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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel so bad but I know it's not my fault

28 replies

Memory1 · 02/10/2022 07:31

I broke up with DS father back nearly 9-10 years ago. I remember being in such a bad place. We still lived together but separated it was hard.

We had this family event and ran into someone who not exactly relative to me by blood but to family of mine. It was nice see him again but he had a family. After this even we kept in touch over social media.

Then we started seeing each other and yes I know it was wrong. I was in vulnerable place and needy. So basically his DW would call me for some reason suspected he was up to no good. I ended up confessing the who thing saying everything. Wasn't a wise move either but maybe deep down I knew I had gone far and needed it to stop. I don't know I wasn't proud of what I had done. Anyway before I told her I knew they were having issues when I spoke to him and he said she left with my baby. He was so cut up think he was only thinking of his DD. I sensed more went on there too.

She just really went mad at me threatened me and my family. Literally was really crazy in the term of blaming me more than him. When it was like that he chased me always had and he got me when I was in a bad place and probably took advantage but it takes two to tango. It got so bad I ended up asking my DS father for help. I had to beg him she threatened our son. Basically this guy I had an affair lied to her and twisted everything. Once I said I need to get away and for him to come. He told her I wanted to take their DD. I didn't mention kids just us. It was very messy.

A lot of fall out with the family and it almost split families up. I was proud at all and hated him for what he did. I had a bad time with his Mrs. It all blow over eventually I moved on etc.

Then it's been a few years maybe more that I had a phonecall from this relative saying he got killed. I had mixed feelings because I always wanted to get my answers from him for lying felt like I was robbed of that chance. I was so mad at him didn't love him but remember those moments we shared. Then his DW started with her disgusting messages to me had to block her on FB again. Saying you said my DH was bad when I reckon she guilty this time another long story he had gone back to his country. I did feel for her but I wasn't my fault. I didn't want him dead. I was devastated myself for his family and DD.

Then a relative told me they ended up taking it their DD something happened with her DM. It again was awful but probably felt a little selfish it was mean I see her on when I saw this relatives. I did visit see her took me back to him but wasn't her fault. They visited me not even long ago either.
I just feel so bad thinking of what happened with him and now he not here.

Then I just been told they no longer have her and it's bad why. I feel awful again takes me back to him. I know he did me wrong and her DM was very nasty. Thought this poor girl now living with strangers. I just know how much her dad did love her despite him being a cheater.

I know I should move on its not my business but feel bad for his DD. She was going getting out of hand apparently.

I know her DM if she had the chance would probably blame me for this too. When she too blame for losing her DD.

I am not hear to happy or anything just feel upset myself for these relatives. I just didn't see that coming and like I said I found it hard seeing her but in no way happy they don't have her no more.

I don't know why I posted here but prepared for the nasty comments. I just feel bad even more but like I said that whole family being destroyed wasn't me. Just makes me think of him again and thinking what he say now. Sometimes when my relative tells me things think they forget we were involved with each other one time.

I am not sitting here happy with a smug look of my face. He deserved that she did because they were vile to me. It's their DD my heart breaks for.

OP posts:
Memory1 · 02/10/2022 07:40

I am not sitting here happy with a smug look of my face. He deserved that she did because they were vile to me. It's their DD my heart breaks for.

I am not thinking he deserved to be killed or she deserved that just feel like wow. This woman basically called me a home wrecker and pretty sure put Married man curse on me. But hey she did teach me a lesson. I suppose but not all men were like him or DW's like her.

OP posts:
hadtochangetothisone · 02/10/2022 08:02

I have tried three times. I just cannot make head or tail of what you have written. Apologies if English is not your first language.

The bits I understand are ;

You had an affair with a married man.
His wife found out.
He has subsequently died ?
This has triggered his wife to abuse you on social media again ?

Not sure where the dc come into it. Did you have a child with him ?

Memory1 · 02/10/2022 08:33

@hadtochangetothisone

I am never good at putting things into words.

He wasn't exactly married at the time but they did tie the knot.

Anyway she doesn't message now thank god.

Just feel bad for her DD now she not even with her family now.

Very complicated to explain but it's brought me back to that situation I got myself in with him.

I am not smug knowing he dead, she lost her DD. I feel sorry for his DD.

What I am saying wish this poor girl don't go down the wrong path. Her dad would be upset even though like I said both were horrible to me.

I just feel bad thinking about him it's brought memories back.

OP posts:
Memory1 · 02/10/2022 08:40

@hadtochangetothisone

No we didn't have children.

The lie he told his Mrs at the time was I wanted to take their DD away. It wasn't what I said it was that I suggested me and him run off away somewhere.

I actually feel bad for his DW she lost him and she now lost her DD.

I just wish someone in his family or her stepped up took their DD. She now in the system. Very sad and I know he be upset if here today.

