hearing my notifications. He also had his phone on do not disturb and I said that was more suspicious because I couldn’t see who was texting him.
When I ended up checking his phone I found many young women that he had been messaging including colleagues. Asking them to meet up, bragging about his job or places he’s lived. Almost everything that he had accused me of doing, he was doing himself.
Once I caught him out, it started with only one girl. He promised until he was blue in the face it was only one girl and I shouldn’t feel threatened, he had no intentions of actually meeting up with her because he stopped replying to her. I decided to check his old phone and I found even more.
One thing I will say is that he was open to communication about our relationship. What I felt like wasn’t working, areas I thought he needed to improve on and vice versa. In fact he actively encouraged communication. I was not perfect either. Anytime I saw him looking at a young attractive women I would get upset with him and would stop talking to him for 30 minutes or so. Any time he was overly friendly with a young waitress I would get upset too. This was before I knew about all of the other women he was talking to.