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Original poster

When do you know if they are the one?

11 replies

HMum19 · 02/10/2022 14:11

What are peoples opinions on "the one", is this something you know instantly, learn quickly or is it just a myth?
I started dating my boyfriend in January, and been official since June.
He's amazing, I love him so much and am truly happy with him and see a future with him. I would like to think he is the "one", however I get the impression he doesn't know if I am "the one" for him. He has made little comments before implying that he is waiting for see if I am "the one".
I do understand that everyone is different, but nearly a year into dating is it strange that he still isn't sure?
He tells me he loves me, and sees a future with me. But I can't help but dwell on little comments he has said.
I don't want to be with someone who in the back of their head they don't think I am their forever person... and it starts to make me doubt that he is the one for me?
Am I completely overthinking this? Do people need more time to know if someone is the one for them?

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/10/2022 14:18

No such thing as "the one" - more like he's a 0.7 and you round him up. (I wouldn't waste your time with anything below that.)

However if he's not talked about moving in together after a year of dating then I'd suspect he doesn't think this has got long term prospects. (Unless there are issues such as blending families?)

Original poster
HMum19 · 02/10/2022 14:34

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/10/2022 14:18

No such thing as "the one" - more like he's a 0.7 and you round him up. (I wouldn't waste your time with anything below that.)

However if he's not talked about moving in together after a year of dating then I'd suspect he doesn't think this has got long term prospects. (Unless there are issues such as blending families?)

Sorry I'm a bit slow, what do you mean I round him up? Like I think he's better than he is?
It is a tricky one as I have a little one from a previous relationship so have been taking it a bit slow for those reasons. Xx

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 02/10/2022 14:42

This probably won't help you, but DH and I knew right away. He asked me to marry him after a few days.

It sounds DS as though your BF is trying to figure out if he's willing to settle for you.

goldfinchonthelawn · 02/10/2022 14:43

I could never think someone was 'the one' if they didn't seem equally committed to me. One of the key things about meeting the right one is how mutual it is. No mind games, no best behaviour, no trying to please. you are appreciated for who you are and so re they. You both want the same things, have similar values, share some strong interests that you enjoy together. But mainly it's about the feeling of ease in each other's company.

When I met DH I just relaxed. I didn't have to pretend or make the wrong sort of effort. I made efforts, of course, but they were appreciated, and he made an effort in return. But not to impress, just because we enjoyed doing stuff for each other. We got engaged after six months, married within 18 months. Been together in total 28 years.

MMmomDD · 02/10/2022 14:45

There is no such thing as The One…
Over your life time we meet people that we
fall in love with and want to be with. That ‘feeling’ people talk about stems from a combination of hormones/attraction and our idea of what we want in a partner.
Plenty of people meet their Ones, marry them, and from that point on it’s 50/50 if that all works out for the next 10/20/30…etc years.

Its perfectly normal to not know if one wants to commit to the other person after dating for just one year. And you are not ‘taking it slowly’ - if after such a short time you are so sure he is the Perfect Life-long Partner, especially given that you have a child.

There is really no rush, if the relationship os developing naturally and both of your are happy. Putting pressure on him to designate you ‘the One’ - and question your feelings if he isn’t rushing to do so - sounds immature. You aren’t living a Hollywood movie.

CelebrateAndDream · 02/10/2022 15:03

Ok, here's my take on this, as a wedding celebrant, who literally asks my clients this question every day!

In my Couples Questionnaire, or when I am chatting to them on Zoom, one of my questions is always...how/when did you both know that this was 'it'? And obviously the answers vary, but the one overriding factor in almost all of the responses, is that from the very beginning, there was a sense of just being able to be themselves together...other important things are, knowing that they did not have to worry about looking rough if they were under the weather, of getting each other's sense of humour, and knowing, that whatever happened, this was the person they'd ring first to tell...

There are other anecdotes of course, but these things come up every time.

For me personally, if I could sum all of the above up into one sentence, it's this: I know I've found my 'one', when I'm throwing up, and he's the ONLY person I want to hold my hair back, and he does it without me having to ask 💗 He's my 'ride or die' person.

I'm still searching 🤷‍♀️

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/10/2022 15:24

You’ve been official since June, so not long really and there’s a child in the mix. I’d be taking things much more slowly than wondering if I’m his “one” after not even a year.

Im also not sold on the idea of “the one” tonne honest, coming out of a very long marriage where he was the one for me, until he wasn’t. Can you relax and enjoy where things are at the moment, relieve any pressure on both of you and see where it goes?

quietnightmare · 02/10/2022 15:34

Maybe try and think of 'the one' as 'the one person you know you can live with and be happy with until the end'. If you know that living with him and supporting him and visa versa of course until the end and if he was to become unwell you would still be with him then he is the one.

TakeMeToBeach · 02/10/2022 15:48

What was going on between January and June? You say you were not “official”. Did you want to be? Was he dating/sleeping with other people during this time? Did he introduce you to his friends and family?

My experience of the one is that you both know very very quickly and neither of you us open to the idea of dating others, you just wouldn’t want to - and you naturally talk about a future from day 1, it isn’t forced and it just feels like a foregone conclusion that you will have a future together (and this is an equal feeling, both sides equally into it)

zonky · 02/10/2022 15:59

The One is something we tell ourselves (have been conditioned) to believe it exists. I agree with pp who said it's a mixture of hormones/attraction (point in time) but if the relationship crumbles, would you still think he's the one? And since you can't guarantee whether a relationship will work out or not long-term (only retrospectively) is there any point in concerning yourself with that concept?

CuntryPursuits · 02/10/2022 16:04

MMmomDD · 02/10/2022 14:45

There is no such thing as The One…
Over your life time we meet people that we
fall in love with and want to be with. That ‘feeling’ people talk about stems from a combination of hormones/attraction and our idea of what we want in a partner.
Plenty of people meet their Ones, marry them, and from that point on it’s 50/50 if that all works out for the next 10/20/30…etc years.

Its perfectly normal to not know if one wants to commit to the other person after dating for just one year. And you are not ‘taking it slowly’ - if after such a short time you are so sure he is the Perfect Life-long Partner, especially given that you have a child.

There is really no rush, if the relationship os developing naturally and both of your are happy. Putting pressure on him to designate you ‘the One’ - and question your feelings if he isn’t rushing to do so - sounds immature. You aren’t living a Hollywood movie.

This is a brilliant post. Says it perfectly.

Given that you already have a young child, OP, you must have thought that someone else was 'the one" not all that long ago. That, to me, would be as much of a cause for concern if I were your boyfriend as his not-entirely-sure behaviour is for you.

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