Have I done the right thing?

[Ellelloh]

I’m 7 months pregnant and the relationship with my partner has been strained since about 14 weeks. He says I’ve pushed him out and at times I can see why he thinks this as we don’t live together (was always the plan when he got a job locally) but I’ve needed the support of my family while he’s not been around. Here came to my first hosp appointment and then avoided the others. Two days before my 20week scan he said we should terminate as our relationship was fine before the pregnancy. I couldn’t do that as this baby was planned and I could fell him moving so felt that this was not an option. For the last 10 weeks we’ve been at loggerheads, I’ve wanted the relationship to work, he says he does but I’ve to make him a priority. Anyway, he’s just brought a new issue to light, something he’s been sat on for nearly 3 months. My teenage daughter (just 16) had been messaging a guy (18) on social media from oct 21-june 22 basically slagging me, my partner, the family off constantly and saying how much she hates her life. This escalated to the point that she was spending time with my partner, going Xmas shopping, mini golf, messaging etc to build a relationship for us to move on as a family meanwhile messaging this guy telling him she’s gonna end our relationship by having sex with my partner. Something she later claimed to the guy had happened. So it seems all the efforts by her have been manipulation. In addition she has told him she wants to get rid of the baby any way she can. My partner was sent all messages by this guy when he got fed up of my daughters behaviour. My partner has spent week’s cross referencing all txts unbeknown to me. When he finally shed light last week, telling me how low he had been how he wanted to take his life due ti it a one point it broke me. I’ve felt devastated she could do this to us, as I feel it’s wrecked my partner and I’d relationship. I confronted her with family and screen shots, and punished by, removing all phones, iPad, social time, work, season ticket etc so she has nothing. My dad even drops her off and picks up from school. The problems come when my partner feels I haven’t done enough and wants to report her to the police for creating multiple social media accs. He wants to go to social care and report this as he feels she can’t be around the baby and is now saying he’s going to sue her. He said for us to stay together I have to throw her out and as a mother I feel it’s my job to put her on the right path. I just don’t know whether I’ve done the right thing? He says he should have my support, and he does because how she’s treat him isn’t okay but I can’t turn against my daughter when he’s wanting to out her to the authorities and over social media. What do I do?

Why do you even ask ? you stick to your daughter, always.
Your partner it’s the problem not your daughter, she’s a teen , they’re difficult as they are let alone when your mum is pregnant with an idiot .I wouldn’t be with any man that asks me to throw my own child out or getting the social services involved. Are you crazy?

Purely out of interest how would you deal with a 16 year old wanting to sleep with your partner and get rid of your baby just to spite you? Do you think she'll be safe around the baby when it arrives?

She’s 16 , they live through these years to sock you and make your life miserable , she will be like this for at least three more years.
.She’s oblivious not happy with your relationship or the fact that you’ll have a baby.You need to put all your effort in making your relationship with her stronger , you need to speak to her and make feel loved and cared for . She will 100% be safe around your baby but you need to make her feel important and a priority in your life .
I’m shocked at your partner attitude though , what you’re doing about him is the most important question??

What a mess. Your priority has to be your 16 year old, obviously.

You can tell him you can't sue a 16 year old

I honestly don’t know what you do with your 16 year old as I don’t have one and was a trouble free one myself. But whatever it is, I don’t think you can do it with your awful “partner” hanging around. You need to get him out of the picture as far as possible and only then do I really think you have a hope of working on things with your daughter.

Do you see a future with a man who wants to report your daughter to social services and thinks he can sue a 16-year-old? And also he didn’t want your baby one point….

At 16 it must be hard for her having a new sibling. She needs help as she is behaving badly for a reason.

It's all really obvious. Daughter is feeling massively pushed out and that you are creating a brand new perfect family without her and she'll only represent the old 'broken' family in the future. She's trying to get attention/love from you by breaking up your relationship or your new baby.

I think a lot will be resolved if you start showing her lots of love and attention and making it clear that she's your primary family, and that partner is secondary.

If partner doesn't understand that, then he needs to take some time away

Don’t try to make this work. Your partner will be a life-time of pain when you have your child. Your daughter is behaving in an unusual way.Find out why and get rid of the man who wanted to abort your baby.

Your OH sounds like and asshole. Get rid of him and your daughters behaviour may miraculously improve too.

Thank you :) that makes lots of sense. I know I’m doing the right thing because I’d never turn my back on my daughter, she’s just never wanted to have that quality time choosing friends etc. In the two weeks since I took all her electronics off her I’ve seen a huge improvement, we’ve been shopping for baby things and she’s chose what she likes, she’s even cooked tea and started helping me around the house. I know she’s remorseful.

I just wish he’d acknowledge that she’s trying and give her the benefit of the doubt. I’m hoping time will heal so that our son will have a relationship with his daddy whether that’s with or without us being together.

I can absolutely understand why he is angry!!!

those allegations could be life destroying

he does need time probably to process what has happened

obviously you can’t abandon her but goodness you definitely need to get to the bottom of her behaviour

I'm sorry the consequences of those allegations would mean prison for your other half. Presumably that was her aim. So your other child's dad would be in prison. Your DD should definitely be having a chat with the police. And then family therapy.

I think you relationship with your OH will never recover.

Did your DD actually admit all of this?

It all sounds very convenient for a man who has made little secret that he is so demanding of your attention that he wanted you to abort his child, and now wants you to throw out your DD.

You need to get him to leave. Pregnancy is often the catalyst for abuse to start becoming visible - they think they've got you trapped.