OP posts:
ThinkingForEveryone · 02/10/2022 08:43

I can't really understand your post OP.
You had an affair with a man with a young child and confessed to his partner?
She left him with the child years ago and now he's dead?
Inbetween, massive shit show with her sending you nasty messages?
But you think you should be absolved as you were in a bad place at the time?
If I'm on the right track, regardless of him pursuing you.....you had choices, you chose to blow up his/her family life, I'm not sure what you expected after your confession.

Memory1 · 02/10/2022 08:44

Sorry I don't expect people to understand just needed to get this off my chest.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 02/10/2022 08:44

Still confused

sunflowersandtomatoes · 02/10/2022 08:46

Where did the DD go?

Memory1 · 02/10/2022 08:51

@ThinkingForEveryone

I was wrong at that time take full responsibility but he destroyed his family by continuing cheated and think something happened. He had to go back to his country. I had long moved on then but what I heard was he got killed. She then messaged me saying about him. He was what he was but did he deserve to be killed no.
Now I just hope she doesn't contact me blaming me for her losing her DD too. All that was her.
I feel sorry for this poor child and now it's taken me back to thinking of me and him.
It's nothing to do with me I moved on but but not smug about all this.

OP posts:
ThinkingForEveryone · 02/10/2022 08:51

It's not that I don't understand the basics, but everything is jumbled.
What has the daughter going into the system got to do with your affair?

Memory1 · 02/10/2022 08:52

@sunflowersandtomatoes

Sadly taken away living with strangers.

OP posts:
Memory1 · 02/10/2022 08:59

@ThinkingForEveryone

My affair nothing to do with DD but felt bad after hearing she gone in the system.

It's definitely made me think of him. Suppose what I am saying there nothing I can do. They was bad but wish I could of made things right now.

I know it's best I move on it's not my problem.

Just rambling don't expect responses. I overthink too much. This just another thing to bring me back to the past.

OP posts:
choolaboola · 02/10/2022 09:05

yes agree with PP - that post makes zero sense

LemonTT · 02/10/2022 09:11

You sound incoherent and jumbled because you are trying to absolve yourself of responsibility for your role in breaking up a family and a child ending up in care. What you “got off your chest” was a list of reasons why you think it wasn’t your fault.

You behaved badly and you need to accept that without the “but he did this or she that”. No wonder people don’t want to know you.

You are more than capable of doing this again because you don’t accept responsibility. Without insight we don’t change or move on.

victoriacrosshairs · 02/10/2022 09:17

I'm sorry op I can't make sense of this.

Memory1 · 02/10/2022 09:47

@LemonTT

I didn't break up a family they were still together after and got married.

They had issues which I forgot to mention is he was a well known cheater. A relative of mine said he take advantage of women. Actually think he said something like that.

I took responsibility for that time I made a bad choice. But won't take full blame as he was too blame too.

I just feel bad for his DD gone through losing her dad and taken from her DM. Which was her DM fault which is sad.

Hearing now she living with strangers now. It just took me back to him again.

Sometimes we move on from a bad choice we made then sometimes something comes up kind of slaps you in the face takes you back to that situation.

I don't know why I posted don't expect you all to understand your not therapists.
Just know I just need to forget it move it. It's the ways life goes not smug like karma dealt with him and his DW for being evil. It's a situation you just like feel sorry for them all.

I might sound a beep saying that after what I did. But feel bad for his DD whom acted up and got taken away. Wouldn't have wanted that to happen. I really hated them both especially him for the lies.

It's really something I shouldn't dwell on. Sorry

OP posts:
Memory1 · 02/10/2022 09:51

@choolaboola

Good but thanks for wasting your time typing something I already knew it's pointless when you could of just skipped the thread loool

OP posts:
youcantry · 02/10/2022 09:52

No idea

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 02/10/2022 10:00

How old is his DD now?

Did you ever meet her?

Memory1 · 02/10/2022 11:06

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

Yes I saw her and thought her DM wouldn't like this. It did make me feel awkward.

OP posts:
ThinkingForEveryone · 02/10/2022 12:08

Sorry OP, you're just not making any sense.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 02/10/2022 12:22

@Memory1

yes it's dad his DD has lost her Dad & her Mum has let her down (or wirse I presume). Being 'in care' isn't great, but it may actually be the best option for her. Let's hope she's placard with a good family.

maybe when she's older you can get in touch as an 'old friend' of her Dads and tell her how much he loved her & any other nice memories of him. Obviously leave out all the drama!

Memory1 · 02/10/2022 12:48

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

I don't think she will ever see me again once she knows what happened with me and him.

I do wish her the best. It's made me think of him today. Playing music he use to like.

Family we share although we not actually related hopefully will help her later on.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/10/2022 12:54

Can I just clarify - did the woman start abusing you when her husband died because her daughter got taken into care at the same time?

LimpBiskit · 02/10/2022 12:59

What??

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