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Original poster

If you know someone in prison

55 replies

Orangecrate · 02/10/2022 15:50

Preparing to write my first letter to a friend in prison. I have no idea what to say. I don’t condone their crimes at all but I am worried about their mental health of being isolated so suddenly and I need to talk to them for closure.

where do I even begin?
TIA

OP posts:
BeanStew22 · 03/10/2022 02:31

cooolio · 02/10/2022 21:04

"It isnt easy in prison especially when they are just about getting one hot meal a day!"

What? Not true.

"Just to let you know prisoners get out in isolation for 10days when they first arrive due to covid."

Huh? Also not true

@cooolio : I don’t think you know what you are talking about, both these things are true

OP: if you are sending Xmas cards etc later on be aware that mostly prisons photocopy letters/cards and give those to the prisoners. Email may be a better way to go and arrives more quickly (also easier if you’d like a reply)

Also, cannot comment on your friend but there are a lot of ridiculous comments on this thread.

Whilst no doubt the majority of prisoners deserve to be where they are, a very disproportionate number of those ‘inside’ are from deprived backgrounds, have mental health or drug problems etc, sadly some people’s life chances are much more likely than others to lead to them spending time in custody. Maintaining links with friends & family helps prisoners mental health and rehabilitation once they are released

Onthemaintrunkline · 03/10/2022 03:54

I would imagine contact with the outside world might give a lift to someone in prison which is unimaginable to those whose freedom has never been taken away. The knowledge that someone is thinking of them, hadn’t shunned or forgotten them would I suspect be priceless. My Aunt was a Prison Chaplain many years ago, I remember her saying prisons were full of men who’d made stupid mistakes. But who were all worthy of a second chance. I agree with that sentiment. Many thousands of e prisoners have turned their lives around, found a better ways of living, a more constructive healthy way, I hope your friend will be one of them. Begin by passing on snippets of general news, end by inviting a reply if that is what you want. I’m fairly sure your friend will be thankful for your gesture. Good luck.

JennyWI · 03/10/2022 04:14

Write somthing happy. Its hard to know what to write!

redtshirt50 · 03/10/2022 04:23

I know two people that have been in prison. I didn't like what they did but recognized that they had a very different life/upbringing to me which led them to go slightly astray in life. So I would write and occasionally visit because I knew how much it would mean to them.

Agree just write to them like normal, keep things light and ask them how they're doing.

Give them news from the outside, happy news if you can. Life updates from people they care about, or things they're interested in. Show an interest in anything they tell you they're getting involved in while in there, and show support.

I would send books as well, reading books and puzzle books to help keep their mind occupied.

DO NOT express your feelings about their crime, or make the letter about you in any way. They already know it was wrong.

If you're planning to do that, then don't write. They are being punished for their crimes already and do not need someone else punishing them too.

madasawethen · 03/10/2022 05:13

Prison is extremely boring.
Write and write a lot. It means a lot for them to get a letter.
Talk about everyday things. Sport, news, food, music, weather, etc.

junebirthdaygirl · 03/10/2022 06:22

I remember watching a documentary about a guy who gave art classes in a prison and he said these people are already being punished for their crime so l do not involve myself in that aspect of their lives. I just treat them like anyone turning up to one of my art classes.
So write to him as you would someone who has a long stay in hospital or has gone abroad. The important message is he is not forgotten and keeping him in touch with the outside world will be a big thing for him. If you genuinely feel you can't do that l would say don't write.

properdoughnut · 03/10/2022 07:54

Orangecrate · 03/10/2022 00:07

Also to clarify I meant closure on his arrest/conviction as he kept it secret and I don’t know the facts. I will support them as I do believe they will change themselves around.

Think about how will writing help you achieve this? I know they are in prison but if your intention is to make yourself feel better then it might be best not to write especially if you're going to refer to the crime. If you want to write for their sake then I'd be careful to start with and keep it mundane - don't tell them all the exciting events they've missed until you get a feel of how your letters are recieved.

ElectedOnThursday · 03/10/2022 07:59

I have t been in this situ it you don’t need to reference the crime. If you care about someone that doesn’t necessarily change if they e committed a crime. How about, Hi, I’m thinking of you. I imagine it must be pretty tough and I want you to know that you’re in my/out thoughts and I/we wish you every strength in getting through this. I’m here if you feel like writing. Not really sure what to say or not say but maybe you can tell me that. You have been a good friend for a long time and I really hope that life gets better for you from this point.

ElectedOnThursday · 03/10/2022 08:02

Something like 90% of prisoners are learning disabled and have been failed by most people in their lives. No need for us to sit in judgment. Surely what we all want is for them to rehabilitate and create a meaningful life for themselves?

cooolio · 03/10/2022 08:05

@BeanStew22 I'm not sure which establishment you have experience at but I can assure you they have 2 hot meals a day and there is zero covid isolation where I am.

Photocopying Christmas cards? Nope, correspondence don't do that either. Where on earth are you getting this stuff from?

SurpriseSurprise · 03/10/2022 08:17

I’m sure he will just be happy to hear from you.

I worked with prisoners in a previous job role, and it’s a lonely place to be

yougotthelook · 03/10/2022 08:25

Orangecrate · 03/10/2022 00:07

Also to clarify I meant closure on his arrest/conviction as he kept it secret and I don’t know the facts. I will support them as I do believe they will change themselves around.

I think I'd start the first letter lightly, maybe tell him about something you've been watching on tv, (maybe not Dahmer if you have been watching that!!)
Then you will be able to assess the tone of your next letter from his reply.
Ignore the nasty judgy comments, your friend has been tried and sentenced, of course you should support him x

Hakunamatata91 · 03/10/2022 08:29

I don't personally know anyone in prison, but speak to people in prison reguarly in a voluntary setting and my job also involves dealing with people going to prison.

If you are contacting them to get more details of the crime (I'm not sure what it is you're looking for from them for closure) then I wouldn't bother. As others have said, closure is your issue not theirs. Having to discuss the crime may not help them.

If you're contacting them because you are concerned, then it doesn't matter too much what you say. Prison can be very lonely and boring, and seems pretty terrible for mental health. Any kind of supportive contact is likely to help them, just having another person who cares and some social interaction.

A lot of people here clearly have no idea how minor crimes can be to go to prison. You can (and people do) go to prison for shoplifting if you do it enough. A lot of people go to prison for crimes that are due to very chaotic and unhappy lives, and when you look at the upbringing a lot had you don't need a psychology degree to work out how they got there. Doesn't mean what they have done is right or that it shouldn't be punished, but its a situation many could end up in if they had had a different start to life. Its not about good vs bad people.

maddy68 · 03/10/2022 08:29

I had a close family member in prison. +Definitely deserved to be and no condoning of the crime by me ). But ...

Remember this is such a life changing event for them. And they do need support

Just send a "news" letter. Things that's going on , holidays , what the dogs done , work , price of fuel. Whatever it definitely matters. Also humour matters

Dery · 03/10/2022 09:15

“A lot of people here clearly have no idea how minor crimes can be to go to prison. You can (and people do) go to prison for shoplifting if you do it enough. A lot of people go to prison for crimes that are due to very chaotic and unhappy lives, and when you look at the upbringing a lot had you don't need a psychology degree to work out how they got there. Doesn't mean what they have done is right or that it shouldn't be punished, but its a situation many could end up in if they had had a different start to life. Its not about good vs bad people.”

This with bells on. As for women in prison, I heard that something like 60% of women in prison had experienced domestic abuse.

LuckyLil · 03/10/2022 10:30

Dery · 03/10/2022 09:15

“A lot of people here clearly have no idea how minor crimes can be to go to prison. You can (and people do) go to prison for shoplifting if you do it enough. A lot of people go to prison for crimes that are due to very chaotic and unhappy lives, and when you look at the upbringing a lot had you don't need a psychology degree to work out how they got there. Doesn't mean what they have done is right or that it shouldn't be punished, but its a situation many could end up in if they had had a different start to life. Its not about good vs bad people.”

This with bells on. As for women in prison, I heard that something like 60% of women in prison had experienced domestic abuse.

For all we know this could be why OPs friend is inside. Hence why I said it would depend on what they are inside for before I wrote, especially given what we all think about domestic abuse on MN.

stickynoter · 03/10/2022 11:07

It would depend on the relationship/crime in terms of what I'd write and how light hearted I'd be.

However, you seem to also be expecting details of the crime/conviction in order to get "closure". Not sure you'll get anything of the sort given that all communications will be vetted by prison staff. Not only will he be reluctant to give you details in writing that will be read by prison staff but you'll also need to be careful what you say to him or he might not be happy to respond

Smileeriley · 04/10/2022 00:41

I'm being sentenced in Dec.

Dreading it.

Ellnet · 04/10/2022 00:59

ElectedOnThursday · 03/10/2022 08:02

Something like 90% of prisoners are learning disabled and have been failed by most people in their lives. No need for us to sit in judgment. Surely what we all want is for them to rehabilitate and create a meaningful life for themselves?

Do you have a link for these stats?

cooolio · 04/10/2022 01:23

"Do you have a link for these stats?

They don't. Cause that is absolute bollocks

JustKittenAround · 04/10/2022 02:21

If they are someone you will keep writing and care about I’d try to let them know that you missed them. That you are sure they would have enjoyed/laughed/smiled at any story that you want to share that you think fits.

I would appropriately give them info on who they care about, like “mom says hi, she says her cookies don’t come out as well without you there to eat them” kinda stuff.

not to thick. Just a little here and there especially if they are in for a long run.

id ask them questions about the different programs while in ad if they are interested in them. If there was anything that would bring them some comfort.

id let them know I cared and that I expected them to take part in any and every opportunity they had to add value and purpose for their time spent there. There really isn’t much else you can do right?

If they are in for a longer haul I’d at some point keep them up to date on technology and changes. I wouldn’t give too much self identification type info and zero on any children. Just in case the letters are shared.

MuchTooTired · 04/10/2022 02:46

I just keep it light and don’t discuss the crime(s) committed. From what they’ve said, being in prison is (amongst many other things) boring and lonely so receiving a letter is a massively big deal to them. I feel mine must be boring as hell as I witter on about my day(s) in hopefully entertaining detail, ask questions to respond to anything they say or at least acknowledge it, and discuss news or anything shown on tv as that’s the main source of time passing as far as I can make out.

I include a SAE and writing paper in my letter so they can respond - they get a tiny amount of spends a week so I don’t want them wasting it writing to me when that’s at least one tiny thing I can do for them.

I’m using them/they because I’m too scared to tell anyone in real life that they’re inside in case it reflects badly on my kids and I’m recognised on here by someone I know.

JustKittenAround · 04/10/2022 02:56

@MuchTooTired I haven’t written anyone locked up but you make a good point. Giving them postage and such small nice things would go along way.

I served in the Peace Corps and while totally not the same I know what small letters and such can mean when cut off from the outside world.

just caring to do anything at all should be a lot, if it isn’t then they need to think on their own without the distraction of your effort and time.

Namechangefail123 · 04/10/2022 03:51

My dad is in prison. He's old so I don't know if he'll make it out alive. He deserves to be in there. Not only is he guilty, but he blamed us for his crime. I haven't seen him since he got in.

Elfsumflowerpig · 04/10/2022 06:57

I write about memories I have with her, funny stories. Tell her how my family and job are going. I ask about her job and also any books she has read. She is a Christian so we share scriptures and talk about God.
She also likes it when I send cards - thinking of you, and friendship type of cards.
Letters mean a lot to her and it lets her know that people still love and value her.